I did have some personal stuff that I wrote out, but for some reason, as I was typing out my last paragraph, I lost EVERYTHING ... so, I guess I'll write about the personal stuff another time - I'm just a little too frustrated to retype everything - that, and I've lost the mood. Dream entry. I'll type out the second part to "Dictator" later tonight. First dream: I'm lying on the bottom bunk of this small, maybe 12 x 12 room. I'm cold. There's a couple of windows, but they're high up on the wall I'm facing - the walls are cream-colored, I think. There's a man standing against the wall to my right - he's talking to me, but I don't remember what he's saying. I do remember that he's scratching his arm, though, like he has an itch. I'm not tired in this dream, but everything feels slow. The room feels like it's spinning - I feel sedated. Not tired, but sedated. Does that make sense? And this guy's just ... talking to me. But I can't talk back - I have no voice. But I start thinking about things. And he says "Why don't you do something besides lie there like the pathetic, weak creature you are?" There are thousands of questions swirling in my mind and I try to sit up, and he talks more, but my third eye is just working overtime - it's confused, like I am - I keep seeing the room from all of these different angles, and it hurts my head. "It's all your fault, you know," he says. "Why don't you do something? I know you can do things. Why don't you get us out of here? I've seen you blow shit up, fly, walk through walls. Why don't you do some of that shit now?" And he grabs my arms and rips me off of the bunk and shakes me, "Do something!" he yells at me. I don't want to be touched - sometimes I just don't want to be touched. And my mind is screaming "don't touch me! let me go! don't yell at me!" And he yells into my face, "Talk like a normal person! Use your MOUTH!" And I'm thinking "I can't -" And he just yells "Just fucking TALK!" And I get this overwhelming sense of deja vu. Is that possible? To get deja vu in your dreams? That had never happened to me before. I started to think on it in the dream, just as I always think on deja vu - as to why I'm having it. And then I realize that it's a dream. That I'm dreaming. And the guy, I don't remember what they looked like, but his eyes go wide and he says "you're awake." And I ask him, though I don't say anything, I ask him who I am. He says "Kolibri." And I say "No, my name is Seth." He says "No, it's Kolibri." And I say "I'm Seth." He says "You're scaring me." I start to not feel so sedated anymore - I'm taking control - because I told myself, that the next time I became lucid that I would try to find ... Lindsay. And I look at him and grab his arms, and just think "Don't hate me" and throw him with everything I have - and he goes through the wall, phasing through like I had been the last couple of nights - and my third eye shows him flying into the air, and then landing on the ground in some woods somewhere, out of the way. I think something, but I forget what it was, and I just go to the door. I touch it and it opens for me. Things are still slow, but I run down these corridors ... hallway after hallway, turn after turn, door after door, everything goes as I tell it to. There are people, but they leave me alone, because I want them to leave me alone. And then I come to this large, semi-dark room. It's illuminated by this glowing girl, who's floating there, vertically - she's just ... glowing. And I remember thinking "Is that you?" And then, somehow, I'm up to her level, behind her - like I'd jumped or something, and I latch my arms around her and cling to her. My mind is telling her things like "why do you have to be so difficult? why can't we just work together for once? come back. wake up. please wake up? just stop. stop. wake up. wake up. wake up. wake up." But I say the last one, really speak "wake up." And I wake myself up. Because I'd actually said it, in real life. When I talk in my sleep, I wake myself up. And it usually takes me a while before I'm able to fall back asleep. Second dream: I don't remember this one too well, but I'll try to recount what I remember. I'm in this funeral home. I'm cold. There are rows and rows of people sitting, and there's a bunch of people at the head of the room - a woman is crying, the mother I think. There's a girl, lying where the casket would be - but it's more like a cushioned table - like an altar ... or something. Like you would see in Romeo and Juliet. She looks young, maybe thirteen, fourteen ... and she has reddish-blonde hair ... I don't really know how to describe it. Maybe ... Claudia, from interview with the Vampire. That's the only way I can think of, that's what I was thinking when I woke up, anyway. And there are these men standing around holding these unlit tiki torches - because they aren't supposed to be lit yet for some reason - and I kind of feel like this is a rehearsal funeral. It was weird. But all of these people were grieving for this girl, but for some reason, I felt like she wasn't dead. I felt like she was just sleeping or comatose - like she was just very sick and everyone else thought she was already dead. And I just float up to her, and I touch her face. She feels warm, very warm, dead people are supposed to be cold, you know. I have no voice, but I want to tell these people that she's not dead, that she'd be well again if they would just pay attention to her and give her the support that she needed. And then it's like, I know she's awake - but I don't say anything, I feel like there's danger around. I don't want her to move, because I sense this danger. I look around me and I see the man next to me is holding a tiki torch - but it's lit. You can't really see it, because the flames are blue and very, very low and small, so they wouldn't be noticed - and the torches aren't supposed to be lit yet! And I know this! And I know that he's the problem. So I grab his torch and hit him with it, hit him HARD. He goes down - and all of these people are staring at me, but then they realize what I'm doing and go after the man, because he seems to be the source of the problem. While they're taking care of him, I start to blow on the torch, to put out the fire, but it's so hard. I would think it would be easy, because the flames are small and barely visible, but it's just so hard. I just