Due to a conflict with David and my inability to keep with the new "11 o'clock" curfew, I will not be online until Saturday. I'm at school now, since I have a class in two hours, and thought I would probably type out my dreams and such - and let you guys know where I am and ... stuff. I know. I've been a naughty boy. Oh well. I look on the bright side right now, though. A good thing will come from this ... aside from the whole listening to David thing. For a while now, I've felt like I just wanted to shut down, you know? Just, close everything off for a while ... you know ... how computers sometimes just need to be turned off for a while when they've been over-worked ... yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Why? Why, do you ask, do I feel this way? Remember how, in a recent entry, I talked about how people just sort of flock to me, tell me all of their problems? Well, I also try to fix them all - because I'm fucking SUPER SETH! I can save the world. All of the world's problems are MY problems and I have to fix them! I just HAVE to! Because that's what I -DO-!!! My beliefs have me help everyone and everything to restore harmony to Nature and ... the world, really! People tell me over and over that the whole fucking world is NOT my responsibility. I know it's not, but I can't help it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to help people - I love it, I really do. I really, really do LOVE to help people. And I'll keep doing it, too - because it's something that I love to do. I've tried to stop, thought, but there's a calling in me that won't let me stop. There's a kindness inside of me that doesn't let me turn anyone away. And last night, I'd just about had it. A friend online was telling me about all of her problems - but her problems are the SAME FUCKING PROBLEMS every single fucking time I talk to her, because she's stubborn - she'll listen to my advice, but she won't fucking DO anything - and sometimes, I think she THRIVES on being pitied. And last night I try to help her, but she has this problem that I really can't do anything about - I won't talk about it here, because it's her problem, not mine - but to be terribly honest, I'm tired of hearing about her same problem over and over and over when she doesn't fucking DO anything about it. Sure, I wouldn't mind it if she'd actually TRIED something and it didn't work, but I just can't take it any more from her. She has to TRY or else nothing's ever going to happen. So finally, after an hour of telling me all of this same old shit that's wrong with her, she FINALLY asks how I am. And I gave her the answer that I've given a lot of people lately. "Do you want the conventional answer, or the honest one?" And she, of course, said she wanted the honest one. So I told her, I told her the truth - and, sometimes I just don't think it occurs to her that other people have problems, too - that other people feel like shit, too, you know? And I told her about how I wanted to just quit and shut down for a little while - and she acts all hurt - and she doesn't have to say anything, but I can read her, even from this screen, just because I know how she is, and though she just says "are you going to stop talking, then?" I know that she's really saying "you know you're being inconsiderate of others feelings by closing yourself off." And I told her that I wasn't going to stop talking and then she said something about going to cry herself to sleep and signed off. And I just stared at the screen for a good, long while. It hurts ... to know that you made someone else cry. I care ... I really do care, I do! I'm not being inconsiderate, damnit! I'm a good person and I fucking CARE - I just want to be alone for a while, that's all. So ... that's why this whole having Friday off of the computer will be a good thing - a very good thing. I can just close myself off for a day - and see how I like being ALONE for a while. Just me, my cat, my swinging chair, and my thoughts. That being said ... I guess I could talk about my dreams. I remember a lot for some reason ... a lot more than I usually do. Probably because I kept waking up ... but I think I only have time to write about three, even though I kind of remember four or five. First Dream: I'm in this concert hall - there's going to be a concert, and it's going to be used as a distraction for all of the people that come, so they won't notice what's really going on. And I'm invisible to everyone, but they're all excited and gathered around the stage to see the group that's performing - and it's going to just be two girls. One has short dark hair, the other has shoulder-length red hair and wear white tee-shirts. It's like, when they perform, not only will the people be distracted, but something bad is also going to be taken from them. The girls are getting ready, and I feel like danger is around, like something is trying to sabotage the concert. The girls are talking, but they're not talking in English, I don't know what it is ... it sounds like German or Russian ... could be Romanian, I don't know ... but I can understand them. They're just giving each other prep talks. But they know I'm there - it's like they can see me and interact with me, but no one else can. So I sneak away to the stage and stand there, looking out at all the people - then the announcer comes on over the speakers and announces the girls. The music starts - but it's recorded music, like, from a machine, though I know the girls are going to be singing on their own, they just need the back-up music. The dark-haired girl comes out ... but the music suddenly stops as she's about to sing the first world. Then she's frozen on the stage, and the other girl comes out, and starts singing, but the music skips - someone's trying to stop the music. But the girl goes on to sing the entire first stanza a capella, even though she sounds like she's scared and about the cry. And then I look at her, then up to the soundbooth. And I think "MUSIC!" really loud - and I see someone go running out of the control booth, screaming. Then, I think of where the music should be, and it starts again, this time without any glitches. And as the crowd is cheering, the redhead looks to me and smiles, really relieved - like she's extremely happy that I'm there, and knows that it was me that fixed it. I just stand there for a