dependent
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla _____________________________________________________________________ Yeah ... what do you think? I think so. I'm a very dependent person. Moreso than I think others realize that I am. Should I get into this now? I'm a very submissive little fuck - and you can tell by just looking at me. You can tell that I'm a quiet, complex person who takes delight in simple things - but whose mind NEEDS complicated things to work or it will go mad, madder than the March Hare. You can tell that I'm a quiet, complex person who needs to be taken care of, someone who needs someone else there to constantly look after him. I need someone to dominate over me. I am the M in S&M. Tied up, on a leash, and obeying every order my master gives me. I am the submissive, obedient dog to most anyone and everyone. If you said "jump," I wouldn't even say "how high?" I'd just do it without asking any questions. I'm passive. I'm dependent. I'm a fucking marionette and I NEED someone there to pull my strings, telling me what to do, sometimes even give me a voice - because sometimes I'm too afraid to speak for myself. I need someone there to knock some sense into me every now and then. Should this be the entry where I talk about my brother? No, I don't think I'm ready to talk about him just yet in that respect ... but I could talk about ... Paul. Yes, Paul. I can't talk about him. Lindsay, Melissa - the two of you have heard enough about him, but I guess this entry is just my venting ... on the whole Paul issue. So Lindsay, remember that phone call I got tonight? The one that I said that the person really had no business calling me, much less so close to one o'clock in the morning? Yeah, that was Paul. Don't worry - not only did he wake David up, but he also got an ear-full from the big oaf. David has his moments. *smiles* Paul. Paul was a very good friend back in high school. Classic outcast/anti-social guy; people might classify him as goth or punk or whatever. I just called him Paul. He was a very lonely a tortured orphan. We had a lot in common, but then we also had a lot of not-so-similar interests. For instance, he loved Pantera; I said I couldn't stand them. I loved Bjork; he said she sounded like a dying cat. We went through high school together - I mean, he introduced me to the whole local band thing, which later aided me in wanting to become a DJ. He graduated a year before me. He came to my graduation - and I saw him at the BBQ Festival back in 2000, but that was that last I saw of him until ... I go to the mall this one day about a month and a half ago - one day out of all days - and I rarely go to the mall unless there's a CD I want that I can't get anywhere else - because I don't like to be stared at by the teeny-bopper girls that are always there - or the tough "goth/punk" people ... but I'll talk about that another time. And I'm looking for System of a Down, I think, and suddenly I hear someone say my name - I look, and there's Paul. And I'm like "Whoa, Paul." So I invite him to come see the play and all. And things are going well, because he's in town and we're just hanging out on occasion, catching up. He's still a very lonely guy. He has no one. He's depressed - he's tried to commit suicide a few times ... and I remember him trying at least once back in school. So I'm home alone one day and online, getting ready to go to the play - I don't really have to be there, but I'd like to be, because I'm a supporter in so many ways. I'm about to say goodbye to everyone and sign off when there's a knock on my door - and it's Paul, and he's there. He looks shaken up, so of course I invite him in and I end up not going to the play to spend time with him and calm him down. I give him tea and we talk for a while. He's been in love with me for a long time. Since high school, he said, that he loved me. I loved him, too, but not in the way that he did. He started telling me all of these things about how I'm all he has, about how he loves me. Then said some things about how he would love to know what it feels like to be me, to be inside of me. Said he wanted to be closer to me. Basically it call came down to him saying that if I didn't have sex with him, he'd kill himself. And, after knowing what happened to your stalker last summer, Melissa, I wasn't going to take any chances. It's hard to tell, sometimes, if people are just manipulating you to get what they want, or if they really do mean it when they say that they're going to do something if you don't comply. I was a virgin then. I'd never had sex before. I didn't know what to do. He completely dominated me, controlled me. And I did everything he wanted - because I was afraid that if I didn't, he would kill himself. This happened three times. He would come over while I was alone, and we would fuck ... and it would just be me, scared of losing him. And he knew that he had me wrapped around his little finger. And finally, through much support ... and meaningful nagging from Lindsay - because she was the only one I'd told about it at the time - I told my brother. Who, the next day that Paul came over, proceded to kick the shit out of him. But I think that I need to have someone dominate over me. I think I need to be controlled ... I think I'm actually afraid of what I would be like if I didn't have someone in my life to control me or take care of me. I would be completely helpless if I was ever on my own ...
Nihilism: God is a number you cannot count to.