I'm stopping ... and I'm thinking ... Hard to go on. I took off from work today ... it's been a rough few weeks ... and ... I haven't spoken to Lindsay ... in what feels like ages. Hard to find motivation ... right now ... to do anything, really. But I'm pressing on, I'm catching up with school work. I'm still a little worried, however, about my observation hours - it's so hard to find time to take off from work to actually do that ... I'm thankful that next week is Thanksgiving. Yes, the pun is intended ... I at least ... get Thursday off. Completely ... But I have to work Friday ... all day ... and ... that's okay ... I guess. At least ... all of Thursday and Wednesday afternoon ... are ... to me. ... sigh ... My dreams have been ... odd, lately. They seem to be pertaining more to myself ... just ... signifying more of the bond that my dream self and I seem to share ... Like … this morning, I had a dream that Larc-me was sitting in a large meeting room, on one of the higher floors of a very tall city buildings – and one wall was just completely windows. There was a woman there, talking to one of “my people” about what a beautiful day it was going to be (I didn’t realize it until later, but that “person” was actually –Him- … my master) – it was early morning, still, but the sun had risen. I remember sitting in front of that wall of window, and just staring down at the people and buildings and cars below. I felt like I was in a cage. Always in the cage … The woman was talking about how it was supposed to be beautiful and sunny all week … And I was just sitting there, staring out the window, feeling so empty … so lonely … And the guy she was talking to, just glanced my way as the woman was talking to him about the weather – an overcast of clouds was rolling in … and it was all me. And he said, “That is about to change.” I remember standing, touching the window – I could feel the temperature changing outside, could feel it getting colder, could feel the wind. It wasn’t a storm that I was calling, just … clouds and a little rain … I guess I’d been getting annoyed with the unseasonably warm weather and … the sunshine. Always the sunshine. Why was the sun so bright during the cooler months? I closed my eyes then, so I couldn’t see the reflection of the man approaching me. The woman seemed to get flustered and left while he placed his hands on my shoulders. I pressed my forehead and palms against the glass and just slowly sank to my knees. So many things were going through my head. “Where is she? I want to go home. Will it ever stop? What is going on? I’m cold. Someone, please hold me …” A drizzle had started then. My fingers curled against the glass until I made loose fists with my hands. It was at that moment, when I felt his arms wrap around my ribs. I felt so limp then, almost lifeless – most definitely losing my will to carry on. He lifted me to him, and carried me to this large chair at the head of the table, where he sat with me in his lap. I kept the back of my shoulder against him, I know that … I can remember that very clearly – perhaps because I didn’t want him to see the sadness in my eyes, should they open. His hands moved to mine, cupping over the backs of mine where his fingers laced my fingers and his lips kissed the hollow of my neck. I knew … that I shouldn’t have let him. I shouldn’t have let him go as far as he did, but … I just felt … so lonely. And helpless … I think I would have latched on to anyone who gave me the slightest bit of affection and attention. Perhaps that was what made me turn my head and return his kisses. I could see all of this … through my third eye … could … watch myself from so many angles at once. It was like I was in the audience, but I could feel … everything … that was happening, too … I turned in his arms; I straddled his legs … I grasped his shoulders and just kept kissing him … and kissing him … it was like I’d been possessed … like something or someone else was controlling me – yet, it was still me. I think –he- sensed something wasn’t right, and he grabbed my upper arms and pushed me back just enough that I couldn’t kiss him any longer … I got this sinking feeling, a horrible, agonizingly sorrowful sinking feeling and I just hung my head and started to cry. When eve –he- pushes me away … what do I do then? Who do I go to? I felt like I should collapse then, just crumble and crumple – but he held me up, still holding my upper arms. I kept whispering over and over that I was sorry. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Like … I knew that I’d done something wrong … but … the whisper didn’t come out … it was all in my head … I could hear myself saying it, over and over, but the sound never left my lips … so … -he- never heard it … But I could tell what he was thinking … he was thinking about how he should leave, that the moment had proven a bit awkward – though it did make him happy to have me be so adamant in my affections toward him – but he also knew that if he left, it would only worsen my situation … he knew that … I would recede into myself, become reclusive, and possibly never recover … So he wrapped his arms around me again and just pulled me to him, and held me, with my head on his shoulder … and I just … cried. I couldn’t stop … He kept rubbing my back and telling me that I would be all right … that he was there now and would always be there … for me … When I woke up … it had rained … It was odd … because the forecasts hadn’t called for any … I mean, it was supposed to be sunny until Friday … I just checked the weather last night, before I went to bed … … that was … odd. Yeah … I have to finish getting ready for class now … Somehow lacking the motivation to do so, but … I can force myself to do it. Three hours of P.E. … if it wasn’t for the 25 extra points for perfect attendance, I would skip. I miss her …