It's been a bad day. The gold is gone from my aura. It's now turned into a deep, royal blue ... that's rather murky. *sigh* It was gold for about a year ... not anymore. My balance has been set off and depression has set in to stay. I don't want to talk about this ... Let's talk about pancakes. BJ says that pancakes are light and fluffy. Yes, they are. I like mine with honey ... I'm not much of a syrup-lover. "Oh, that's just like Seth to go against the norms like that. The weirdo. Why can't he fucking conform sometimes?" BJ thinks I'm nuts, and I told him that nuts don't go well with pancakes ... ... berries do, though. ... god, I'm sad. "Are you okay, Seth? You look like you've been crying." "Why is he crying? He's crying because he's miserable, because he's despressed, because he's hurt ... Duh. Do you need a reason? Do you even fucking CARE? I don't think a lot of people do. Some people say they do, then they turn around and slap you in the face. You show one ounce of happiness, and they throw a fit - "This simply CANNOT be! Seth isn't allowed to be happy! I must make him depressed again before the world order falls apart!" Words that come out of my mouth lately are "fuck you" and "I hate you all. I hope you die." Why? Why can't I be allowed to be happy? Why? I guess ... I really WILL be talking about this. *sigh* Thursday and Friday were such wonderful days. I was happy ... for two days ... I went to bed Friday night with a smile on my face, feeling so in love with my lovely ... so in love. But tonight, tonight I shall cry myself to sleep - not because my lovely is not here (and I do miss her, do not get me wrong, please) but because people are evil, sadistic fucks that aren't happy unless I'm suffering. I had a dream last night ... I should have taken it as a sign that this would happen tonight ... I should have ... but I wasn't thinking. You know ... I really do like making new friends - especially friends with someone I really connect with right off the bat. I try to keep those friends the best I can ... but ... apparently, other people don't like me having friends other than the ones they say I can have. I really wish that those people would get out of my life ... and get out of it NOW ... Why do people have to suck so bad? Anyway ... I had a dream last night ... and Thursday night ... Thursday Dream I'm sitting in this room, on the floor. It's a desolate white room. I don't know where the light is coming from, but it's all around me. I'm naked. I'm warm. A moth flies onto my arm. It catches fire as it tries to fly away. Another moth flies toward me ... it catches fire again. Moths start flying to me, they get close to me, they catch on fire and die, they incinerate before me. Every single moth. More and more come. This hurts me. They're all attracted to me, and I welcome them, but they all burn ... every one of them burns ... they catch on fire and turn to ash. I can almost hear them scream as more and more come, more and more catch on fire. I try running away ... there's no walls to this room, no door, it just keeps going on and on forever ... on and on ... I try to keep the moths away, I try shooing them away, they still touch, they still catch on fire. I'm crying. I'm causing suffering and death to innocent moths ... it's all my fault ... All my fault ... I try creating a wind to blow them all away from me, but no matter how strong it is, they keep coming, they keep coming ... ... the keep coming, and burning, dying and screaming their moth screams. I fall to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. There's nothing I can do but cry ... Friday Night's Dream ((Mind you, I went to bed in a mighty good mood thanks to my lovely.)) I was standing in a black and silver, white and grey room ... the furniture leather and silver and ... it was all monochromatic, it seemed ... cold, but ... there was a woman there, a woman who was speaking to me. I guess it took a moment for it to register, but ... I finally turned away from this cloudy window to look at her ... and I smiled. She made me feel happy. I remember ... she wore one of those ... old-timey short-sleeved, white nightgowns. There was a silver ribbon for a trim, a silver ribbon tied beneath her breasts. She had long, beautiful black hair. I felt like I'd been crying - my eyes stung and my head felt stuffy. I could tell it had been a while since I'd cried, but I'd still cried recently. And she was there, talking to me ... and I was feeling very ... very good as she did so. I wasn't talking back to her, but I was enjoying the conversation and her company. She was making me happy. It had been a while since I'd last felt happy in my dreams. Really happy. I was in black, I remember that ... that I was dressed in black. She hugged me, I remember. And I smiled at that - I actually smiled. And I hugged her back. It felt good to have contact with someone - especially someone I was rapidly growing fond of. She seemed to just ... know that all I wanted at that moment was to be held. I really liked this woman. I did. And then this other woman came in, angry - she was wearing a very frightening white and silver dress, with a collar that went out at least three feet in thin, metallic spikes. She looked positively wicked. She was young