I'm going insane ... maybe. I don't know. I do know that I'm depressed. Tremendously depressed. More depressed than I have been in a long, long time. And if I feel this way while I'm taking the Remeron, I don't even want to imagine how I'd feel if I wasn't on it. Shit is happening. I don't know. Tuesday night. 1:00 AM ... loud, blood-curdling scream outside my window ... somewhere, it came from somewhere between our apartments and Deacon Hall on campus ... that's where it sounded like it came from. I had JUST laid down to sleep, lights out, Shannon, too (David was at work) ... when, two minutes after they turn off the hall light (I stare at the clock when I can't sleep) I hear this ... SHRIEK of bloody fucking MURDER. At first I thought it might be the TV of the apartment under us ... But when the second one came, it echoed down the street - and I just jumped up and ran to the light, turned it on, and into the living room, put on my shoes, my jacket - I hear Shannon in the bedroom, saying "Seth?" And I look at the door, the light turns on, and she says in a really scared voice "What was that?" I said "Sounded like a scream. I'm going out to see what it was. If I'm not back in fifteen minutes, call the police." And I ran out of the apartment and outside. It didn't occur to me at the time to take my keys with me, to lock the door behind me, I just ran across the street, looking everywhere I could - and for some reason, the campus seemed darker than usual. I didn't see anything ... I went back to the apartments, looked behind them in the parking lots, because maybe ... just maybe, you know, the sound bounced off of the buildings and just made it seem like the scream came from out there. I saw these two guys at the apartments next to us, just sitting out in the lot in the bed of this truck. They call over to me, they say things like "what's up? what are you doing?" and I walk over to them - and, I completely forget that I'm wearing one of David's security jackets. And they suddenly look all serious when I get close and ask them if they heard a scream. They said they didn't hear one, and ask me if everything's okay. I told them that some tenants at the Village heard a woman screaming like she was being severely hurt, they said they didn't hear anything, but they'd be happy to look around. And I went back to the apartment to call the police ... call Scott, David, Mark maybe ... I open the door and the second I close it, Shannon latches onto me. "I've been scared shitless! Don't leave me like that again!" she says. All of the lights in the apartment are on and she's fucking shaking. She told me that Brad called, asking us if we'd heard it too (he lives on the third floor of Deacon). I call the police - as much as I hate phones, it just sort of didn't matter at the moment. I talked to them, told them that us and a couple other tenants in our building, plus at least four other people heard it. They said they'd send a unit over to patrol the area. I make Shannon some tea, then go to her room to look out the window, to see if there were any police outside. I saw two cars in Deacon parking lot. Shannon puts on her lippers and coat and we go out, walk across the street to talk to them, tell them what we heard. I did all of the talking, surprisingly; Shannon was fucking white and grasping my hand to the point of PAIN. I ended up telling them about the guys in the apartments next to us, how they didn't hear it, but were looking. And the officer said that if people at Deacon heard it, and we heard it, then the odds are that the guys should have heard it, too. And since they told me that, they may have been behind it. I told them that it was a woman's scream, that there was no woman with those guys, and it would have been extremely difficult to fake a scream like that. I should know; I'm an actor. That was a scream that could only come from someone in sheer terror. They said they'd talk to the security officer on campus, who'd just come back from his rounds, saying that it usually took about an hour for him to do that, and that he hadn't heard anything. Now, I know the guard that was on duty that night, and he's a guy that really really fucking creeps me out. He's old, old as my grandmother - I kid you not - and I think he's a lazy, perverted creep. And I told the officer that I know for a fact that the security guard spends his time at 1 in the morning watching TV in the Winchester Center, so he wouldn't have heard a thing. The officer told me he'd do two more rounds, but said that he thought that it's been so long now, that whatever's happened has been done, and it's over, and they doubted they'd find anything. It was a weird situation. On one hand, I was a little relieved that they didn't find anything, like maybe that meant that nothing happened, that some people were just playing around. But then - I'm more scared that they DIDN'T find anything. That means that whatever happened could happen again. I took Shannon back to the apartment. She called David. We sat up with all the lights on, TV going, door locked ... and didn't get to bed until about 3:00 AM ... on her own accord, since she had to be at work at 8:00. And though it's extremely difficult for me to sleep with the lights on, I bore it just for her, sleeping with our bedroom doors open. I slept on David's side of the bed until he got home around 5:00, then went to my own room. I found out last night that Mark (another police officer, friend of David's) told Shannon that he'd received a phone call about the same time as mine, and what it was ... was a domestic disturbance. He didn't give her any details and ... I guess some things are best left private anyway, but still ... I was somewhat relieved to know that it was eventually found and dealt with. Scared. Very scared. I knew then definitely that something was going terribly wrong with this week. Of course, it all started with news that my lovely gave me, regarding court and ... other things. I won't go in to it right now ... she knows what happened, she knows how I feel. Then I read the Panogram (school newspaper) - and there was an article in there ... that ... yeah. I won't post it here. But it was about how a lesbian friend of mine was treated - but more so it was about diversity and acceptance ... and I was a little peeved at the way she was treated, and inspired to write my own article ... so don't be surprised when I post it here in a couple of weeks. But regardless, Amanda and I are now fairly close. I didn't know who she was before I read that article, and the day after I read it, I went to a S.A.F.E. meeting (Students Allied for Equality), met her