I had a weird night. I don't want to talk about it. However, I have zillions of dreams to talk about (since I think I just kept waking up for some reason), and only a short amount of time to write them in since I have to go to the store, make dinner for myself, and still make it to class by 5:30 ... Why do Tuesdays and Thursdays have to be so difficult? At least I woke up in good spirits! *massive smile* First dream: I feel like a captive. I'm being led to a room, a big, white room - and I don't want to go there. But there's these hands that are REALLY tight around my upper arms and holding me in place, so I can't go anywhere. For some reason, my hair is a lot longer - it's past my shoulders. And I'm led into the room, and there's this huge machine there that they're going to hook me up to it - it's like that SEDA machine from my Dictator dreams. And I was determined NOT to, more than anything, be hooked up to that again. There's all of these people in the room, some are wearing what look like some kind of guard uniform, others are wearing white lab coats - and there's one guy with a clipboard, in a white labcoat, that has long, dark hair in a ponitail and glasses - tall, well-built ... he's twice my age, I can feel it. His face is very thin, and he has very prominent cheek bones - very angular. For some reason, I'm scared of him. Scared to death of him. And I just have to get away. So I duck down, swing my body around - everything feels so heavy - but I send the two people who were holding me FLYING. they flew into a few other people. And, I just went berserk and before I knew it, nearly everyone in the room was dead ... ... except for me and the guy with the ponitail. I hide behind the machine - and it's this HUGE machine, I can't be seen. Then the man clicks his tongue and says "Bad Larc. Bad, bad Larc" like I'm some kind of dog. "Look what you did." But I don't want to look, I just hid behind the computer. I know he wants me to sit in the machine, but I don't want to do it - more than anything, I just don't want to do it. And he keeps saying my name, trying to coax me out from behind the machine - and then I just grab the machine and start ripping it apart like it's nothing. Now he's yelling at me - and I pick up this huge, heavy machine like it's nothing and smash it. And I'm bleeding. I can feel it. Finally, the man grabs me, my left wrist, and twists me so my back is against his chest, and he's just holding me VERY tightly to him with that one arm that's holding my wrist. He's yelling at me - he's mad ... but I can tell, that the fact that I've been disobedient turns him on. His free hand grabs this syringe - and I'm trying to get away, but he sticks the needle in my arm, despite all of my struggling, injects whatever's in it into me, and then drops it to the floor and holds me in both arms. I keep trying to get away, but I start to get slower, weaker. I'm getting cold. Things are getting fuzzy, like I'm about to pass out. I wake up. Second Dream: The earliest thing I can remember is feeling shattered. I can feel that I am still in that cold, white padded room, but I have my eyes closed, because things are so bright. I have this intense headache, and everything’s so foggy. I feel so empty, so broken – like everything I’d ever had or loved had just been taken from me, ripped from me. And I feel hands on me, a man’s hands. I don’t know this man, but I don’t like him. I’m afraid of him, too. I know what he wants just by the way he’s holding me, touching me, inhaling my scent. It's the man with the ponitail, I know it is. He’s whispering into my ear, “You’re a naughty, naughty boy, aren’t you, Larc?” I want to tell him not to touch me, that I just want to be left alone, but I have no voice, no will to speak. He kisses my shoulder, and tells me what a naughty boy I’ve been, keeps whispering “bad boy, naughty boy” … and I realize that I have chains – no – handcuffs around my wrists. I can feel his hands – his hands make me feel sick, but I can feel them, moving under my shirt and over my chest – but not quite touching my chest because, apparently, I have bandages all over my torso and arms, still, I’m guessing from the arrows a few dreams back. I can feel that my shirt has fallen over my left shoulder. I can feel how he has his face buried into my back. I feel his hands go down into the waist of my pants … I don’t like that – he’s getting dangerously close to touching me where I REALLY don’t like to be touched. Every once in a while, I gasp, and my eyes open a little, but then close quickly because it’s so bright. I remember little fragments visually, his hand, his arm – dark clothing in such a white, light room. And I just … feel his hands, and I don’t want to be there, I really, really don’t want to be there. My mind starts screaming for someone to save me, to rescue me, to get me out of there … but nothing happens. Until my mind screams “PLEASE!” Then I hear a woman, very softly, it’s like it’s off in the distance and echoing – like I’m the only one who can hear it – she speaks “Jenavorsu.” And suddenly I feel as if I’m somewhere else. I feel the light is much dimmer now. I don’t feel the man’s hands anymore – no more support is given to me, so I feel as though I’m going to fall over. I brace myself with my hands; the balls of my palms are flat. I’m on a bed, and I’m facing the mattress, my head is down. I’m breathing hard, gasping for air, coughing from time to time. I hear the same woman’s voice as before – she’s right there now. I know who it is – it’s Niveus. And it makes me smile … because she’s lying there, next to me, and she’s speaking to me. I don’t remember what she’s saying, but I know she’s not well either … I don’t look to her, though, I just open my eyes and stare at the blanket. I’m smiling, though, because I’m just happy to be with her again. I know that she was the one who called me. For some