I guess I kind of decided it was time to put the curtains over the windows ... it was getting too bright in here, I think. So, yes, I changed the colors, did a little coordination ... made it darker. Feels better this way. If you haven't discovered by now, I really like black, white, grey and red. My favorite color is silver, though - but these colors are pretty much all I wear (aside from blue jeans and my green fleece jacket that just swallows me whole because it's sooooooooooo big). Yes, I'm wearing that jacket right now ... because I'm cold. I've discovered that I really don't like light very much lately. Well, I do, but not a lot of it. I can't stand to look outside of my window today ... too much sunlight. I yearn for clouds - to cool things down, so that I can go out and sit safely in my swinging chair and watch Nathaniel fly around or ... just ... perch like he normally does. He's such a beautiful hawk. An acquaintance of mine told me a while back that I was too touchy. I'd told her that I'd watched Jessica Lynch's arrival at Rammstein airport in Germany, and it made me a bit misty. And yes, I admit, the media kind of blew the whole thing out of proportion (and I feel sorry for that girl now that she's home, because she's not going to get any privacy). But this girl outright said to me, and I quote "That's just sad, man. That's just wrong. You're too touchy." I was just happy that Lynch was home and safe ... had it been any other POW coming home, I would have reacted the same way. Maybe I am too touchy. Because sometimes, when I watch Nathaniel fly, it brings a tear to my eye. Maybe I am too emotional, or maybe I'm just emotional enough, because I don't think guys express their feelings enough. I'm sure that if they did, they'd feel better about themselves and not be so depressed. And yes, guys do have a higher suicide rate than girls. It's a textbook fact. Not to say that they attempt it more, it's just that they succeed more than girls. Girls are more open about their depression and feelings than guys are - so it's a little more difficult to tell when a guy is hurting inside. How did I get on this subject? Nevermind. On a lighter note - I'm feeling much better today. I think I'm on my way to a good recovery ... I think. I'm wearing my glasses today - yay! But no dreams to report - seeing as I can't really remember them. I had trouble falling asleep last night - so many thoughts running through my head. Lately, more and more people have been talking to me - flocking to me ... and it's starting to worry me, because some of these people I've never met actually, just talk to online, and they've grown so very, very attached to me. I haven't been feeling well lately, and I'm sure by now everyone who reads my journal is aware of that ... that for the past three days, I've just felt like complete and utter shit. But these people have been messaging me ... telling me their problems - and I wouldn't really mind it so much if it wasn't the same middle-school drama night after night - the same problems each time they talk to me. I wouldn't mind it so much if they actually tried to do something to better their situations instead of complaining about it over and over and feeding off of sympathy and attention. These people also get pissy when I don't devote every minute to them - they think I don't care if I don't answer their messages right away. I try to help, I really do. I want to help, I love to help ... but sometimes I just get tired of listening to the same person with the same problem over and over and over again ... especially when they don't try to fix anything. These people get pissed off if I don't answer them right away; they think I don't care - and they say things like "I feel like cutting" or "I just took five pills" or "I'm going to go off and cry now" ... and a lot of times, I don't know if they are just doing it for attention, or if they really mean it. And this really, really stresses me out. I don't think they realize this. I also don't think they fucking realize that I was SICK and couldn't really deal with it at the moment. I'd tell them I was sick, I'd tell them that I was sorry, but had to run away to the toilet to puke up my intestines for a few minutes and I'd get, in return "I can't find my razor blade." And people wonder why I'm in such a depressed, tired mood all of the time. Now you know. I think this is my problem, though. I'm afraid when people get so attached to me without really knowing the real me. I think that the reason I'm so afraid of intimacy is because I'm agraid that if the person gets to know the real me, all of me, then I won't be the person they thought I was - because they've put me up on some sort of pedestal, and expect me to be something and someone I'm not. That scares me. Maybe that's why I try to keep people at a distance ... and never really let anyone in ... except for those few, those rare few that I hold dear. It's not to say that I don't still feel and care about those people that I don't let in - it's just that I don't let them in ... because I'm afraid. I was talking with Tara last night ... ... this morning? Late? Early? I don't know ... it was dark outside. We talked about stars. Stars are my favorite thing in Nature ... the universe ... everything. I love stars. They are so beautiful. And there are so many of them. Yet when the sun comes up, it's so bright, it's supposed "radiance" just washes them all away ... But it's fascinating, how the stars are so far away, yet so ... beautiful from a distance. A nebula is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. And if, when a star dies, and it sinks, and it really does create a blackhole ... Blackholes scare me. I realized that last night, as I was lying in bed, trying to sleep ... I realized how afraid I am of being sucked into a black hole ... I am actually afraid of what might happen. I think ... that I'm done with this entry ... I'll write more another time. And yes, I am feeling better. And I've discovered that I really do like Awry ... you should check it out. Awry Blessed be. _______________________________________________________________
Mysterious and a scholar, you are a member of the Tremere clan. You are pretty loyal to your clan, well, you sort of have to...especially since you are blood-bonded to most of them. You are the intelligentsia of the Camarilla and are fascinated with the occult. Possessing the ability to use blood for magic, many clans don't like to approach you. However, that is fine with you. You tend not to trust the other clans anyway.

What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

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YOU ARE ... MYSTERIOUS HERO! (Squall Leonhart from
FFVIII [ff8])

What Kind of Anime Character Are You?
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Angel of Protection.

What kind of Angel are you?
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