I'm listening to this song in hopes that it will put me to sleep. My mother used to play it for me when I was a kid to put me to sleep. It still brings back warm memories, but it also makes me sad because ... I don't have her anymore. Why am I writing an entry so late? I don't know. I'm more tired than I think a lot of people can realize, yet here I am, writing away. I don't know why. I started feeling hot about the time that I was going to sign off and go to bed ... hot. This isn't a good thing. I can't exactly strip, either, because there's a semi-stranger in the house. There's this guy from the Owensboro Police Department just sitting in my living room right now, watching TV on the couch. He's not in uniform, but he does have his badge and he's about David's size. His name is Scott. Why is he here? Well, my brother is very, very over-protective - and with the phone call from Paul last night, he wanted to be sure that I would be safe while he's out doing his security work. This guy was here earlier, before David left, and they were talking about something, I didn't know what at the time, but then they all left - and that was fine. And I snuck out of the apartment while I was alone. Why? Because I was about to fucking SNAP. I think I have cabin fever - I just needed to get the fuck out of here. I needed air. I went to the river ... and I sat there for a good, long while, just watching the water. I stopped by the convenient store on my way home - grabbed some eggs and sandwiches and whatnot. I made myself some deviled eggs and ate a nice sandwich and then got online in hopes of speaking to Lindsay ... and we did talk for a while - but then this guy showed up, this guy I don't know, but he was here earlier so I figured he forgot something. He showed me his badge and told me that David sent him over to keep an eye on me - to make sure I didn't leave by myself and that I didn't receive any unwanted visitors. I hope he didn't know the whole story as to WHY David would possibly want a fucking POLICE OFFICER there to watch over his little brother, but then, he didn't ask any questions. He also said something about not listening to me protest because David already knew that I would tell him to go and that I'd say that I'd be fine on my own. The guy fucking reads me like a book. So, since that's the case, and I know there's no argument when it comes to David or his colleagues, I just tell the guy to make himself at home and that I'd probably be in my room all night since I'm not well and all. Every once in a while, I'd peek out of my room to see what the guy was doing, but I was also, deep down, making sure that he was still there. And once, when I peeked out, he caught me and it was like he was reading my mind. He said something like "Do I make you that uncomfortable or do you think I'd leave after I said that I'm staying until he gets back?" That's a really nice way of asking "Do you have abandonment issues?" I think. And yes, I do - but that's beside the point. Scott's not so bad. I mean, he likes Dream Theater and Pink Floyd - anyone who likes those two bands can't be all that bad, right? He even offered me pizza - though David gave him the money for it - but it was kind of late and I was really tired at the time; I figured it would get there about the time that I went to bed anyway. But he went ahead and ordered one, said I'd have something for breakfast in the morning. So before I went to bed, I started feeling really hot. I thought I'd take a cool shower, you know, cool down a bit ... and I did. I got dressed, came out and I peeked into the living room and he waved at me and says "Pizza's here. Want some?" Since the shower woke me up a bit, I figured that one slice couldn't hurt. Keep in mind, this is fucking 12:15 AM ... if I ate then, it deadened my chances of waking up at 5 AM starving. So we sat down at the kitchen table and we talked for a bit. He asked me if he could smoke, and I told him that I didn't care as long as I got to smoke, too. But David hid my cloves because I'm sick. So Scott let me try his - which were these "really nifty but I don't think I'll try them again" herbal ones that smelled like raisins and came in a really spiffy box. So we had a bonding moment ... well, about 40 minutes of bonding time, you know, just talking. And he's a pretty okay guy, divorced, 8-month-old baby boy, drives a Kia. I told him that if he ever got suckered into watching me again, he should bring his son and we could play cards. I had to be really careful around him, though ... I found it just a little to easy to start talking to him - just like that. I had to watch myself to keep me from spilling out my entire life story to someone I'd only known for four hours. I thought about telling David off tomorrow when I get up - I thought about bitching at him about how I'm 21 years old, I'm an adult now, and I can take care of myself ... But the truth is, I don't think I can. And besides, I kind of like having Scott around. I feel safe. I'm scared to be alone. You know ... all of these people are telling me that I'm being too hard on myself about the whole Paul thing ... ... well what exactly is that supposed to mean, anyway? It means a lot to me that they care and want to help, but it's not something that you can be easy on yourself about. This isn't an easy thing; it never is; it's not supposed to be. I'm not being too hard on myself, I don't think ... and I really don't think that someone who's never been there, been through what I've been through or something related to it, can tell me how I'm supposed to be. How am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to be? Should I even be? I don't know ... my mind is swirling with so many thoughts at the moment that I don't think my sick and exhausted self can process it much longer, much less stay up another three hours to type it out. Besides, Scott just asked me "You aren't asleep yet? I thought you said that you were going to bed in an hour over two hours ago." Yeah ... guess I'll go to sleep. Guess I'll die another day.
You're Freedom!

Which Moulin Rouge Symbol are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla ((Meh. Thanks, maXine, for the quiz idea. And I was doing so well. I hadn't taken one for over 24 hours.) ____________________________________________________________________________
You are StrongBad. You hate everyone, especially
HomeStar. Your e-mails and prank calls are
hilarious. You're my favorite character. You
try to be evil, but sorry, being shirtless with
boxing gloves just isn't scary. Don't worry
what everone else thinks because hey, they are
all "crap for brains".

What HomeStarRunner Character are you? (pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla ((This made me laugh. He's my favorite character and all, but I'm nothing like him.)) _____________________________________________________________________ Blessed be.