I just got back from getting my driver's license renewed. Not a bad picture, actually. They've upgraded since I got my first one back in 2000. It's pretty now - and there's no way that it could peel apart like the old one did. And it doesn't say "Under 21" anymore, either. It's all pretty and clean-looking and ... yeah. It was about time I got it renewed - should have had it done a month ago. I signed the back, got an orange sticker on the front, too, that says "organ donor." Yeah ... I signed the back of my license, wasn't that just novel of me? But, signing the back of your license makes you really think about death. I mean, I've thought about death before, but not really -my- death, you know? This would be something that would happen to me after -I- died, and not someone else. It just really ... humbles you, you know? I guess being and organ donor is kind of like becoming immortal. I mean, I know this sounds silly, but a piece of you is going into another person, and becomes a part of that person. And I've heard stories about people having memories of their donors - and, well, another thing is if that person is a woman, and has a child, and that child still has a piece of you in it, and then that child's child will have that and on and on and ... Ah, forget it. It was just a silly thing anyway. Biologically, it's impossible, but hey - it was a good laugh at the time. When I got home, I talked with David about the whole organ donor thing. He said that it was very kind and noble of me to do something like that, but he also told me that signing the back of my license doesn't mean anything if -he- says no - because family has the final say. He told me that if there was any chance that I could live, then he would put me on the machine and not let them "harvest my organs." Gee that's ... thoughtful of him. It almost makes me think that he thinks of those doctors as aliens because of the way he said "harvest your organs." *sigh* We'd talked about this before - lots of times. The first time we talked about it, I was twelve and my parents were still around. David and I had just watched this special on TV about a kid who needed a new heart - and the whole family went into this big discussion. I told my parents that if anything ever happened to me, then I wanted to donate my organs to another kid who needed it. Of course, I wasn't really thinking about death at the time - I never really thought about it when I was a kid. But it made my parents think about it. When I was fourteen, they talked to me about it again - THEY came to ME, talking about organ donation. I told them I still wanted to do it. And ... we embarked on a serious discussion. Very serious and solemn. It was bad. They said that they hated the thought of me dying, that they couldn't bare to think about it. It's humbling. Very humbling. Have you ever noticed that a pet who loses its master is called a stray, a woman who loses her husband is a called widow, a man who loses his wife is called a widower, a child who loses his parents is called an orphan ... but there is no word for a parent who loses a child? Maybe it's because the thought of losing your child is just something so horrible that no one wants to think of it ... When I die, after my organs are donated, I want to be cremated. I want my ashes spread over Yahoo Falls in Cumberland Forest, so I can rest there, peacefully. I'm going to stop with this discussion now. David's packing up to go fishing now, since he has the day off tomorrow. He likes going fishing. I don't. I mean, I used to LOVE going fishing with him and Dad when Dad was still around, but now? Now I can't STAND it when he comes home smelling like fish. I want to puke. That said, I think it's time to get on to my dreams and whatnot, right? This hasn't been a real cheery day - but then, it also hasn't been a bad day either. Two dreams. First dream: I was there, but then I wasn't. My third eye was working overtime, I think. I felt like I was there, but then, it was like ... I just wasn't ... And this was the second morning in a row that I awoke with "Amazing Grace" in my head ... last night, it was the dream of the girl's "funeral" and then now, it was this dream. The first thing I remember is it being night time, and cold - and I don't know what exactly was going on, but it was like I was placed in the middle of the film - like I was surrounded by screen or something - just watching everything. I felt cold - the damp kind of cold, but yet I was in this sandy place - this desert-looking place. And there were at least two people - and they were in danger, being chased by this HUGE worm or snake or ... it reminded me of DUNE, these creatures did. They were VERY big and VERY violent. And these people were screaming and running, trying to get away - and all I could do was stand there and watch as the mouth of one of the worm/snakes came down on one of them - he screamed ... I feel like he was out there, trying to communicate with something - something on the outside - but it could hurt them, they weren't supposed to be there, they weren't supposed to communicate with