I know it's 68 degrees outside, but I'm fucking freezing here ... yeah, and I couldn't think of a good title either. I just woke up not half and hour ago. It's after one in the afternoon, but that means nothing - I'm still tired. I'll be going back to bed when I'm done with this entry. I'll either write out my dreams (if I can remember them) or the first part of Dictator then. I don't know. My eyes are all stinging and whatnot. I just e-mailed Lindsay. *smiles* I hadn't done that in a while, I don't think. I told her I would e-mail her, since she says she has this sort of OCD problem with checking her e-mail and there's nothing ever there ... so I e-mailed her. Of course, I had no idea what to talk about ... Well, I'm home alone today. David went out with friends to who knows where and then he has work tonight until 1 AM. *sigh* So I'm here all by myself, all fucking day long. What am I going to do? Probably go back to sleep. But do you know what he said to me before he left? "Why don't you go out and do something?" Okay ... how can he go from "no, you're not going out, you're too sick" and "you're not going anywhere by yourself" to "why don't you go out and do something?" That just doesn't work. I thought for a while that I would show him and not go out today - you know, go against what he wanted. But then I thought on it, and I mentioned to Lindsay - what if he actually wanted me to stay in today and he was just using reverse psychology on me because he knows that I would go against what he said and stay in? Well then! I think I just MIGHT go out today ... but then, what if that's what he intended in the first place? Just like he said, that he wanted me to go out and do something? Damn him! Damn him, damn him, DAMN HIM! Damn him to Hell. I can't win. I don't really feel like going out today, but I think I will. I mean, I just drank the last of the orange juice. I could go to the store or ... something. So, yeah. Paul called last night around 10 ... something. At least it wasn't one in the morning. Did I answer the phone? No. I hate answering the phone. The only time I pick it up is when David's busy or when I'm up and he's trying to sleep ... because ... I don't like him when he's just woke up like that ... he gets really cranky and ... well ... I'll save that for another time. So, anyway, I didn't answer the phone. I let the machine get it. I figure it's either David calling home to tell me something or someone calling for David. Nope. It was Paul. He wanted to talk to me. I forget what about, exactly. I deleted the message. One reason being that I just didn't want to deal with that at the time, and another reason being that I didn't want David to find out that I'd been talking to Paul. He'd have a cardiac or ... something. Probably lock me up with armed guards and whatnot to keep his little brother safe and ... blah. He's so fucking over-protective of me. He needs to learn that I'm an adult now. I'm not fifteen anymore ... though I might look it at times. Yeah, so I delete the message and I go about the apartment turning off lights and locking the doors to make him think that I'm not home. I even go back to my room and lock my window, close the blinds and pull the curtains to make it look like my room is dark from the outside ... couldn't take any chances, just in case he decided to do what he did last time. I still care about him, I do, but ... I'm a little scared and nervous and ... I just couldn't deal with it last night. I wasn't in the mood to deal with it. I could probably deal with it today, though ... I have a feeling he's going to stop by tonight because David's not going to be here so ... I'm going to prepare myself for that ... I feel ... lonely today, actually. I can feel the need in me to have someone hold me. I mean, a real someone to hold me. I want to kiss someone. I want to cuddle. I want to be rocked. I want someone to stroke my hair and hold me close ... Hopefully this feeling will pass if or before Paul contacts me today ... keep me from doing something stupid. I am such an idiot. I am such a fucking idiot. I'm going to go now ... take that nap I promised myself. Have you ever gotten up in the morning and the first thing you thought was "God, I need a nap today" ...? Yeah, it's one of those days. I'm going to ball myself up on the living room couch and sleep for a while. I like that couch ... More later. Blessed be.