and we hit it off very well. It was funny, we talked about a lot of things so freely and openly ... but she said she hated guys. All men, she hated them. I told her I didn't much care for them either. But then, I also told her that I hate people in general. I used to be a friendly person, and give everyone a chance - but now, now I'm just so fucking paranoid that some people have to prove themselves to me before I actually start to like them. We went to the KFA lecture that night, all of the members of S.A.F.E. and some of the Players, some stragglers. KFA is the Kentucky Families Alliance ... for Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transexuals. That went well, made several new acquaintances ... I was somewhat embarrassed by the gay guy who spoke, though ... talked about looking down the guys shorts in gym class and wanted to jump them like his boyfriend and ... yeah, some things you just keep to yourself and not tell a large group of people. It was embarrassing to me, I can only imagine how the members of the KFA felt ... especially Josh, the president of S.A.F.E. and the guy's exboyfriend. Yyyyyyeeeaaahhhh. But after that, Josh, Meredith and I went to Steak 'N' Shake and relaxed for a bit ... then I got in, talked to Shannon for a bit, and the whole scream shit happened. Wednesday, surprisingly, I went to all of my classes. I was looking forward to seeing Elvira Kurt ... but after my last class, I checked my campus e-mail and I had a message from the SAPB that her agent called and cancelled because she was extremely sick. So no comedianne ... one of the few things I had really been looking forward to since the beginning of the semester. Yeah ... big disappointment. And so, I went to work. And I came back, no one was home ... so I sat down, and in hopes to cheer myself up again - I was trying very hard not to cry - I played the SIMS on David's PS2. I created my own Sim, made him live by himself, in a perfect little home. And ... the funny thing was, he got along with almost everyone who came by, made three friends of the family ... and yet, he was still lonely, still depressed, and often broke out into tears when he came home from work. And yet, however strange that may seem, I was not surprised at all. I rather expected it. And I sat there, and thought about it for a while ... And yes, I burst into tears, just like my little Sim did. I'm not getting enough fun. I have plenty of social, but it's not good social, and that puts me in the negative ... and makes me ... sad, pathetic. Today, I didn't go to my 2:30 class ... or my 5:30 class. Right now, I'm on the radio. And I thought, you know, being on the radio tonight would be a good thing ... because I thought I'd have company, like I have had for the past two weeks. But no. I'm sitting here alone. Josh was on instant messenger ... I told him I was lonely, he said he was sorry to hear that and then said he had to go, signed off. Then Meredith was on. I told her I was lonely. She said she'd be over here, but she has a booty call ... and she's been needed to get laid all week. But at least she was sincere about it - she already had previous engagements, you know, but said she was sorry she couldn't be here, and we talked until her booty call got there - because she said we needed to talk. And now, here I sit again ... lonely. No one is online to talk to ... not even my lovely ... and I could really, really use her about now. And it's not like I can leave my job just to go hang out with Shannon or Kelley. So I'm stuck here for another half hour. And I honestly don't know that, after I write this entry, I'll be able to stay any longer. I honestly think ... that I'll have to leave once I finish this ... because I can't take it. And I'm trying ... I'm honestly trying ... not to cry right now ... I try to put it into perspective. I keep telling myself that there are people out there with worse problems than me. I keep telling myself to count my blessings, and that when I look back on this in a month or so, it will seem like nothing ... but yet ... I don't know. I don't know why I'm like this. And ... I'm seriously about to lose it. Seriously. I debated for about an hour on whether or not to make this a private entry. I decided not to. I want to go to sleep. I just want to go to sleep forever. To lie inside myself for hours. My dreams have been seriously fucked up lately, though ... it's not all about me anymore ... bad shit isn't happening to me - it's happening to people I care deeply about ... and it's even more frightening that way. To see them getting murdered, mutilated while still alive, thrown off of high places, sucked away, losing their own family ... It's really bad. Seriously. I think about not sleeping - about loading myself up on Stackers, Metabolife and caffeine pills and just staying up to avoid them ... but no. I can't. I'm so very tired, and I just want to sleep. My body just keeps telling me to sleep. I have these bouts of hunger, and then no hunger. I'm extremely hungry one minute, but when I actually get around to fixing something, I don't want it anymore. I'll want something to drink, and then I'll want to sleep. I'll be gung-ho about getting to work on something for class, but once I open the book and get started, I lose my motivation and just want to sleep. I hope ... that tomorrow will be good to me. It's going to be a long day for me tomorrow. I have several things due tomorrow ... but I have no drive to do them, no motivation ... I mean, I have motivation, it's just not enough to combat the depression I'm feeling. I have a test tomorrow. Am I studying? No. Maybe I'll just remember it all. Maybe I'll study tomorrow before voice lesson instead of practicing. Yeah, I have a recital coming up, and none of my pieces are near perfection. And I pull a shift tomorrow from 2 to 10 PM and ... yeah ... I'm going to fucking DIE. Saturday is a mandatory meeting for all Winn-Dixie associates at 10 in the morning. Hopefully, it won't last long. So I can go back to sleep. Because I have to meet with Sarah around 3-ish to make the narration for our assembly at Sutton Elementary. I honestly hope that next Friday makes up for everything. Halloween, dressing up, Sutton, kids, fun, rest, candy, Rocky Horror, Samhain, friends ... I've been looking forward to this. Meredith has promised me that this night will blow me away and make up for everything ... I told her that if it doesn't, she owes me dinner at the Real Hacienda Mexican restaurant. We shook on it. I hope she's right. I honestly do. I'm ... going to go now. I have lots more to write about, but this entry is long enough as it is ...