The storms ... they're still here ... They've decided to stay until Monday now. I don't know why. I'm tired, so very tired. I just hope that none of these become too strong. The thunder scares me, though. Again, just about half an hour ago, there was a clap of thunder that shook the entire building, and I thought again the the whole place would fall onto its side. It scared me. It scared my cat, Lee (short for Mr. Mistoffelees). He's curled up under the desk at my feet - which is where he usually goes when he's scared, you know, somewhere around my feet. I hope that Nature's not angry with me ... for whatever reason. I don't think I can talk about this now. I'm going to type out my dreams quickly, then go curl up on the couch in my aloneness and try to cheer myself up ... somehow. I did get some comments from my beloved Lindsay - they made me smile. Thank you, Lindsay. I look forward to talking to you tonight. I miss you. Anyway ... dreams. First dream: The first thing I remember is sneaking around this building, like I don't want to get caught - I'm not supposed to be there, but then, it's like, I'm not there anyway. No one can see me. I'm trying to be quick, I really am, to do whatever it is I'm there to do. No one - I mean NO ONE can see me, not even the woman I'm following around ... which is Vonna/Dolly - I know it is. Remember her? The woman who can transform her appearance just by putting on a different make-up or something. She doesn't even notice me. She's leading this girl around - I don't know remember what she looks like, but it's like we're trying to get her out of somewhere. And Vonna/Dolly leads her to this doorway and tells her to stay there until she comes back for her. And I remember leaving, going outside - then, after a little while, I find myself next to this other woman, who doesn't see me or even know I'm there. I feel sick - I'm sore all over, I feel so very weak, and I'm antsy. I don't want to be there, I shouldn't be there - but I know this woman doesn't see me, so I won't get caught. I look back at the door where that girl was, to see if she's still there - because I know she would be safe if I could just get her past this woman, I just have to get her over there somehow. But it's hard to do that when no one sees you. But she's moving away from the door, even though Vonna/Dolly told her not to go anywhere. But then! It's like, she sees me! She's looking right at me. It scares me a little at first, but then I stare back at her, and then raise my hand and motion for her to come to me - then I look at the woman and, somehow, I make her zone out, so she won't notice the girl coming ... Then I feel a sharp pain in my head and the next thing I know, I'm standing in this somewhat dark room. I know I'm still invisible to everything and everyone, but I'm still there. I don't feel scared anymore, but I do still feel like I'm in a lot of pain. And there's the girl, the light-haired girl from before, the one who was illuminated and glowing in a previous dream ... she was there, kneeling on the floor, hugging herself. And I start to move toward her, very quietly and slowly - even though I know that no one can see me. And I lean over a little bit, I want to touch her - so I raise my hand to ... But then she jerks her head to look at me and starts screaming at me, like she's angry with me about something - even though I have no idea what I've done. She's yelling things like "stop!" and "that's not going to work anymore! stop looking like that! I hate you! I'll destroy you." And, for some reason, I feel like my heart is breaking ... and I draw back away from her. I don't know what I did, and it hurts not knowing what it was. I'm hurt by what she says, tremendously hurt by it, and I start to back away from her. But then her eyes grow wide and she says "you're not-" then stops and whispers "I'm sorry." Then I feel someone come into the room, and I turn to look - and ... it looks like me. But the other me doesn't see me ... yet, the other me REALLY makes me mad for some reason - because that's not ME. I feel like it's an imposter. And I'm just giving him this death look. The next thing I remember, is slapping him - and his eyes are shocked, because he can't see me, he doesn't know where that came from - and he changes, shapeshifting ... and it turns out to be -him- instead. And there's dead silence - then it's almost like he sees me. And his eyes start to look really very ... sad for some reason. And he reaches out to touch my cheek, but his hand passes through me, like I'm not even there. Then I feel like someone's punched me in the stomach. I flash again, and it's like I'm waking up, and I'm opening my eyes, and there's Evan over me - and even though I know it was him that punched me, to "snap me out of it," I'm not mad or anything. I just remember thinking about how much I miss his reddish-blond hair. But he's saying something like "I told you not to do that! You're supposed to be resting!" And he cups my face in his hands and says a little softer, "I'm sorry for hitting you, but I didn't know how else to wake you up." And then he says, "You were scaring me. You look so pale." And I realize just how cold I feel, and I'm covered in a cold sweat, too - I can tell I have a fever. He nuzzles me, though, despite all of this. Then he kisses me, right between the eyes and whispers "just rest, okay? Stop scaring me like that." Then I wake up. Second dream: This one set my mood for the day. I'm sitting in this lobby, it looks like. It's lit with a warm light - I call it "library light" - orangish gold - like candle or fire light. I'm cold, though. Things are red and gold. It's night, in fact, it feels like everyone is asleep, the place is completely empty. I feel like the room is moving, I guess I'm still on the boat. I'm sitting in this cushioned, red armchair and I'm wrapped up in this rust-colored blanket. Risa, my