Wow. I haven't updated for a while, I've noticed. It's not that I've been busy or ... anything - wait, that may be a majority of the problem - but it's mainly because ... I haven't really had anything to write about that could be considered an actual update. I feel this tugging on my heart lately - that feeling when you've been hurt by someone you love, the sinking heart, the pulling on the strings ... it gets painful after a while. I don't ... really know what's causing it. But I have noticed that lately, no matter how much I try, or what happens, or what other people do ... it's very hard for me to be happy. When David and Shannon got married the day after Thanksgiving - I didn't really talk about it with anyone. I should have been happy for them, but I wasn't. I cried at the wedding, but not for them - for myself, because I realized how alone I am. People are like "but I love you, and you're surrounded by friends and such wonderful people, you're not alone." I wish my heart could grasp that, I wish it was that simple, but it's not. Yes, I have wonderful friends who find me Wish Bears and Jack Skellington gifts; yes, I have friends that will write me letter after letter and send me card after card; yes, I have friends that will send me a LONG-ass e-mail based on the sole purpose of explaining the efficiency of the Self-Toastable Poptart; yes, I have friends that will take me out to Steak 'N' Shake at 1 o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep because I've been crying so hard; yes, I have friends who will come over to my apartment and sit with me when I'm alone and scared ... So why am I not happy? If I'm surrounded by love and friends - why am I not happy? I told this to an online aquaintance a couple of nights ago ... he told me to stop whining, that I have all of this good shit in my life, I should stop whining - that I'm just acting like that so I'll get attention. People ... just don't understand. They couldn't understand unless they've been there. It's not something you can explain ... it's not something you can just turn off. It's not an act - it's real. And no, I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't been there to understand it in the least. Currently, my stomach is in a bit of pain. Maybe I have an ulcer - and if that is the case, maybe I should stop drinking this cappuccino. I got a pretty mug for Solstice. It's a pretty blue glaze with vertical rims ... it is pretty. Shannon's sister got it for me. Finally, something I could use. Shannon's family is a little ... uhm ... offset that I don't really celebrate Christmas. They learned that I was Wiccan just a couple of weeks ago ... funny, I thought that they would have realized that alrady considering I wear a pentacle around my neck nearly all of the time. I guess the topic of religion never really popped up until then. They'd asked "What about you, Seth? What are you doing for Christmas?" And I just kind of looked at them and said that I celebrated Solstice. Things have been a little off since then - but luckily, they haven't tried to convert me ... yet. They did invite me to Christmas dinner, though, after I told them that just because I wasn't Christian, doesn't mean that I can't celebrate with others - that is the spirit of Christmas, right? Giving and spending time with those you love. I asked David not to exclude me from everything just because I'm not Christian - because I was afraid that Shannon's family might not want me around. I still love Christmas ... I still do. So, Shannon's younger, 16-year-old sister, got me a really pretty coffee mug. I was kind of scared to put anything in it ... too pretty. Shannon herself got me a Good Luck Carebear. *smirks* To be nostalgic, I've already watched the little movie that came with it. Oh ... man, I think I'm going to get addicted again. Cartoons have become CONSIDERABLY shorter since the mid 1980's ... and that's sad. David got me a Chia pet ... because my Bonzai tree died. You don't get much light in that apartment; plants don't last long. So, I dreamed last night. I kept my notebook by my bed, and every time I woke up, I wrote down key words and phrases, things said, quotes - whatever I could remember without elaborating too much to the point where I would stay awake ... I went to bed on a good note this morning ... dreams had me in a not-so-good note. I've come to the conclusion - by my own mind - that Kaori Yuki is Towngirl in my dreams - the woman with the bluish-black hair who's very sisterly. The more I read of her Count Cain series, the more I look deeply into her more recent artwork - the more I realize that Cain looks ... just like me. Some of the poses he does, some of the things he says ... they're very ... me. I used to think it was just a coincidence - but after seeing a majority of her artwork, I believe that she has a tap in the dream world that I share - knowingly - with a few others. Sure, you think that's crazy talk, and I'll let you think that - but I honestly think she's tapped into something. Dream One I was in this room. I didn't really want to go out, but I had to go out. People didn't want me to get out on my own, but I felt like I had to, even though I didn't want to. There were people outside the door of the room, lots of people. The room was very grey, I remember that. I remember thinking that my hands had more color than the actual room. I was wearing a white