whatever it was ... And then I shifted, I was in this dimly lit room ... like a coffee shop kind of, and there were about twenty people scattered throughout the place as this short-haired redhead was sitting there playing her guitar. I felt as if I had been invited to listen to her perform, and that I was obligated to go. No one noticed I was there, however, and I just leaned against the far wall, and listened to her. The wall felt cool against my back. She was singing folk songs, but I don't remember what they were. Then she looks at me - she's the only one who sees me - and she smiles at me and just sings. And before I know it, she's singing "Amazing Grace" - and a few people around her are joining in - but all I remember was that they started singing the second verse a capella - "twas grace that taught me how to fear, and grace my fears relieved; how precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed." And I remembered thinking - why are they singing this song to me? But the girl is staring at me while she's singing ... like she wants me to sing - like she wants them to hear me. I'm not Christian ... but I know the song - I love the song, it's a beautiful song - but I always feel strange when I sing it, like I shouldn't, because it's a Christian song; and though I don't mean to, I don't want them to think I'm making a mockery of them ... but I love the song so much, I really do. It's so beautiful. And in the dream, I'm scared to sing, but I do anyway, very quietly, I start to sing, and by the end of the first line, everyone's quiet, and looking at me - and I'm nervous ... "Through many dangers, toils, and snares, I have already come. 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home." But I don't get to sing home - it's like my eyes suddenly open and I can feel someone shaking me awake - and there's Evan, hovering over me, staring at me with wide eyes, saying loudly "What are you doing?! You're supposed to be resting!" And then I wake up for real. And somehow I know that Evan "woke me up" because I'd been singing in my sleep ... That was a strange dream ... but I woke up with that song in my head for the second day in a row. I don't know why ... I don't know why that song has been so prominent lately. Second Dream: The first thing I remember is standing on the deck of a ship at night, leaning against the rail and just watching the water. It's cold, there's a cold breeze - the boat is moving. I'm still wearing my white pajamas, but I've wrapped myself in this fleece, dark-green blanket. And I'm just leaning against the rail, watching the water. The sky is clear, but I'm just watching the water. There are people walking behind me every now and then, and I can see them, with my third eye - I keep seeing everything from all of these different angles. They look at me, but they keep on walking. Then there's a commotion behind me, like someone's trying to make them all go away, or seal off that area of the deck and then the people are just gone. I start to chew on the blanket ... yeah, that's what I do, I chew on things. I feel nervous, though. I feel someone behind me ... and then I feel arms around me and I know it's Evan. I smile a little bit, but not much, because I know he's come there to scold me for something. He says "You're supposed to be in bed." But instead of directing me back to my room, he just holds me there and presses his cheek to the top, left side of my head. And I speak - yes, I speak, though quiet it is, very quiet, just a murmur, like I'm conserving my voice. "I wanted to be awake for a while. I was starting to forget what it was like to be awake." He says "You can be awake in bed." And I beg him tiredly, "Please, just let me stay out here for a little longer. Please?" And he says "okay" and holds me a little tighter. His fingers are touching me very lightly - his knuckles start to brush against my cheek and neck and ... it makes me tremble - in a good way, with the butterflies in my stomach again. Then he tilts my head to the right, holds me a little tighter and starts to kiss and lick my jaw, very slow. Very, very slow. It makes me weak-legged. I turn in his arms and he whispers for me to close my eyes - and I do. He starts to kiss my neck. I wake up. *smiles and sighs a little* It was good dream, I think. A very good dream. And though it feels so good, these dreams also remind me of what I don't have ... Kind of makes me want to stay asleep and never wake up ... But what if that's what -they- want? What if he's just -pretending- to love me? What if he's just there to give me what I want, to make me WANT to sleep, so that they could use me for ... whatever they want to use me for? That's ... depressing. I don't want to think about this anymore. I'm going to take a nap before Kenshin comes on. Blessed be. Look it! I got myself a COLOR picture for once. 13 DAYS UNTIL MIDSUMMER CELEBRATION! ... can you imagine how creepy this is going to sound when I get down to seven days? ___________________________________________________________________

Which Evangelion Child Are You?

((Who didn't see this one coming?))