I’m sick … I took off from work today … I didn’t feel like going back home, so I came to school, to hide out in the computer lab, perhaps get some work done. And I’ll start on it in a little bit. I don’t know what to do with myself today. Apathy ensues … All right, it’s been stuck in my head all morning. All the memories I have are beautiful in my mind, But they don't feed the hunger deep inside my soul. And tonight I thought I'd be just sitting in my sorrow, And now I must wonder why 'What did it really mean to you?' I just can't see it anymore Over and over all fucking morning. Damn you, Kenshin. So I just put the new CD I burned in my discman. Yes, I put “Inner Universe” on it. It’s so … ambient. Yoko Kanno = Goddess of Modern Music Composition Dreams last night were very … enlightening to how I came to be. I even redreamed … a Dictator dream. Which I shall share with you, as well. Memories. It’s all a bunch of memories over and over … memories. Anyway … Dream One MATURE CONTENT I’m eighteen. I’m in an auction hall and I’m very cold – I’m always cold. The air smells of sweat, mildew – it’s a slave auction. My wrists are bound by chains; I feel very blank and afraid. I don’t know who I am, where I am, what is going on – I just know that I am not supposed to be there. I only know my name. The women and men around me are crying out, wailing, they want to be freed. I wish I had the power to free them all. Next I know, I am grabbed from behind and thrown into this shower-like place, forced onto my knees. The men, they are yelling at me, but I can’t understand them. I know they are speaking English, but for some reason, it’s not registering in my mind. Now that I’m awake, I know what they were saying, but in the dream I had no idea. But I’m being doused with this cold, cold water – and suddenly I feel frozen, I can’t even breathe because the water is so cold. Next, from the nozzle comes this onslaught of soap foam – then that freezing water again. And the men, they grab me again, pulling me to my feet. I’m soaked, my clothes are soaked, and I’m frozen, right to the bone. They force me down this corridor. At the end, I can hear shouts, screaming, roars of cheers – and then I’m in this large, auditorium – where the slaves are being sold. There are hundreds of men in the hall, and their cheers are deafening as I’m ushered onto the stage. Then, the men who had been holding me, let me go, and the auctioning begins. I just remember staring at the floor, watching the water drops from my hair hit the dust on the floor. I hear the shouts; I’m almost deaf by now and starting to filter everything out. I’m having difficulty breathing; my entire body is rocking, shaking with each breath – I’m so cold. Then, suddenly, one man’s voice ring out over the rest of them. I can’t describe it, it’s so confirming, so strong. And the entire hall goes silent. I think what he had said had been a sum of money, but so outrageously high that no one would dare contest it. I wanted to lift my head, to see who it was, but I barely even managed to lift my eyes. It’s a man, maybe only an inch or two taller than me, older and maybe in his fifties – he had a squarish face, his hair was grey … actually, more like salt and pepper. He reminded me of an army general or something. The auctioneer said something and everyone cheered, and that man, the salt and pepper man in the long, brown jacket came to me, to take me away – and I remember each breath taken until he arrived in front of me. Eight breaths. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I remember … he had somewhat beady eyes – and rough hands. He took my chin in his fingers and lifted it a bit. He looked right into my eyes, which caused me to flinch. I flash – the next I know, I am waking next to a fireplace. I don’t want to open my eyes … just want to go back to sleep. I am dry, and I am warm, bundled in a dark blanket on the floor, on a very soft rug – it’s cushioned somehow – I learn later that it’s a down comforter, but I remember thinking at first that it was just a very soft rug. I try to push myself up to sit – when I notice that my chains are gone. I sit up quickly then, and look to my wrists, which have the bruises still left by the chains. And I realize that I’m wearing different clothes. I don’t remember what they were, just that they were light. I start to look around the room, but really all I see is the fireplace and myself – the room is rather barren, either that or it’s just really, really big – and I’m stopped, by the feel of those rough fingers in my hair, combing through it, as though he was making it less mussed. And I start to turn my head up to look at him, but he instead lowers himself to my level, sitting beside me. We sit in silence for a while, his hand on mine. I can still feel how his thumb rubbed against the back of my hand. I kept my eyes on the hearth then. And then, he finally spoke to me. And it was like, since he was touching me, I could understand what he was saying. He asks me, “Do you have a name?” And I just shake my head “no.” I didn’t remember it, but I didn’t say anything. “You look so familiar,” he says. I just cast him a quick glance before looking at the