and beautiful, but she reminded me of the evil faerie from Sleeping Beauty meets the dresser of the chick at the end of Legend. And she was pissed. She was so stark-raving mad. She threw the girl off of me, said that no one was to touch me. No one was to ever make me smile. Reminded me of the curse that I am always doomed to a life of sorrow and loneliness, that I will never know real happiness, that I will never fall in love. But she was in a jealous rage. Told this girl that I was hers and hers alone and never to touch me again. She hurt her - she didn't touch the girl, but she hurt her ... the girl was screaming, on her knees, pulling her hair. I ran to her, I wanted to help her, but the evil Malificent woman grabbed me tightly and pulled me back. Then I was in this other room. It was cold, a bedroom, white ... so cold. Everything was white. The sky beyond the window, however, was grey and cloudy - but all I could see was sky, no ground, no trees, just sky .. only sky ... helpless. The Malificent woman was behind me, holding me by the shoulders as I faced this white bed. It looked cold ... so cold. Everything was so cold. She told me to stay in there, that was not to leave, not to talk to anyone without her permission, because I was hers now. I felt so lonely. Then, I remember seeing that girl again, in the nightgown. I was lying on the bed, alone in that room, and that girl came back, smiling, to spend time with me. I'd felt so alone until she came in. And I sat up as she sat down next to me - and I was smiling again. She was talking again, she held me again. I was happy again ... but I was crying, too ... because I was afraid that the woman would find out and I would be alone again. And Malificent came in again, grabbed the girl and threw her out. The room was locked. Everything was locked. The windows were sealed, and I was alone on the bed. Curled up so tight. It was getting dark in there. The light from the windows was very dim. And then the girl was back again. I didn't respond to her this time ... I tried no to. I hid my face under my arms, tried to pretend she wasn't there. I wanted her to go - I didn't want her to get into trouble again. I was crying ... I'd felt as though I'd been alone in there for days ... I was crying ... so hard. I couldn't breathe. And it was so cold. She rubbed my arms, trying to console me. She said she knew that she would get in trouble for seeing me, that she would be punished - but she didn't care. Said that I could tell her to go away all I wanted to, ignored her all I could, but she wasn't going to go away - because she knew that I needed to be with someone, that I needed a friend. Then she moved me to sit upright, then straddled my legs to look me in the eyes, but I had them covered with my hands ... I remember how painfully stuffy my head got ... and how cold it was. It was still so cold, even as she wrapped her arms around me. But she was right ... I was so lonely, so sad ... so empty ... all I wanted was for her to be there. I hugged her back, burying my face into her shoulder. I knew she'd have to leave soon. She said something about it being dawn. Then Malificent came out of nowhere, throwing the girl off of me. And the girl screamed and writhed about on the floor ... so much pain ... so much pain ... her screams were painful. I grabbed Malificent's arm, begged her to stop, but she threw me onto the bed, and the girl just kept screaming. Next thing I knew, the girl was gone and Malificent was pushing me painfully into the mattress - her grip was painful. She said something like "Never happy. You can never be happy unless I make you happy. Only I can make you happy, no one else. Never happy. EVER." I remember the last three words ... they resound in my head even now ... I wept when I woke up Saturday morning ... wept ... I'm in ... so much pain ... my heart ... tugging ... so much pain. ... oh ... and by the way ... I think I hate Xander. Want to ... know more about me? Read my Aura ... BLUE AURA MIND/BODY Blues are the most caring, nurturing and protective personalities in the color-spectrum. They live out of their hearts and their emotions. Their life purpose is to serve, help and love others. Blues have an inner knowledge and wisdom and they feel and know what is right without needing facts or data for substantiation. The moment they become quiet inside, they will recognize or hear an inner voice or guidance, which will tell them what to do. They can easily tune into other people and feel precisely what is going on. Blues are the most emotional of all the color personalities. They often feel lost if they don't have the opportunity to clear their way through their intense jungle of deep feelings. Helpful activities for Blues would include talking with friends about their inner life, writing a journal or just being quiet so their intense emotions can calm down. Blues are more concerned about others then they are about themselves They are born caretakers and mothers. They remember other people's birthdays, are concerned about the sick and have always a shoulder for others to cry on. They are born advisers, counselors, caretakers and nurses. Many people enjoy being with Blues because they transmit love, acceptance and forgiveness. Blues cry easily