kitten, is in my lap and I'm petting her, but I'm not smiling. I've run away to this place, trying to just escape - no, not really -escape- persay, but just to get away from things, to be alone for awhile, or rather, out of wherever it was I'd come from. I'm sore, I mean, I feel really sore, like I'd pulled nearly every muscle in my body; like I was bruised from the inside, too. And I feel sad, depressed actually. Risa can feel it, too. I know she can, because she's trying extra hard to make me smile by playing with my hand. This is going on for a while, but then I feel like someone is coming. I don't panic, though, even though I feel like I'd be scolded for doing what I'm doing - I feel more sad, though, that I have to go back. I can feel this person come around the corner and look in - and he talks - and automatically I know it's the guy from the dream with the black cords, and he speaks softly to me as I feel him come closer "Hey. What are you doing still up?" I don't answer him, I just watch Risa bite at my finger. "Aren't you supposed to be 'resting' or whatever?" I still don't answer him. And he stands next to me - he's incredibly thin. I mean, it's almost painful to look at him. I don't look at him, though. For some reason, I feel like he has blue hair - but I also feel like he only has blue hair because I -want- him to have blue hair - like I -want- him to be someone. Then he goes on to say "Hey, Mouse?" Then pauses, then asks, "do you mind if I call you Mouse?" And I just shake my head "no." Then he says "You know it's okay to talk to me, right? I won't hurt you or anything." I don't say anything. He kneels down beside my chair and says, "It's okay to look at me, too, you know." so I do, finally, and yes, he does have blue hair, almost to his shoulders - but in the light, it looks like that violet blue Crayola crayon - and as much as I loved the color, I hated the crayon - it always seemed waxier than the others, hard to work with, you know? And I'm thinking this in the dream, and he starts laughing - like he can hear my thoughts. He says, "You can touch it if you want to. I doesn't -feel- like a crayon." And I just blink at him and he says "Go on," and leans his head closer to me. It takes a moment, but I finally lift my hand - it hurts a little to move - like I've pulled muscles in all of my arm, but I do take a lock of his hair very carefully, and just start to stroke it. It just feels soft, like hair feels, you know? Like it's really hair ... but I'm treating it with so much care, like it's a living thing. And he just keeps talking to me, very soft, saying something like "You don't touch people very often, do you?" And it's like, at the same time, he was saying "What's wrong? Why are you so depressed?" But then he looks at me and says, "it's okay to touch people now and then. It's okay to talk to them, too." And he raises his hand like he's about to take hold of mine, but I immediately yank mine back and return to petting my kitten. He sits back on his legs and watches me. I can tell he's getting frustrated and is trying to be patient with me. I hear him take a deep breath, then say "she's cute; what's her name?" And I speak, finally, but it's in a whisper - not just because I feel like my voice is almost gone, but also because I'm afraid of being heard. "Risa." He's quiet a moment, then I can tell he's a little relieved that I've finally said something. And then he says "Risa? Why Risa?" And I whisper back, "Spanish for laughter." He says, "So she makes you laugh?" I nod. He says, "She's not even making you smile right now." And just answer him, "Don't feel like it." Then he says, "What's wrong with you, Mouse? You used to be full of smiles, even when they seemed out of place, but now you seem so ... tired." Then I say, "Casey?" I blink, then I look at him and ask "Can I call you Casey?" And he says, "if you want." Then I say. "Am I really a puppet?" He doesn't answer me, just stares at me. I can feel my heart sinking in my chest. I feel like crying, but I don't. But I feel like someone's coming - and it scares me. I hand Risa to Casey and try to say very calmly, though I'm afraid that my fear might have come through a little, "Can you please take her to the kitchen? She's hungry." Then he stands up, holding her - he's about to say my name, but I cut him off by saying "please?" And as he turns to go, Evan comes around the corner. They cast each other these ... looks, like daggers from the eyes kind of looks, then Casey's gone and Evan comes to me. Before I can even look at him, he slaps me -hard- across the face - so hard that it knocks me half over the right arm of my chair. It hurts - I mean, this really STINGS. I cover my head with my arms. He says something like "Why do you keep leaving? Why do you keep disobeying me? You -know- you're supposed to be resting! Not running out at all hours of the night!" He doesn't sound like Evan, he sounds like Sonata instead. And I please with him, I tell him I'm sorry, that I only wanted to be alone for a little white. And he asks me what's wrong with beling alone in my room. And I tell him "I just want to get out." And he's telling me very angrily that I can go out once I'm well again, that i's because of HER that I'm so sick, because I keep doing all of this stuff for HER. He wants me to forget about HER for a few days and just sleep - and the whole while I'm just saying "sorry" over and over, and feeling like I'm crying, even though there's no tears coming. And then I say - "I want Evan back. Please, let me have Evan back." There's silence for a beat, then I hear him drop to his knees in front of me. then I feel like it's raining outside for some reason. I feel Evan's hands on me, very gentle, and he's strokeing my back and arm. I feel relieved and he says, "I'm right here. I'm sorry." Then I wake up ... Yeah ... just ... end. 11 Days until you-know-when ... Blessed be.