I don't understand. My fingernails are cut short - very short - practically down to the wick. So how is it that I keep scratching myself? I mean, I scratch myself - I draw BLOOD ... how is this possible? I'd put tape on my fingers but that just feels really weird. I'm not feeling well. I'm pukey sick. Dehydrated. Headaches. Yeah ... and I'm tired, really really tired. Yes. So sorry if everything seems choppy and doesn't flow as well as it usually does. I'm also extremely tired ... And though I have to leave for class in two hours ... I'm going to go back to bed - and hopefully I'll wake up in time to get a shower and go to class. I woke up ... shaking. I can't stop shaking. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich ... two of them, in fact ... but I just can't stop shaking. I took my blood sugar medicine last night - I'd forgotten to the night before. I'm not diabetic ... it's used for something else, but it still does regulate my blood sugar ... But I'm still shaking. And I can't stop shaking. I'm cold, too. And a headache is forming - tension headache, I think. I should go back to sleep ... And I will ... Once I type out my dreams. I've been having a little difficulty remembering my dreams lately. I'll remember one with crystal clarity one night, and then the next night remember random images that don't fit together at all. Strange thing was that ... in one of my dreams last night ... I was also cold and shaking. Enough about this ... Type out dreams so I can get a shower and go back to sleep. First dream: I'm lying in a bed - wearing white pajamas. But everything seems lacking in color, like someone had been messing with the dial on the television on my eyes or something ... everything is in a greyish-blue tint ... I'm in a bedroom - and the bedroom is dark, but there's sunlight coming from the windows to the right of me. But still, everything has so little color that it mostly just comes off as grey. I just lay there. I just want to go back to sleep. More than anything I want to go back to sleep - I'm so tired in this dream. I'm shaking. I'm cold, but it's not a cold shaking. I roll over onto my right side, and then onto my stomach and just start to cover myself with the blankets - head, too - but then this voice ... -his- voice ... comes out and says very softly "There you are." Like I'd been ... gone ... or something. I know that another dream had happened before I woke up in that bed, but I don't remember it. I feel -him- sit next to me on the bed and fix my blankets, tucking them around my neck. He says "You're shaking" and leans down to wrap his arms around me, rests his head against mine. -He- tells me to stop shaking. -He- tells me that I should go back to sleep. I want to, so badly ... I want to go back to sleep - and -he- starts stroking my hair. I feel ... so safe, like I can rest. Like I'm allowed to rest. As long as -he- is there, I'll be okay. I close my eyes. I sigh. He kisses my cheek and just holds me. I know he knows why I am there. He knows how alone and empty I feel. I think he's happy that I'm back with him. Overjoyed, in fact. That's all I know of that dream. That's all I can remember. Last dream: I'm outside, on this beach ... sort of. More like a high, WIDE cliff over the ocean ... or sea ... or something. My back is to this huge mansion on the waterfront ... -his- mansion. I'm facing the water ... the water is a dark grey blue ... like oceans are, you know? I'm barefoot. The grass at my feet is green - but a grey-ish green. Color is starting to come back to me ... slowly, but surely, color is starting to come back. There's clouds in the sky, sun and forest to my right. There's a little color there, too. I can smell the salt-water air. Smells good. Smells nice. I'm still shaking, though. I'm wearing black clothing ... I want to let the air soak in to me - I just want to take everything in, to rest and relax and ... just rest. I mean, haven't you ever come to a moment in nature and time and just wanted to save it? Relish it? Love it? Absorb it? Just ... enjoy it? Without any obligations or cares? Without any stresses? Just ... enjoy that moment? That's what I wanted to do. I close my eyes. I breathe deep. My third eye allows me to look around me. I can see myself. I look sick. I shouldn't be out there ... but I have something to do. There's something out there, in the world, that needs to be stopped. Something bad. And I'm trying to unite my group with another group, even though in the past we've constantly been at war with one another. But we need to work together this time, to stop the bad something. But I'm worried about this. Who is to say that once we defeat this thing, that we don't just go back to fighting with each other. I don't want to worry about it. That's why I'm out there, taking in everything. I want to just enjoy a moment's peace before I have to do all of this. And I am enjoying it - I'm just taking it all in; I even smile for a little bit. I start to raise my arms to my sides - and they're just parallel to the ground. I feel like I can fly ... I feel like I can do anything at that moment ... anything I want. And I want to ... I want to bring people to me. I start to become aware of all of these portals near people I want to come ... so many portals. I have to open them all, I have to bring these people to me ... we have to work together. There's so many of them. I focus on them all, though ... somehow, I focus on them all. Some are in bedrooms, some are in fields, some are located in the middle of battles, others in ruined cities. I can feel the wind rushing around me ... I can still smell the air. I just whisper. "Gate open." And suddenly, all of these people are appearing to my right on the cliff ... walking through these portals, these gates ... some look confused, bewildered, like they just woke up - others look like they're ready to fight. All of these people ... coming from the woods to my right. I whisper. "Gate close." And the gates close ... and I don't know how I stay on my feet - I feel like I can fall over at any moment, I just don't have any strength left - but somehow I'm balanced. But I feel like if one of those people came up to me and touched me, that I would fall over. My legs are weak ... I just want to sleep again. I feel arms around me. -His- arms, from behind me. He holds me. My arms just fall down and I just collapse. So tired, so so tired. -He- holds me onto my feet. There are some men there, that are directing the people who have just arrived, and that's a hard job, because everyone there wants to see me, to touch me - and they have to tell the people not to come near me. -He- lifts me into his arms. I feel so small. So very very small. Like a child. I just want to go back to sleep. That's all I want to do. But I can still smell the salty air. Smells cleansing. But these two people come away from the crowd - somehow they make it past the men directing them everywhere, they come to -him- and I. I don't remember what they looked like. I just remember being so tired, and wanting everyone to leave me alone. I knew it was a man and a woman, though. That's all I knew ... that, and the guy didn't like me much. Or rather, he did - he just didn't want to. They were pretty much just coming to talk to -him- ... so I just zoned them out. Kept my eyes closed, wanting so badly to go to sleep. After a while, I feel one of them touch my arm. But I just don't respond. I just want to go to sleep. That's all, really. I would have been more than happy to talk to those people once I'd gotten my sleep. -He- pulls me closer ... says something to them. Says a lot of somethings to them. I start to get lost in the sound of his voice. I don't remember what he was saying, it wasn't his words that were doing it, it was just the sound of his voice. And finally I fall asleep. And that I fell asleep in my dream, it made me wake up in real life. Nothing really interesting, really ... not really ... I guess ... I don't know. I feel like shit ... I'm going back to bed. Later. Blessed be. (Edit:) P.S. The word of the week is fucktard. Use it well.