reason, her speaking “Jenavorsu” called me to her. I smile a little more. (Jenavorsu, is the name of a song I wrote three years ago - that I heard in a dream once, and immediately sat down at the keyboard to play. It's a word that I made up, that goes in the place of feelings that can't be described. However you say it, your feelings are heard, even though it's a nonsense word that has no real meaning, whatever you're feeling can be heard when you speak the word. The melody, however, can be played the same way - you can play it in anyway and it can sound happy, excited, sad, angry, anxious, whatever. It was a fun little thing. I love it.) She wants me to come closer to her so I inch close to her and sit at her side. I don't want her to be ill, and even though I feel incredibly shy, I place my hands on her chest very lightly, and very very carefully trace my fingers to her stomach, and back again. I'm starting to feel better, too, but only just a little. She grabs my hands - she's very soft. Everything feels so soft. She takes off my handcuffs like it's magic and kisses my fingers. I feel warm, very warm, and safe and ... happy. I start to feel very happy as she tucks the cuffs under her pillow. She tugs lightly on my hands to pull me close, and I do get close to her, I straddle her legs very carefully, because I don't want to hurt her. And she strokes my hair and holds me to her. She tells me she has a plan - to have me pretend to be her pet, and obey everything she says - so I can be close to her, and we can fool everyone. I whisper "I can do that." And then we kiss. Everything is so very, very soft ... and slow ... so soft and slow and warm ... kisses are sweet and gentle, and careful. I pull her nightgown a bit from her shoulders, and kiss them, and she's removing my shirt, and just lets it fall to the bed. She kisses my arms, and my chest, and is carefully removing my bandages ... because I don't have any wounds anymore. I've completely healed. I crawl under the blankets with her, and our bodies intertwine, and I just kiss her, repeatedly, and she strokes my hair. I'm happy to be with her. Everything feels right, and warm - and I feel like I'm melting - like when you've been out in the cold for too long and then you come in to stand in front of a fire ... Things are starting to get bright, though, but I don't care, because I love being with her. I don't want to stop. I can't stop. I wake up. Third dream: (I wanted to go back to sleep so badly ...) I'm lying on my stomach - in the position that the picture at the end of this entry - on the bed, the same bed as before. I'm completely nude, but I'm under the covers. I feel warm and happy. I just ... feel so very, very, very happy. I'm smiling, though I'm pretending to be asleep. Sunlight is pouring into the room and everything just feels so ... perfect. Though, I do feel a little embarrassed - I move off of the bed, find my pants and slip them on, then immediately crawl back under the blankets again, in the same position as before, and watch Niveus out of the one I peeking over my arm. I'm smiling. I just feel so happy - I can't remember the last time I've felt this happy. I close my eyes, just basking in the moment. I open them every now and then, to look at her, because she is sleeping, just making sure she is still there. And that's all this dream is, it's just me, laying on my stomach, watching her with a smile and feeling so happy. I wake up. But I want to go back to sleep, I loved that dream so much. I was like I was really awake - like, know how sometimes you'll wake up and have every intent on getting up and going about your business - so then you dream about it - and then you wake up and you realize that you just dreamed all of that? That's what this felt like. I wanted to go back to sleep, though. Fourth Dream: I'm back to lying on my stomach again, same as before, but now, she's awake, and she's looking back at me. She's can't see my face, just my eye, but I'm smiling - because I'm just so happy. And now that she's awake, I finally prop myself up on my elbows and inch to her. She starts stroking my hair ... and she's speaking to me, so soft, I love the sound of her voice, but I don't remember what she was saying. I give her temple a little nuzzle, and then kiss it lightly. I take a lock of her own hair into my hands and lightly comb the tangles out with my fingers. I start to braid it, very carefully - I'm just so happy with her. I can tell she's feeling better, though, because she's smiling, too ... she's looking happy. I kiss her temple then rest my head on her shoulder. I wish I could hear her sing, because I love her voice so much, but she and I both know that it would hurt me ... but it's all right, I'm happy enough. I start playing with the sleeve of her nightgown. I close my eyes and nibble on it a little ... because, well, I like to chew on things - I'm like a baby that way. I can feel her laughing at me, though quiet it is ... And then someone comes into the room, sees me, then starts yelling something and runs out. I open my eyes, and get ready to run, but Niveus just holds me in place, stroking my hair, and tells me to remember the plan. Then she reaches under her pillow, takes out the handcuffs and puts them on me. I smile a little at her. She tells me not to worry, then she stares at me for a brief moment, and I whisper "Jenavorsu" then kiss her brow. I wake up. Last dream: I don't remember much of this one. I was fully clothed however, and I'm being led somewhere - but Niveus is there. I remember something about "playing pretend" and Frankenstein ... and how I was supposed to be the creature. And they put me on this table and strap me down. Niveus whispers to me that I am just going to pretend. Then they cover me with a sheet and I wake up. Very strange indeed. Enough dreams, I think. Must run off to do things before class. 5 DAYS! Blessed be.