Give me Life. Give me Pain. Give my myself again. I'm crying again. I'm dying a little more each day. I miss my lovely. I miss her so much. Tonight was a bad night ... such a bad night. I don't understand. I tried everything throughout the day so I'd have good luck. I spun around outside three times and spit, I'm wearing my lucky pendulum, I even put lotion on my knees and elbows for extra luck - plus, I even made a wish on my necklace when the clasp touched the pendant ... for today to be a good day. None of it worked. I just ended up sobbing, as I often do after days like these. I feel like shit. I was made to feel like shit today. I was fine until a few hours ago. I didn't really want to come online tonight, but I did, because it's expected of me. And I'm talking to one of my girlfriends (friend that is a girl), and then I start talking to this other girl, and my friend gets upset because she thinks I'm leaving her for something new. I try to explain to her that we're just TALKING and that it's nothing like that, but no. She says she thinks I don't care - and that everyone always leaves her. This is the same friend that I give advice to, but she never takes it, and therefore keeps telling me the same problems over and over again. She went offline crying - nothing I could do to stop it, I could only make it worse. I told another friend about my problem - about how I could never make anyone happy, about how people are like "I like you, he's mine, now no one else talk to him!" And can sometimes be spoiled brats ... just ... spoiled brats. Then she invites me to go to this thing to cheer me up, and it's a nice thing, and I ask if I could bring someone along, and her brother says that she'll be really, really, really pissed if I did that. And I just went off. Conversation went like this, and I quote - Me: I CAN'T FUCKING CATER TO EVERYONE'S FUCKING NEEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE'LL JUST HAVE TO BE PISSED THEN! Me: I'm sick of this. Her: And I am fucking sick of you too..maybe if you didnt think you had to bow down to everyone that is a NEW friend you would remember your OLD ones a little better..but you have your head so far up their asses it's hard to tell where they stop and wehr you start shitting out of them. Me: Oh grow up. Her: I thikn the problem is you try too be too much of an adult whne you really can't cope with it..I would rather be chilidh and outlandish then a stuck up little snob like you.. End quote. Can't help thinking that maybe she's right. I should just ... stop trying to make other people happy. I should just stop trying to be happy myself. Maybe then I'll be happy. I guess my own happiness just depends too much on the happiness of others. Maybe that's why I'm so confused as to who I am - because I don't know who I am, because I don't know what makes me happy. Because I'm a fucking marionette. I'm some kind of vampire marionette that needs not only someone to control me, but someone else to be happy in order for me to be happy, feeding off of their joy just so I can have joy. I'm so tired of this. I'm just so sick of this. I miss my lovely. If she were here, I could feel better. If she were here, I would have someone to talk to, someone who understood - not someone who would say "you can tell me anything; if there's anything I can do, just let me know" and then you tell them and they stab you right in the heart. It's like saying - here, this will make me happy, now kill it. My lovely wasn't like that. She listened to me. She made me feel good. I'd smile every time I got an e-mail from her, even if it was a bad e-mail, I'd still smile. She just made me that way. I loved her, she was my lovely. And she was taken from me. Yes, she's still gone. Been six days and still no word. It just ... really hits me, every now and then, how much I miss her. Some days, I think I'm doing fine ... and then, all of the sudden, something happens ... and I'm not fine. My world comes crashing down, and suddenly, there's no one there who will really listen to me. I can understand now, why she doesn't open herself up to anyone anymore. You get hurt when you do that. You think you've found someone you could trust, and they just stomp you into the ground, make you feel like shit. And I feel like shit right now. And the thing that made me happy - my happiness - has been taken from me. Eventually ... I'm sure life will have meaning again. Eventually ... it's like a moment in time, it's immeasurable. How long is a moment ... how long until eventually comes? And when is Someday? Wish I knew.