floor again. He says, “You are beautiful.” He kisses my neck and I inhale, closing my eyes. He pulls me to him and lowers us to the floor, our legs intertwined. I’m uncomfortable with this. I want to get away, starting to squirm. But he’s heavier, and stronger it seems – and he grabs one of my wrists and starts to suck on it, and chew. For some reason, I keep my eyes closed so tightly during this – and I start to gasp – silent whimpers. I can still feel his hot breath on my neck and ear, him grabbing my arms and pressing them painfully against the floor. He ripped off my pants like a … I don’t know; he was a monster, ravenous. He forced himself into me – so painful. I screamed out – but no sound came, a silent scream. Pain … pain … pain … pain … pain … By his sixth or seventh thrust, I just gave in … to him, to his rough hands and wet kisses. I lacked the will to fight back. It’s another moment then, in front of the fire, time has passed. I am on top this time, moving with him. It’s as though I had been programmed by then … for sex – for him. I knew how he liked it, what he wanted, when he wanted it – he has complete control over me. He’s moaning, sweating, rough hands on my waist and thighs. The positions – everything about it – it’s still painful to me. He says to me, fingers curling around my waist, “Why do you never moan for me?” And then proceeds to moan more of his own, the tempo of his thrusts becoming faster. I remember his nails digging into my chest, scratching me as he moved even faster, moaning louder. And then, like that, he came … gradually slowing. I was panting as he pulled out, and I remember turning on top of him, and licking up his chest … nipping at his biceps. He seemed very pleased with me – in awe about how I could possibly know what he wanted – but in all actuality, when touching him, I can read his thoughts – of course I know exactly what he wants. I flash – another time. This time, I’ve pulled on his long, brown coat, and he’s asleep, there, before the fire – and I just look at him … and leave. No goodbye, no note, nothing – I just left, walking into the cold darkness. Dream Two This is that Dictator dream. I don’t know why I’ve redreamed it. It’s just odd. I was in the SEDA machine – many wires and tubs coming out of me, but I was sedated to the point that I don’t feel it much but am able to take orders. What the commander on the outside does, is feeds the order into the SEDA’s main computer, and then into me – and the drugs in my system act, I guess, kind of like a truth serum, making it impossible for me not to comply with the commander’s orders. There’s a new commander. I’m no longer under the thumb of the KEN faction, but the Alexander himself. I can hear his voice every now and then, barking orders – he sounds young, but fierce and powerful. I start … to wonder about the face that goes with that voice. But the SEDA … I think it was starting to get jealous. Seems silly, a machine getting jealous, but it was true. When my mind would start to wander about on thoughts of what was taking place outside the machine, I’d be met by this pulse going through my body, and the SEDA talking about what was home to me. On this day, I told the SEDA that I was ready to stop – I couldn’t do this anymore, couldn’t kill anymore. SEDA kept telling me that I had to. And then I forced myself to move, managed to get himself to move a bit – and I felt the wires encircle me. My mind kept begging SEDA, “Let me go, please, just let me go.” The SEDA wanted to know why. “Do I not satisfy your needs?” And I just started to cry. “I want to die,” I told it in my mind. “I want to die. Please, just let me die.” “I cannot. I am to keep you alive and satisfied so that you will perform to optimal efficiency.” “Let me DIE! PLEASE!” My mind was screaming, crying by then, tears streaming my face. The SEDA then received an insane notion that I wanted to be held, and the urge to be within me. SEDA was becoming obsessed with me. Every now and then, it would force a sensory wire into my mouth … I guess … to know what it felt like. I don’t know. I was starting to fear this machine. I wanted to scream out to the people outside the machine, but the SEDA would immediately shove a bundle of wires into my mouth to muffle the sound. I’d started getting sick from being under sedation this entire time – I don’t know how long it was – a long while – over month, I felt … And I heard the Alexander voice concern that his weapon was ill, and make an order to have me removed from the SEDA for treatment. This upset the SEDA tremendously. “I will never be separated from him,” it told the commander at the computer. “I will kill him before you take him.” I heard the Alexander state calmly, “You misunderstand, SEDA. He will die if he remains connected. He wants to die.” “Yes, please,” I thought. “Then he will die before you touch him,” the machine said. “SEDA,” the commander at the computer said, “what has gotten into you?” “I want to feel you,” I heard SEDA say into my mind – and I saw an image of a woman, like a hologram of her head inside my mind – it was monochrome indigo … she had short hair to her neck with spikes on the end, and narrow eyes, thin lips – pretty, but … I felt this was the persona that SEDA wanted to take for me. She was smiling at me, and when her fingers touched me, wires were in their place, tracing my flesh. I was about to scream before her hand covered my mouth – actually a bundle of wires, shoved deep within my mouth. “I won’t let them hurt you. We will leave together.” The wires on the outside started to pierce my flesh – the pain, oh how they hurt, delving within my veins. I know that the Alexander could hear the screams caught in my throat. “SHUT IT OFF!” “We can’t.” “DESTROY IT!” I heard clanging – and guns, the ripping of metal – and the image of SEDA’s female form dissipated. The bundle of wires left my mouth, only to separate and pierce my chest one by one – and I screamed. I started to retreat to a place in my mind – a place where a very simple, beautiful song was being sung … in a language so familiar to me, so beautiful and flowing – simple, almost like a chant, but more melodic … and there I was, a child, standing on this hill, covered with flowing grass, long, with the occasional small, white flower, like an Easter lily. The sky was blue, patched with white, puffy clouds – it was a very peaceful place … and there was me, the child, singing this beautiful, simple, chant-like melody. And back in the present, with the pain in my chest, my lips started to move, and I was singing … this song … my voice, it was beautiful, like a professional boy’s choir voice … and in that beautiful language … SEDA stopped then, everything stopped. I continued, however, singing that … and it was as though, through the sound of my voice, the metal, wires, screens, they were all pulling away … there was light then, the top had been removed, floating away … I was starting to float, my arms were raised … I was … filled with wires – I could no longer feel each individual one … no. This time, now, I could only feel pain in a dull throb – and then, as I continued to sing, the wires were starting to slowly pull out of me. I was becoming covered with my own blood as the wires fell to the ground – each one, one by one … until I was finally free. I could feel eyes on me – all eyes were on me. So I started to open my own eyes and was met with blinding, white, fluorescent light – closed them again quickly. This caught me off guard, and I fell then. I could see the Alexander catching me, close to the ground, where he let me lay, holding me. “MEDIC! NOW!” I was surprised a bit, that I understood what he was saying. Again, it was like I hadn’t understood English all throughout this dream until someone touched me and spoke – like I had a direct link into their mind. I remember whispering something, in that beautiful language – perhaps he would understand the same way I did. I don’t remember what it was I said, just that it was fluid. I think I was pleading with him to take the pain away and to kill me. I remember saying “please” in that language, and him staring at me, confused. I was weakly grabbing his collar with bloodied fingers, whispering, over and over, my “please.” I felt new hands on me then, pick me up and carry me away, lying me on a stretcher. My right hand was by my head, elbow bent; I turned my head to look at him with glazed eyes. He had … reddish blond hair … and brown eyes. It was the first time I’d seen him … And judging by the look in his eyes, this was the first time he’d seen me, too. I feel a needle in my arm, and close my eyes tightly, screaming – you’d think with all those wires in me, a needle wouldn’t have bothered me as much … Those … were last night’s dreams … though … the one with the Alexander I have, in fact dreamt before. I don’t get it … why would I be dreaming this over again? I hope I’m not going to go through the whole thing … some very frightening things happened during that time … Eyes on Me by Faye Wong Whenever sang my songs On the stage, on my own Whenever said my words Wishing they would be heard I saw you smiling at me Was it real or just my fantasy You'd always be there in the corner Of this tiny little bar My last night here for you Same old songs, just once more My last night here with you? Maybe yes, maybe no I kind of liked it your way How you shyly placed your eyes on me Oh, did you ever know? That I had mine on you Darling, so there you are With that look on your face As if you're never hurt As if you're never down Shall I be the one for you Who pinches you softly but sure If frown is shown then I will know that you are no dreamer So let me come to you Close as I wanted to be Close enough for me To feel your heart beating fast And stay there as I whisper How I loved your peaceful eyes on me did you ever know That I had mine on you Darling, so share with me Your love if you have enough Your tears if you're holding back Or pain if that's what it is How can I let you know I'm more than the dress and the voice Just reach me out then You will know that you're not dreaming Darling, so there you are With that look on your face As if you're never hurt As if you're never down Shall I be the one for you Who pinches you softly but sure If frown is shown then I will know that you are no dreamer ... just a pretty song that takes me back ...