and primarily release their emotions, joy, sorrow, sadness and happiness, through tears. The other color personalities often have problems understanding the Blues intense emotionality. However, this emotional depth gives them the ability to be warm, sympathetic and protective. The biggest challenge for any Blue person is to just say, "NO!" They have a basic fear that others might push them back, reject them or no longer love them. The fear of hurting other people's feelings reflects and mirrors their own fears of being hurt. They need to recognize the enormous benefits of Self-Love and also to understand that "no" does not mean the same as, " I don't love you." They need to find their boundaries and borders with other people because they have a tendency of allowing friends and even strangers to come into their energy field without having adequate protection. Sometimes Blues even take on other people's energies and qualities. This can especially happen while they are helping or nurturing others in the capacity of nurses or caretakers. This can occur to the point where they actually take on other people's sicknesses or problems. Blues are precise and clear in their thinking. From a mental standpoint they are usually in a peaceful and calm state of mind. They focus more on their feelings and emotions than on their thoughts. Blues do not like physical activity or work. For theses sensitive beings the physical world often seems loud, brutal and harsh. They prefer to reside in their own emotional world. They enjoy sports they can practice with friends and family. These would include such activities as walking, swimming and simple ball games. SOCIAL LIFE Blues enjoy being around people all the time. They are very social, the perfect caretakers and helpers, always interested in and concerned about other people's needs. These traits allow them to be loving and in service to their family or friends. Blues are found in all areas of society, wherever service and support is needed. The biggest gift for these loving personalities is to help and support their family and friends. They are family oriented people who love being with their partners, children or friends. Planing picnics, creating nice meals, nothing seems too much if it is enjoyed and appreciated. Blues have friends for life. RELATIONSHIPS AND INTIMACY The most important aspect of a Blues life is living in healthy, harmonious relationships. Blues want to be loved and appreciated. They make wonderful mates because they love to take care of and support their loved ones. They will do anything to create a happy and harmonious family life. They often expect their partner to return their love or be as much supportive and caring. They need to understand that other color personality characters might not understand the strong emotional depth they possess and also have different emotional and mental behaviors. Blues want to be married and live in affectionate, solid family units. Love and affection is more important to them than sex and passion. Kissing, cuddling and feeling their partner's affection and emotional love are more important than sexual excitement and stimulation. Sexuality is a deep, emotional and spiritual experience and creates a strong bond between the lovers. Blues are loyal and monogamous. They need to be aware that if they are too emotionally demanding with their partner, they might push them away. In disharmonious relationships they have problems with letting go. The very words, "let go," are key words for all Blues. HEALTH, WELL-BEING AND GROWTH To become centered, Blues must learn the difficult lesson of loving themselves. If they can overcome their biggest fear, which is to not be loved and to be alone, they can express their deep feelings freely and then live a compassionate, happy and fulfilling life. It is important for Blues to set their own boundaries and make clear decisions. They must learn to say, "No," if it feels like "no." Connecting with their personal power and then using it allows them to achieve their goals and give out even more love. Blues need a lot of time for themselves. They like being in a quiet atmosphere, listening to harmonious music or just sitting in a peaceful room. Being alone is relaxing and allows them to go within. Allowing peace and silence to occur are important activities for Blues to find their purpose in life. Meditation and prayer are the most important and powerful tools they can use to achieve inner peace and happiness and to recharge their own life energy batteries. Going to church or a meditation class is an excellent way of meeting like-minded people and getting involved into a spiritual way of life. Blues need to constantly be aware of their sensitive and powerful emotional system. Understanding their Mind/Body relationship will help them to stay healthy and strong. If Blues have a question or want to solve a problem, they need to be quiet, stay centered and go inward. If they ask a question in this peaceful state of mind they will hear and immediately sense the answer inside. The challenge for Blues is not only to hear and trust their inner voice, but also to act on it and live their inner knowledge in the real world. ... so there you have it. Long entry? I've made longer ... ... oh well.