I'd never actually listened to Jack Off Jill until today. Wanted to see what all the fuss is about. Eh, they're okay. It's hot here. Well, in my room, anyway. Good news from the doctor - I'm not dying and I'll be fine. Turns out that catch in my throat - since it was only temporary - may have been caused by a sneeze, and usually they go away after the person sneezes a couple more times. She told me to get into a routine, though, when it came to sleep, and not have such an irregular schedule. She also perscribed a lovely, STRONG sinus and cold medicine to ward off the awful under-the-weather feeling since she's realized that I tend to be more vulnerable to temperature change than the flu virus. Yeah, this will be a dream entry. My dreams were depressing last night. But first ... I think I remember who Evan is. Today, I went looking through some of my old notebooks from my freshman year of college. I found small stories in them - and one was FULL of ones based on dreams I'd had at the time. I'd completely forgotten about it - They are about a "gifted" young man being held captive and used (for his power) by a young Alexander; Alexander is a title in this story, like count or baron, but he was more like a dictator ... in fact, the stories are labeled "Dictator" which is short for "Dreams of the Dictator." I wasn't creative when I thought of the title, it didn't seem important at the time; I was just basing these stories on the dreams. But the Alexander guy - decribes Evan to a "t." See, the gifted man, whom I gave the name of Nathaniel to, used to live in this peaceful cottage in the forest until he leaves for town one day, displays his powers, and someone sees him. They tell this faction - which is the enemy - of his "giftedness" and those people kindnap him with every intention of using him for their own side. Unfortunately, in this world, there is this one GREAT big bad guy, and then a bunch of enemies of this bad guy - but all of the enemy groups are even against EACH OTHER; so it's every group for himself once the big bad guy is brought down, and even when he's still around. The group that kidnaps Nathaniel keeps him sedated and hooked up to this machine, with these tiny tubes hooked into his neck, arms, chest attached to this machine and ... Well, that group gets attacked by the Alexander's group, and thus the sedated Nathaniel is stuck in the middle of this all. The Alexander takes him and eventually Nathaniel is just used for that group instead. The relationship between the two of them blossoms into a complicated friendship, but then eventually they do fall in love ... somehow. Love is a strange thing. I haven't found all of the stories yet. I guess I could post them in my journal, in their original parts ... look for them under the title of "Dictator." I remember now that this is where my character-development inspiration for Sydney Star came from (one of the antagonists in my novel series) and Nathaniel reminds me a lot of Vincent (one of the protagonists; there's a lot of characters). Anyway ... on to dreams. They were depressing, as I've said. Two dreams are all I will speak of, since they are all I remember. First dream: I'm alone, but I'm around so many people. I'm alone because Evan isn't there. I can't find him. I'm in that boarding school/mansion still, with people I don't know, people I feel like I don't fit in with and people I'm sure don't like me very much or aren't used to me or ... something; I think they don't want me there or think I don't really belong with them. I believe that I don't. I just want to get out of there, but I'm lost without Evan. I feel so completely alone and helpless without him. I can't even begin to describe what I was feeling, it was so horrible. I'm running all over this building, trying to find him, and I'm afraid - afraid that he's gone, that he's run off to do something stupid and that I'll never see him again. I want to leave so that I can look for him, but I can't - the people won't let me near the outside doors. I know they don't really want me there, but they've forbidden me to leave. And I'm so afraid and empty, alone ... in a strange place with strange people ... I run down endless corridors, turning corner after corner - and then I stop. I start to cry. And, dear GOD it HURTS. I feel drawn somewhere, so I start toward it. I go down endless corridors again, corner after corner - I'm amidst these rooms, dorm rooms - nice dorm rooms; actually, they kind of remind me of old hospital rooms ... those nice, old British hospitals in movies and whatnot - but for single and double people. I stop outside this one door, making sure no one is around, and I go inside. The lights are off, but the room is lit well enough by the cloudy afternoon sky outside the window. And there's Evan, on the bed - asleep ... or in a coma ... or something - but he looks so pale. I go to him, stand at his bedside for a while, just staring at him, crying quietly, holding it in because I don't want anyone to hear me. Color is low in this dream by this point; everything has a grey tint again. I climb onto the bed next to him - and I just sit and watch him for a while, crying