shirt, too ... a white, button-up blouse ... I usually wear something like that when I'm not well in dreams - white is the color of sickness for me there. When I wear it, it's like a flag to others that I'm ill or injured. That something's wrong. I was cold in that room, and I was pacing, rubbing my hands and blowing on them to keep warm. My hair was a mess, I remember that - I remember worrying about it for some odd reason, worrying about my appearance in general. I don't remember when Cris came into the room - somewhere between "I have to get out of here" and "I don't really want to leave" going through my head for the umpteenth time. Next thing I knew, there was a blanket being draped over my shoulders and I froze in my steps. He hugged me from behind and said something about me having to wear socks ... or shoes ... or something like that or else I'll just get worse. It's like ... he knew what was going on, but wasn't telling me anything. I was just very quiet and still as he held me. I think I made him uneasy because after a minute, he held me even tighter and said something else. I can't remember what. I knew what others were talking about outside that door ... they were talking about unhappiness, depression, "he's deteriorating" "he's not happy" ... "there's nothing anyone can do to make him happy ..." I was just zoning out through this entire dream ... I was there, I just was tuning everything out. The strange thing was that I wasn't really thinking ... about anything, for a long time. And then, finally, I did something. I turned in Cris' arms and I looked at him, gave him that ... infamous small smile I was known for, the smile that covered up my true feelings - the smile that I used to use, so often when I didn't want HIM or anyone else to know my true feelings. I look Cris dead in the eye - a rare occurrence considering I find it very difficult to look others in the eye, even in dreams. "Cris," I said, very softly, "I have to see him. Will you come with me?" I knew what his answer would be and I didn't wait for it, I just broke away from him and started toward the door. I was about to open it when I heard him say, "Shoes. Coat." And that was it. I almost laughed at myself in my dream. Dream Two This one was choppy. I remember wearing red ... like ... a red scarf or dicki or something. I rarely wear color in dreams. But I had my coat on, my boots on, I was walking ... outside, through this gravel path in the forest. I remembered something in the dream ... I had done something - BIG. I remembered saying the words "I release you. Live. Be happy ... please." I remember that verbatim. It was the first thing I wrote down when I woke up. I had something in my hands - and I was wearing gloves. Black leather gloves. I had that smile on my lips still, even though inside I wasn't feeling ... happy at all. I was torn up inside, afraid for whomever I had spoken those words to ... but I also felt a small sense of satisfaction. Cris was behind me. I could hear the jangling of what sounded like keys or a chain ... but it was coming from me, what I had in my hand. I was nearing the base of the the rocky hill when I saw him. I remember staring at him for a long moment ... thinking of so many things to say. He was speaking, but I was angry ... I wasn't listening. I didn't stay angry long ... I can't stay angry long anymore - it became more of a deep, overwhelming sadness. But I kept that smile. I felt like being evil to him ... because he deserved it ... I was going to be ... so fucking evil. And I was. M was there ... and a few others ... his posse, I think. Whereas all I had was Cris ... and he seemed ready to strike at any moment. And here I had stopped, just smiling at him. I told him that I was tired. I told him it was time to stop, that it was over. He didn't like that. He had a look in his eyes, a look like hurt or longing or ... something. But he had that look in his eyes ... I told him to leave her alone. He laughed. It's a defense mechanism of his - to laugh when he's nervous, to play it off like it's nothing, like he's superior. I can read him like a fucking picture book. I've found ... that I can't really stand his laugh anymore. So I lunged at him - at his neck. And what I'd had in my hands was a chain, a collar - And I snapped that around his throat. I was so ... fucking angry. I snapped it to lock. I was still hanging off of his neck - it all happened so fast - when I used my teeth to remove my right glove and bit into the flesh on the back of my hand, and tore into it over my thumb, and rubbed my blood upon the clasp. Then I jumped off. The others were outraged, but I just gave him a hard ... very harsh jerk on the chain that brought him to the ground with a crash. I was ... mad. The others yelled in outrage, and all the while I was holding onto the chain, I lunged at the others, Cris, too. I couldn't see him, I was too busy being pissed off. I had a rapier with me, I was showing no mercy. I slashed into chests ... I cut off one's hands ... I decapitated M ... I gave the chain another tug and looked him right in the eyes ... my own were wide and fierce, and I held the bloody blade to his neck and just whispered: "Suffer." And threw the chain to the ground, stabbing my sword into the earth by his thigh. I woke up when I felt Cris grab me from behind. I told you, Lindsay ... I can be ... a fucking evil bitch ... when I want to be.