while, watching them perform, they're singing in Russian now, I know they are - and I'm off to the side, lightly singing, too ... but as the redhead gets close to me, she's singing, and I'm just singing, really quietly, and as her counterpart takes over, I'm still singing, but she looks at me and looks like she's laughing, then winks at me and gives me the finger to the lips "shushing" motion, you know? Because she doesn't want the others to know I'm there. I smile. Then I wake up. Second Dream: I don't remember this one very well. I'm sitting in this dark, cave-like place or room ... and -he- is curled up on the floor in this just ... very limp heap. He's hurt - I think he's dead. I walk over to him, very slow and careful, I'm being very cautious. And I crouch down by his head and just, look at him. He just ... looks like he's in a lot of pain, and ... he's very pale. I tilt my head, and he looks at me - surprised to see that I'm there, but sad, too ... that I am there. He speaks very quietly to me, he says "Larc." And I just stare at him ... the sight of him, almost makes me want to cry ... I hate to see him suffer. And he says "Are you going to kill me?" I ... don't feel like I can. I don't want to kill anyone, I just want everything to live peacefully ... and he just ... he doesn't move, he's just looking at me and speaking to me. It's like ... he can't move ... and I just can't stand to see him in so much pain, and so weak. I can tell he's heartbroken as he looks at me. I don't want to kill him, I really don't. I raise my hand and he shuts his eyes tightly, like he's bracing himself. So I whisper to him, very quietly, and say "Just ... go home. Go to sleep." And as he opens his eyes wide, like he's shocked, I cover them with my hand, and he looks like he's about to say something ... but I just whisper, very sadly, "Goodnight, master." And then he's gone. He just ... disappears. And I wake up. Third Dream: I'm cold ... ... but I'm wearing that black kimono. Yes, Lindsay ... THE black kimono. I'm pulling the girl ... the glowing girl with light hair ... I'm pulling her from the ground, the dirt - it's cloudy and dark outside, but I can see, but I can't remember what she looked like, I just remember that it was the glowing girl from previous dreams. Let's call her ... Niveus ... for my sake. And I'm pulling her from the dirt, from a hole in the ground, like a grave - but I know she's alive. But as I'm pulling on her, I'm starting to feel a lot of pain, and very weak. But there's someone there waiting for me, to take her from me to a safe place - and I give her one last tug, then both of us are free and lying on the ground. I'm panting, my head hurts, I'm in pain - sharp, excrutiating pain over my left eye, like someone jabbed an icepick into my skull. The people grab her immediately and carry her away to a safe place, and I just lie there, cradling my head because it just hurts so fucking bad. I try to stand up, but I only make it to my knees before I feel hands on my shoulders behind me. I start to look around me, to see who it is, but I hear a voice and it stops me - it sounds familiar, and I just stare at the person's left arm - he's wearing a sky-blue kimono of his own ... and he's saying "Don't look. Stay very still." He's older than me, I can feel it, but he sounds young. Suddenly, his right hand moves and before I know it, there's a knife at my throat. He says, very lowly, "You're in a lot of trouble, my friend." Then he has me to my feet, but my back stays to him. I want to move, but he keeps telling me to stay very still. I'm either holding my breath or breathing very shallow breaths - and I feel like screaming, because I'm so afraid, and in so much pain - but he has the knife to my throat. He wraps his arm around me, but keeps that knife to my neck and he guides me to this dark ... tomb-looking thing ... like monolith? Is that what those are called? In a cemetery. Made of stone, but there's no caskets in it ... I know what he wants. Dreams of rape are not uncommon for me - I just haven't had them for a while ... He wants me to stand very still ... and he's still behind me. I'm scared, I'm so scared ... and he, very slowly, wraps his arms around me and starts to take off my kimono. It falls around my waist, and he starts to run the fingers of his right hand down my spine ... I can still feel it, his fingers were warm, they made me tremble. Then, I can still feel this too, he rakes the blunt end of his knife down my spine, very very very slowly. But then he drops the knife and grabs my arms, and pulls me to him, and presses his head against the back of my neck. That's when I realize that he doesn't really ... have the heart to rape me ... that he really just ... wants to hold me for a while. I'm not so scared anymore. He whispers to me that he's sorry, that he didn't mean to scare me ... and I close my eyes and he just curls his arms around me, and makes me lean against him. And then I whisper, very quietly, "you could have asked ... I would have said yes ..." Then I wake up. Yeah, dreams of rape, though, are not uncommon for me - and always, ALWAYS, I am the victim. The dream directory has this to say about that. "Being a victim in a non-recurring rape dream usually dictates a message that you are being personally violated, thwarted, or ruthlessly exploited in waking life." (Yeah .. what was the first part about this entry about again?) "In dreams of this nature, the aggressor is a face-less adversary. This could be explained by the fact that people who get close enough to us in life to exploit us often are significant to us in other, more positive ways. The dream is not meant to have an actual agressor, but simply serve as a warning that you're being overpowered." Really? ... you think so? You don't say ... (please note sarcasm.) And, with that being said, I'm going to slink off to get myself a little dinner before I have class. Maybe I'll run into Emily and talk to her for a few minutes. And, after class tonight, begins my process of shutting down, and I will be completely closed off from people until I wake up Saturday morning. I love you all ... I do. Melissa, I love you! Lindsay, I love you so muchly. I'll write to you Saturday morning. I'll miss you. Take care, everyone. Stay safe and beautiful. Blessed be. Time to rest ... P.S. Ten days until you-know-when.