Today, I woke up because the phone rang. They didn't leave a message, but then, I didn't get out of bed to answer, so I guess it was a fault on both counts. And I just lie there in my bed, staring at the wall ... wondering. What am I doing here? What purpose do I serve by existing? I know I am here for a reason. God, do I know I'm here for a reason. A big reason ... But what is it? I've racked my brain so many times to find out why exactly I'm here, trying to figure out what my reason for being is. I know that I am destined to do great things ... but what are they? What am I supposed to do? I want to be a teacher. And I know that job requires much responsibility. And it is underpaid for what it entitles, but it is a self-rewarding job. And much is required to do it, and that you are faced with molding and shaping the young minds of America - the future doctors, lawyers, presidents, firefighters of the world will be in my classroom. And I will be teaching them about the world and everything in it. I will be a model for them, someone they look up to, someone they trust. I will be faced with the emotional and psychological well-being of these children, and in many cases, I'm sure I'll be responsible for their all-around well-being as well. I officially start teaching in a year and a half. I'm not ready yet. I love the children, and I want what is best for them. I believe that every child has the ability within themselves to learn ... But I'm scared. I'm not ready for this kind of responsibility yet. And aside from that, I feel as though there's something else ... something even bigger (if that was possible) that I have to do with my life along with teach. I'm scared. Terrified. How can I go from being dependent little Seth, to being a father to every child who comes in my classroom? I'm frightened. And my entire body jerked as I was lying there. I gasped - and it was like I had no control over my body, myself, because I was suddenly on my back, and my arms were bent up, like someone was holding me down ... but no one was there. I even tried calling out, but I had no air. And just as quickly as it had started, it stopped. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? I'm scared ... someone please help me. ... I'll write about my dreams now. First Dream: Still in the cabin. I feel safe there. I still look scary - deadish pale. I'm wearing these ... black pants and a bugundy sweater - I don't know why. But they smell like spices - sweet spices, like tea or something. I know I shouldn't be up, because I'm ill, still - and I feel very, very tired ... but I keep walking to my bedroom door, wanting to get out, but then just turning back and ... pacing until I go to the door again ... and repeat this process - until I'm finally sure that I want to leave the room and open the door ... there's someone I want to see. Someone I have to see - because ... -she- is still there, Niveus is still there, in Eiji's old room, and someone is with her. And I'm worried about her, I want to be in there with her, so she won't be afraid - because she doesn't have anything to be afraid of, because the person that's in there is going to help her - because she's sick, too ... But the second I reach out to open my door, Evan comes in and I jump back to keep from getting hit, and push myself against the wall, hiding behind the door - so he can't see me. I'm thinking that maybe I can sneak past him when he walks a little further in the room, and make a run for it before he catches me. He doesn't see me, so of course his first reaction is to say my name ... but he doesn't say "Seth" ... he says "Larc" ... anf then he says "Kolibri" as he steps into the room to look for me. And by him saying "Kolibri" it makes me go lucid - just like every time someone says "Kolibri" in my dreams, it just ... makes me lucid. I remember being scared that Sonata was taking him over ... So I make a run for it, pushing the door out of the way and trying to run out of it, but he catches me, screams something, throws me onto the bed, kicks the door shut and locks it. I try to sit up. He's mad at me for hiding like that and trying to get out when he specifically told me not to. Says "she'll kill you." I try to yell back at him, but it only comes out as a cry - I tell him that I'm getting better. I tell him she needs me. Then I tell him that I want Evan back. All of Evan, no Sonata at all. All of Evan. And this is the second time I've told him this. And then ... it was like Sonata was talking to me - it didn't sound like Evan at all - but he just looms over me, saying something. Then he leans on top of me and pins me to the bed, and says something about him promising to go once we ... yeah ... had sex, or something along that line. And just shouted, very angrily and frustrated, "FINE!" and kissed him. And that's all I remember of that dream. Second Dream: Evan's lying on his side in my bed, his back to me, and I'm tugging on his collar - only it's not his collar, I'm pulling out this black smoke-looking thing. He's unconscious, so I just heave until I throw this thing across the room, and roll off the bed, falling on the floor in the process. Then I push myself up to where I'm sitting on the corner of the mattress, and I just stare at Sonata as he's now standing in front of me ... separate from Evan. Finally. I start telling him, how he would never understand the love I felt for Evan ... never. That the love I feel isn't about sex or power - that I wasn't really sure what it was, but that it was there, and it was unconditional ... and that I didn't LOVE Sonata ... not like that. And that he would have to accept that. I tell him I don't need Evan to protect me, that I don't need him to fight or anything like that ... That I just want him to be here, for me, when I need him. Then I tell Sonata that if he really wants to serve me, then he'll do something for me. And I don't let Sonata say a word, I just reach into one of the wooden/glass cases under the lamps and remove a candle bulb and hold it out to him. I tell him to take it to Eiji. Then I say something like, "After that, I want you to take care of ... that man. You know that one I'm talking about. Make sure he stays away from us. Kill him if you have to. When you're done with that, I want you to go to -him-" only I said -his- name, but I can't fucking REMEMBER it, "and I want you to take care of him. Can you do that for me?" And he just stares down at me for a moment, then says "yes" - then he throws his arms around me and kisses my cheek, whispers "thank you" ... then just ... dissolves into this ... dark black smoke and sort of ... floats out the window, and he's ... gone. Just like that. And I turn to look at sleeping Evan, shimmy up the bed and pull him onto his back, straddling him. He has reddish-blond hair again ... and that makes me smile ... that's how it's supposed to be. I feel like things are starting to go the way they are supposed to ... I feel like things are going to be all right. I sit on his legs, lean forward quite a bit, then start to stroke his hair. And he wakes up, just like that - and his eyes are brown again. Amber. And I just stare into them, for so long, thinking over and over again "I love you, I love you. I wish I could tell you." And he takes my hands in his and just whispers "say it." And I do, I whisper back, "I love you." And he says, "I love you, too" then pulls my face to his and kisses me. And he just ... holds me close like that for a while, and I rest my forehead on his shoulder as he just ... holds me - which is all I want. And then I whisper, "Are you real?" And he says "I am here." Me: "Are you mad at me?" Him: "No." Me: "Were you mad at me?" Him: "Yes. Quite a bit." Me: "I'm sorry." Him: "It's okay." Me: "Can I see her now?" Him: "Not yet. She'll be all right. Don't worry. She's in good hands." Then he pauses and looks at me and says while rubbing my back, "You're wearing color." And I raise my head to look at him, because I'm confused as to why he would make such an unexpected but obvious observation. Then he outright says, "You rarely ever wear color. You'd think with a name like "the arc from heaven" or "rainbow" that you would wear a little more color." And I just ... kiss him. Maybe I did it to make him shut up, maybe I did it because I was happy to have him back. I don't know ... but that's all I remember of that dream. And that's that ... I'm really too tired to type out any more dreams. They were just bits and pieces anyway ... I'm going to the store in a bit, so I best make myself look presentable for the public. Take care. Later days. Blessed be. P.S. Oh yeah ... happy 4th and whatnot.