Mood: ill Music: "Man that You Fear" - Marilyn Manson This will be a dream entry, but first ... I feel so sick right now. Sick like - I don't know. Knot in the pit of my stomach to the point of nausea, physically drained to the point of exhaustion, headache, and I've come to the point that just before I fall asleep, I keep waking myself up with some kind of breathing problem, a cough, or I'll whimper, or something. I don't know what it is. Lately, when I've been lying down to go to bed, and sometimes when I stand really straight, I'll feel this catch in my chest, an air pocket, something over my heart - and I can feel my heart beating, not really fast, but hard. And every time I inhale, I want to cough - not from my throat, but from my chest. It's horrible, it's annoying, and it's keeping me awake. And now, now I get it when I'm awake, too. And in inopportune places - like the shower, in the kitchen - but I have yet to get it while driving. Which is good. Because I love to drive. I love to drive so very very much; it makes me feel free. Closest thing to flying, I suppose. But right now, I feel very, very tired and very, very bad. Before any of you say anything: I do have an appointment to see the doctor on the 29th. So it's already taken care of. If it gets worse, I'll just walk in. Okay? ______________________________________________________________ Dreams. I had several, since I kept waking up, I can remember a few of them vividly. The first was a normal dream - and by normal, I mean nothing out of the ordinary. I guess that me talking about high school and band and whatnot yesterday, made me dream of it last night. The first dream was very simple, it was just some band members and I - and Ashley's there, too - in a hotel by the beach; it's late afternoon, I can tell, but it's cloudy outside and there's nothing to be afraid of. Anyway, I think we're in the Bahamas - I don't know why. I've been there once, though. I'm NOT a beach person; I had more fun exploring, and going on tours of old forts and whatnot. I loved Fort Charlotte. Oh and hey - did you know that if you commit a crime in the Bahamas, any crime at all, and are convicted, you lose all traveling rights - meaning that you're stuck in the Bahamas forever? It's truuuuuuuuuuue. I would hate to live there. They had some lovely churches, though. Beautiful - and one of the most intriguing cemeteries that I've ever seen. Some of it was beautiful, and some looked unkempt, I just wanted to get down in the grass - wearing my black tux (because I was there on tour with the choir), and just clean everything off of this one grave - which turned out to be that of the first minister to that very, very, very old church. And one of the above-yet-underground monuments had the stone on the top broken, and people had been throwing garbage and whatnot in there and I kept wanting to take it all out - but it creeped me out a little. I mean, this was someone's grave, right? And though it was disrespectful of people to throw their trash into it, I would feel really weird if I started to clean it out and found ... coffin! With dried skull and hair sticking out. Or a boney hand. Anyway ... back to the dreams. So, anyway, the first dream was very ordinary, until I woke myself up with a kick of my leg - I hate it when I do that. And I did like to be with my old high school friends again, so I went back to sleep. And so, this one blonde girl, I think it's Katie from back in the day, is talking to me on this couch - I'm back where I was, back in the hotel, with friends and instruments, and everything's peachy. And Katie's asking me if I remember Lee Sapp because she's holding a trombone. And I'm like, "of course I do, he was a pretty good friend back in grade school." And he was, but then, in middle school, he moved so I never really kept in touch. You know, I kind of really miss him the more that I think about it. I think I'll write him a letter. I haven't done that in a few years. Want to see how he's doing, what college he's going to, things like that, you know, catch up. Anyway. So we're chatting, and as it turns out, it's time for us to start packing up to leave and so we go off to our rooms and I'm packing, I drag my suitcase out to the lobby - which is windowed. Very windowed. And suddenly - There's my dad. And he's come to take me home. My dad ... has been dead for almost six years. But there he is, and he's smiling, and I'm extremely happy to see him, so I run to him and hug him and he says he's come to take me home - and then things start changing. The clouds get darker over the ocean outside, and people are shouting for everyone to find shelter. And I look out this back window, I'm still in my dad's arms, and I can hear wind, and hear rain and thunder and I'm thinking "no, no no, not again." And from out of nowhere, this waterspout forms. I start yelling "Dad, Dad, I have to get you somewhere safe." And he just lifts me up, and carries me saying "no, you'll be all right, Seth. You'll be all right." And he takes me into this bathroom, and sets me in the tub, and I'm saying "but" and he just grabs my shoulders and says "stay here. don't move. you'll be safe." And then he's out the door and locking it and I'm screaming "DAD! DAD!" It makes my throat hurt, just thinking about it. And I'm crying. It's not like I can get out of this room now; so I just sit up in the tub and hug my knees and cry as I can feel the storm rip through the building, go over where I was, just pass through ... and then it's gone. And all this while, I'm finding it difficult to breathe. And ... Do you know how sometimes you can hear a song in your dreams, but you don't know where it's coming from, yet it's there - and you know all the words in the unconscious realm, but when you wake up, you can't really remember them at all? Yeah ... it was one of those songs. I know the song now, I listened to it repeatedly when I finally got up, "Whisper" by Evanescence. I don't think I've ever listened to a song so intensely since I heard Pink Floyd's "High Hopes" ... Catch me as I fall Say you're here and it's all over now. Speaking to the