What do you do when the only person who can stop your crying is the one you are crying over? She's gone. My beloved lovely is gone. For six months my life will have this vast, empty void where she used to be. As much as I prayed and hoped and prayed for her not to have to go away ... it wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough. I don't understand why she had to go - the addiction's not her fault. It's not! And yet she's being punished for it, punished for being sick. And now she's gone. And I'm alone. I feel as if my other half has been taken from me. Half of me is gone. I'm still crying. I haven't stopped since last night. I feel so empty now. So alone. She gave me a reason breathe, to be. She made me feel loved ... and needed. And I think the only thing that will get me through this is me telling myself each and every day, reminding myself that she loves me. But that doesn't stop her from being gone. She was the only person that I came online for night after night. Just to talk to her. And, yes, sometimes our conversations weren't so wonderful, but I loved talking to her just the same. I would risk getting into massive trouble with David because I'd be up so late just talking to her. I would talk to her about so much, tell her things that I could never bring myself to tell anyone. Anyone. I felt like I could tell her anything. I trusted her. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had a true soulmate. A friend. Someone who understood me and accepted me for who I am. Someone who didn't just walk away after finding out so much about me. I'd finally found someone how understood me, someone I could talk to ... and now she's gone. Now I won't have anyone who understands me, no one I can really talk to ... for six months. Yes, I have people who say I can talk to them about anything, people who say they'll listen to me - but it will take me so long, to reach that level with them that I had with my lovely, probably never at all. They are not my lovely. And I need my lovely. I need my lovely now. I can't wait six months to have her back. I need her now. For the past five nights in a row, I have cried myself to sleep. I miss her so much - I missed her even before she left. I just miss her. So much, and it's barely been a day. I know she's still with me in spirit. I know we still have dreams together. But I miss talking to her. Interaction. I miss her songs. I miss tea and cuddling. I miss her ... why does she have to go away? Why do cops have to arrest and punish addicts for getting what they need to survive? Why not punish the dealers instead? Just the dealers? It's not the addict's fault that she's sick and needs the drug to function. It's not her fault that she's addicted and the only way she can ease the pain is by taking a shot. They should be trying to help her get past the sickness, not locking her away - taking her away from all that she loves, from everything that makes her feel safe and gives her a reason to live. She's had a tough enough life, she's being punished enough with her sickness and addiction; she doesn't NEED to be punished anymore! It's not her fault! It's not her fault ... ... the world is so cruel. So fucking cruel. And all if all of it is like this, then I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to take part in a world without my lovely - I don't want to be in a world that has treated me so cruel, then gave me one thing that makes me happy, something I can live for, that gives me a reason to be ... ... and then rips her right out of my hands. I don't know if I can make it without her. But I'm going to try. I'm going to try my best ... no matter how much it hurts. I had a CAT scan this afternoon to see if there was "another" reason for my migraines - but I just told them to call me with the results. I couldn't wait around to find out. I'm too emotionally torn right now to wait. So I just came home and cried - like I have been doing since Sunday night. Some people, they claim that they care - they claim that they "really will listen" and "really are there for you" - but do they really care? Are they honestly listening to me and trying to give me heartfelt advice? Is it real? It's not when I just come out and tell them what's really wrong with me, and all they can say is "I'm sorry" or "it'll be okay. like they weren't expecting it. If they didn't want to hear about my shit, they shouldn't have fucking ASKED. It's like they couldn't believe that I could have a problem that big - or better yet, they don't believe you, and they think you've just made it all up to get attention and sympathy, thus making you feel worse than before ... because now YOU think that no one fucking BELIEVES YOU! I didn't have that with my lovely. She understood. She could relate to me, talk to me like I'm a person and not a problem. She understood me. She loved me. She means more to me that she could ever understand, than I think anyone cane ever understand. And everytime I told her that I loved her, I meant it. I honestly meant it. I love her. I miss her so much. I don't want any comments for this entry that read along the lines of "I'm so sorry" or "I understand" or "I can relate" or "If you want to talk, etc" - I don't need that. But some words of encouragement would be nice. Give me reason.