a bit more until I lay at his side. I tuck myself under his left arm and curl up at his side, laying my head on his chest - and I just hold him and cry ... because I'm thinking in the dream that he usually wakes up by then, stirs, something - but he usually acknowledges in some way - conscious or asleep - that I'm there. But in this dream ... he did nothing. And he felt cold to the touch. Then, a woman dressed in dark red scrubs comes into the room and starts yelling at me, wanting to know how I got in there, why I'm there - yelling at me to get out - but I don't want to move. I can't move; depression anchors me there with him. Eventually, I'm taken from him and forced into the hall, down the hall ... I take off; I start to run, run forever ... until I come to a dimly-lit room and I lock myself within it. I'm alone in this room - no one would look for me there, no one would be coming by there ... I collapse on the floor and just start to bawl; empty, lonely, out of place. I realize what room I'm in - that aquarium room. My fish was never put in with the others; it was never even given a chance. The lady, knowing what fish I had and it's temperment, didn't even bother and just put it in a glass bowl on a shelf, separated from the others, alone ... not even given a chance to fit in. I wake up. I cry ... for about two hours. This dream was just ... it was sad, so very sad - and it struck a nerve. Feelings I feel in real life, with the fish - what happening to the fish was what was happening to me in the dream ... and Evan. I don't even remember hearing a heart beat, or his chest moving from breathing ... I just cried. And I couldn't stop. I couldn't even cry myself to sleep. I don't really think anyone can. A person has to stop crying before he/she can sleep. Second Dream: There was a lot of talking in this dream - more talking than action. I'm sitting outside, in the grass, about ten feet from the edge of this cliff - a cliff that is by the ocean. I'm facing the Southeast, I know I am - I just know. I'm just watching the water, the horizon. It's windy; the sun is to my right and behind me a bit, behind the trees. Then suddenly, I realize that Evan is behind me, and I jump up, run to him and throw my arms around him. I tell him how much I've missed him; he holds me for a long while as we talk - I don't remember what was said, but I think it was about what he did - what I did after I found him or something - I think I did something to wake him up. Then he started saying things ... things that still hurt me to the core. He told me that I had to learn to be on my own. He told me I had to learn how to take care of myself. He told me that I needed to learn how to be independent. Told me that I couldn't rely on him to take care of me anymore, that he won't always be there. He told me that we couldn't go on like that, that he had to leave, so that I could learn how to be independent. And, oh, the sinking, breaking, shattering feeling of my heart - painful, indescribable. I felt empty then. Broken. I really can't ... describe this. Heartbroken is the only word I can think of that even comes close. Color is gone. Everything is grey. The sky, suddenly turns black - and I'm not talking dark grey, I'm talking the CLOUDS are BLACK - like ink, laced with lightning and thunder. And suddenly, Evan's afraid, he's regretting what he's doing. He sees the tears in my eyes; he's crying himself. I tell him not to leave me. I please with him. I tell him that if he leaves me, I'll be alone - that I'll become a cold, heartless, empty being like -him- ... Only I said -his- name ... Though now that I am awake, I don't remember what it is. I don't remmeber things word for word either, just what was said. I cling to Evan, I tell him that I need him. I tell him that I can learn to be independent, but that doesn't mean I don't still need someone. Everyone needs someone. I'm scared - I'm so scared to be without him. I'm too scared to be by myself. ... I tell him I love him. He stares at me, and it's like he can't believe that I said that aloud - like he knew how I felt, but had never actually said it to him. He tells me he loves me, too. He nuzzles me ... and I know that he's decided to stay, though he doesn't say it. He holds me for a long while. And I love him. And he loves me ... and the sky starts to lighten, though clouds remain. Then a woman in a peach/pink dress with brown, curly hair comes running up to us as he kisses my brow ... And I wake up. And that's it. Depressing dreams. I broke down and actually watched a soap opera today. Port Charles. About ... vampires and angels? I don't know. Apparently there's this vampire who's in love with this angel/slayer chick named Lucy (great name, Writers, really *note sarcasm*) and the vampire guy doesn't want to hurt her, almost kills the chick because he has the hunger and all ... and as he's leaving, he says something that's really touching: "It's strange, I promised that I would always protect you, but the only way I can think of to do that, is to leave you." Sad. Almost brought tears to my eyes ... Just thought I'd share. (*adds for Lindsay* THANKS FOR SHARING.) Blessed be.