atmosphere. No one's here and I fall into myself. This truth drives me into madness. I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away. If I will it all away. Don't turn away Don't give into the pain. Don't try to hide. Though they're screaming your name. Don't close your eyes. God knows what lies behind them. Don't turn out the light. Never sleep never die. I'm frightened by what I see But somehow I know that there's much more to come. Immobilized, by my fears And soon to be blinded by tears I can stop the pain if I will it all away. If I will it all away. Don't turn away Don't give in to the pain. Don't try to hide Though they're screaming your name Don't close your eyes God knows what lies behind them Don't turn out the light Never sleep never die. Fallen Angels at my feet Whispered voices at my ear Death before my eyes Lying next to me I fear She beckons me shall I give in Upon my end shall I begin Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end. Yes - it seems more fitting than anything right now ... doesn't it, Lindsay? That's going on, I can hear that song, in my dream. And the storms over, so I jump out of the tub and run to the door, pounding on it, screaming for my dad. I start to cough, and I pound harder on the door, try the knob, keep trying to get out of this small, windowless room, just screaming for Dad; then I start coughing harder, and I can feel something on my arm - and I look - And there's the chain on my right arm - and I take a moment to breathe a few deep breaths before screaming from - I don't know what - and pounding on the door again, this time with my head, I'm screaming "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" And then I fall back. And my eyes open. And I'm in that warm, red room again, lying on the bed, and I blink, because -he- is towering over me, touching my hair as he sits at my side. And he asks me how I'm feeling. And I'm quiet for a little bit, I even remember closing my eyes then, at peace for a moment, before opening them and just glaring at -him- ... Until I finally jerk myself around and just kick him in the ribs with my left foot, off of the bed. And he goes down. Oh, how he goes down. Because I'm royally pissed off, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm frustrated - I don't think there's enough adjectives and feelings to describe what I was feeling at that moment. And I sit up, and just look down at -him- for a moment and start screaming at him to "give it back" - whatever it was. Then I started to yell "give him back" and "give her back" - I could have been talking about my father, my mother, Lindsay, everyone - I don't know, but then I started yelling "give it back!" again. "Give it back! Give it back!" And -he's- staring up at me with this look on his face - I don't know how to describe it, stunned maybe. Defiant? I don't know. But then he grabs my ankles - And I wake up. I cough. I write down my dream in my notebook - because it felt extremely significant. I go back to sleep. I'm outside. It's cloudy, with the sun breaking through a few clouds. I'm around green. Grass is green. It looks very much like the moors of England ... like ... from the Secret Garden and such. And -he's- behind me ... I think, could be to my side. I can smell honeysuckle. I'm pulling on the chains around my wrists, and he's watching me, and he's saying something, but I can tell he's not happy about what I'm doing, even though I can't understand what he's saying. And I can feel the weight of the chains on my wrists as I pull on them, and I'm casting the occasional pissed-off glare at -him- as I keep trying to get them off. And somehow, I get the one on my right wrist off. And he's not happy about that. But I throw it to the ground and work on the left. -He- grabs my arms, and I can feel my right wrist pulsing, hot as I work on the left. I just ignore him - because I'm still pissed off. Probably because I want my father back, because by then I know -he- has something to do with the fact that my dad didn't come back for me. He keeps talking to me, and I can't remember what he's saying, but I remember telling him "you have no right." And the left wrist is free; it feels like the right, pulsing, hot ... pain, like the feeling you have when you twist your ankle ... I hold on to that chain, though, and I look at -him- ... and he can tell that I'm angry. I spit at -his- feet. Then I wrap the chain around him - around his neck, I think, and I'm yelling at him to give it back, staring him in the eye. And he smiles at me, and tells me that he knows that I could never kill him, not in my dreams - I could never kill anyone; I'm too gentle. And I recall saying this, word for word, tone for tone, I say: "Remember the ships?" And he doesn't look so sure of himself anymore; he looks like he's about to say something but then I say: "Give it back, then." And I start to feel that catch in my chest, where I can't breathe without coughing, like something's caught there; dry cough, from the chest ... And I scream at him "NOW!" And I cough. And that cough wakes me, because I actually coughed myself awake. I try to go back asleep. I'm almost there ... I see a face, in the dark - but it's illuminated ... because it's so ... white. It's a girl, woman ... a very beautiful woman. She has a round face, her hair is up - but that's all I see, her face, to the base of her neck, her hair - that's all ... I just know ... that she's very beautiful ... and things had a dark-ish blue tint to it. Prismatic. Her eyes - I don't know if they were blue or not, it was just a fleeting glimpse of this face, but around her eyes, the shadow had a blue lace to it ... but it was as though she was in a completely dark place, and her skin itself was the light ... ... she was ... so beautiful. But I coughed myself awake again. And I couldn't go back to sleep after that ... And here I sit now ... Typing this out. Coughing like mad, because I can't get this catch out of my chest. Hopefully, today will be a good day. I'm off to write some more ... maybe even take a nap if I can ... or maybe not. Kind of scared to, now. Never sleep, never die.