keep blowing on it. That's the last thing I remember before waking up. It was a ... weird dream. Last dream: I'm hot. I'm lying in a bed - in the same room that I was the night before, on the boat. The windows are covered by curtains, but I can tell that it's daylight out. The bed is somewhat big and there's a desk to my right with a fluorescent lamp on it - someone's sitting at it, working. I just feel so tired, I also feel like I should be sleeping - I just feel ... washed out. For some reason, my right arm is bent, up, my hand is next to my head - I move my fingers and I can feel hair. Actually, it's fur, because when I start moving my fingers, I start hearing this really loud purr - and I know it's my kitten. I know her name - I've named her! Her name is Risa ... because "risa" is Spanish for "laughter" ... and she had made me laugh. I smile. Her purring distracts the person working at the desk - it's Evan. I hear him say "You're awake." I start looking around, and I realize that I'm wearing those white pajamas again. And I start wondering why I'm wearing those - because I don't remember changing. For some reason, this bothers me in the dream. Then Risa moves off the bed - I think she went to eat, she's on the floor somewhere and I can still hear her purring. Evan sits beside me and says "You've been out for three days." And I think "three days? That's impossible! There's no way it could have been three days already. It goes against physics." And I sit up - and I feel something on my wrist. I look - my right hand has been handcuffed to the bed. I'm confused - and hot - and Evan just says something about making sure I stay until I get better. It's uncomfortable - the fact that my hand has to lie like that. And I just look at him and I start thinking again - about something, but then he takes me in his arms and sits at the head of the bed, and has me straddle him, and my legs wrap around him. He feels cool - which feels good to me because I just feel so hot - and the handcuffs don't bother my hand anymore, it's not so uncomfortable. He looks me in the eyes and says "You want to talk, don't you?" And, even though I don't say anything, the first thing that comes to mind is "Is she all right?" And he says "She's all right. She's safe. If she were here, right now, she would tell you that she's fine." I breathe - I have a thousand other things I want to ask him. And still, I don't talk, but the question resounds in my head as I stare into his gold eyes. Me: "Are you the dictator?" Evan: "What?" Me: "The Alexander? From the dreams I had three years ago." Evan: "You're awake, aren't you?" Me: "Just answer the question." Evan: "Yes, I am." I stare at him, I feel like I'm suffocating now, my head is hurting and fuzzy, but he holds me closer - he clasps his hands at the small of my back to hold me in place. I touch his face. I keep thinking, but I never speak. Me: "You were very cruel to me." Him: "Yes, I was." Me: "You hated me." Him: "Yes, I did." Me: "You drugged me. You used me." Him: "Yes, I did." Me: "You didn't trust me." Him: "No, I didn't." Me: "You stabbed me." Him: "Yes." Me: "You raped me." Him: "Yes." Me: "You buried me alive." Him: "Yes, I did." I feel like I'm about to cry. I want to touch his face with my right hand, but it's grounded by the handcuffs. And I finally speak - and, it's like it's barely even a whisper, it's breathless, I say "But you love me." "Yes, I do." It's present tense. That was enough for me - he loves me now. He kisses me, softly, repeatedly, and I feel so ... intoxicated. I can breathe again, though. I start to feel like a cool breeze is blowing on me - and it feels so good, I like it. I feel like it's him. But we just keep kissing, and I ask him, breathless "Why did it take you so long to find me?" And he says "you kept moving around." And I say "You didn't recognize me" and he says "you'd grown so much, hadn't seen you in so long. It was an awkward moment." That was good enough for me, but then I ask "Did I have amnesia?" And he says "Yes, you still do." But then I ask "Who is Sonata?" And he says something like "All of these questions, enough of them. I can answer them another time. You would rather be held now, wouldn't you? Kissed. Touched, loved. You long for it so much, because you only get it here, you don't have it there. Wouldn't you rather I give you what you want now? The touch you long for here, now?" He breathes on my neck - and it feels cool ... it just, feels so good ... and I'm just ... completely and totally intoxicated with him as he kisses my jaw. All it took was a silent "yes" from me, and I'm melting in his arms. He covers my eyes with his hand, making me close them. He whispers to my ear, and I can feel his breath on me again, he says "You're eyes are peridot." I wake up. And damnit, he's right. I would rather be held by him, loved by him and kissed, touched - everything by him, than be asking questions because ... when I'm awake, I don't get any of those things. Damn him for using my desires here, in the waking world, against me in the dreaming world. Damn him, for being everything I want and giving me everything I want. Why can't he be real? Why do I have to love him like I do? Why? ___________________________________________________________________
Take the What Type of Friend are You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com. [Me.] ((Wish I had ten bucks myself, actually ... maybe, you know, you could have ten bucks, you know, if I had twenty ... we could share or something ... wait - I don't even know you. But then, I didn't know that deaf guy selling cards in Chicago, either, and I have him ten bucks for just a small little card ... hey, he sold those cards to support his family - I don't think that just one dollar could have done much. He gave me two.)) _______________________________________________________________________
You're Yuki - the mouse.

Which Fruits Basket Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla ((Right on the nose ... it's rare that I actually find a quiz to describe me so perfectly. I'll just have to look into this "Fruits Basket" thing, I think ... and people wonder why I had the nickname "mouse" when I was in gradeschool ...)) Personal stuff will come another time. "Dictator Part Two" will come later tonight. 14 DAYS UNTIL MIDSUMMER CELEBRATION. Man, how time flies. Blessed be.