i am pissed at all men! you know why, beacuse they are asses, and you can all thank andrew for helping me make this choice! Before we start this entry off, i would like everyone to know that i DON'T Like andrew!!!!!!!! I have no feelings for him wat so ever! he is a friend and nothing more Ok well why do i think all men are asses, becuse when you become friends with them, you are not actual friends with them. You seem to be a burden! All i did was invite a friend over to listen to some music, and he avoids the question, then i ask again, avoids it again!!! It is not like he is going to be alone with me either, i have my brother, who also wants his so called friend to come over. So it is two people he was an ass to. My brother, and I. All we did was ask him if he wanted to come over, and when i confronted him about he he said i forgot to ask, or like he did after school, run away. I mean if he didn't want to come over he could have just said no, but nooooo! he runs off when some one starts to talk to me!!! Then amanda told me, that he thinks i am inviting him on a date or somthing. Like come on! if i wanted to go on a date with him i would actually ask him on a date, but i don't! plus, if i liked which i DON'T! why would i invite him over to hang with me and my brother, why would i invite someone i liked to my house at all! Plus, if andrew thinks that i like him, well fine for him, he has to know that i don't. If he is so HIGH on himself that he thinks that no girl can ever be his friend then i just say, good bye! i don't need a friend that desn't even treat me like a friend. So then i got to thinking, am i even his friend? because he seems to be too scared to come over to my house, scared enought to resort to running away! You think a friend would either tell no, or yes, a simple answer. I am really pissed off about this, because not only did he run away from me but he ran away from my brother, which is his friend. My brother wanted him to come over to jam and listen to music as well. He ran away from another friend, or at least i think that he thinks of us as friends. I wonder if he does this with other people. Then my brother mentioned this, that he might like me, but then i quickly corrected him by telling that, that was not it. I know who andrew likes, i wonder if he lied about that too. That was another time that i question our friendship, but i realize now that that was stupid, and this is not. I don't think that i lost a friend, i think i just realized that i had no friend. I don't really see a friend in andrew at all, for him to treat me and my brother like that is to be an ass. Even if andrew looks at me as a friend, i don't think i feel the same way anymore, i don't think a friend would run away from me, and my brother like that and make up excuses. You know what, the only other person who ran away from me was my mother, yes my famous mother. She ran away from me and my brother like that for years and years and has actually done it in real life. I can really understand if andrew didn't want to come over, and i could take a no answer, but to lie to me like that down right pisses me off, i really fucking hate that shit. The shit that fake ass losers give me when they don't tell me the truth. Yes i am fucking pissed off at andrew. and i don't care if he fucking ever talks to me again. to be treated like a piece of shit is fucking pissing me off, everyone does it, with out thinking about either, and without remorse. My fucking mother, my fucking grondmother, and now my fucking friend! I wonder, am i just fun to everyone, to my face you all play nice, and say your my friend and you treat me that way, but behind my back, what are you like. Do you laugh at me becuse i am too stupid to see that you are leading my into a sick fucking joke, or do you make fun of my size and shape? do you enjoy making me hurt like this, pushing me to the edge, close enough that i fell like falling, just to end the fear? Is this all a game to see how far you can push me before you push me off the edge? do you want me to fall, do you want me to lash out and fight back? or do you just like laughing at how weak i can get when you laugh to hard. Keep on laughing, i really dare you, take your jokes and take your lies and shove them up your ass, because i am done with friends, i am done with hate, and lies. I don't need any of this shit in my life. I am not going to satisfy your lame game by killing myself, i am going to show you that i am strong, and i can deal with the laughing and the lies. I will live on to remind you that most people don't put up with the shit that you dish out. I don't expect you to say sorry, or to even talk to me. I don't expect you to stop laughing, and i certainly don't expect you to grow up. I may be strong enough to show no pain, when you show no mercy, but will the next person? I am happy i got all of that out of my head, i can now rest, and begin with new friends, people who don't lie, and people who don't laugh. Thank you for those who read and understood, this was actually a hard thing to say. I wish i didn't have to leave my friend, i wish i could have many friends, but it doesn't work like that for some one like me. ----- EDIT!! ------ think i am quite calm now, well at least a little better, i still feel like shit, i found out why he didn't want to come over.. I asked why he he lied to me. and he said that is was just because he doesn't like to go to peoples houses, that they come over to his. That would be a good answer when i asked in the first place, i told him not to lie next time, if there even was a next time. Well i don't really know if that is the right answer, i am hoping it is, i really don't want anymore lies, they make me sick, and i am too sick. I have had to many lies in my life. No more... well i am still felling a little crapy.. i dunno wat it is but i feel like crap. O well You kno what i did the other day? you would never believe me! lol i took on a 10 year old! lol i didn't like hurt the kid, i think i more scared him. Well it all starts we were walking home and these 2 little brats walk by and say hi gay people! and i am like fuck you, and give them the finger. Then i throw my chocolate shake on the ground right near them a walk away. But then one of the little brats was alit hey pick that up, i said fuck you again. But he kept saying it, and mouthing off to me. I turned around droped my bag and went up to the little kid, of course i towered over him, and said, do we have a problem here, he said no al looked away. Then i started to walk away and his friend starts to mouth off at me, i walk right up to him and do the same thing, i notice that he has a earing, not one but 2! sao i am all like dude thats gay! and walked away, then he picked up the shake and threw it at me. i tunred around and pushed to the pole and said don't mess with me kid. I didn't hurt him, he started to cry but it was because he was scared. I walked away. no one stoped me, they all knew the kid had it coming. I mean if i had been a bad kid from eastdale, which we were right by, i would have knocked that kid out. If he had of said that to the wrong people, he could be in more pain then i gave him, which was none. I think i opened that kids eyes and showd him that he can't mouth off and attack kids bigger than him. My brother agreed and i think if that kid told him mom that she would have said that he brought it on himself. :p i kno mean me but the kid had it coming! well i think i will do somthing nice now.. i dunno what but you better watchout! lol i am bored so i think i will go entertain my self later days! ----- EDIT!! ------ This is getting worse as we go on. I still feel sick with hate and anger. Although he has pleaded forgiveness, i don't think that i can give it to him as esay as before. The pain inside me seems to be just eating away. I feel like i am dieing from a friends lie. he has read this, i i don't know if he really feels it the way i do. I really don't like to hate people like this, but it isn't just somthing i can push aside and forget about. I need to get it out, i need them to know that i feel pain, i am not just a little obscene doll that people can play with. Andrew needs to learn to stop hurting people. as much as it hurts to think that i am the only one, i hope it is true, i hope no one else had to feel what i had to feel. I really wish it doesn't happen to anyone ever again. This really wouldn't bother me if andrew wasn't a friend. It would bugg me if i barly spoke to him. But the thing is, he was the few friends that i had, i trusted him, and i believed that no friend of mine could lie to me. I really hate the feeling, i hate the idea that i lost a friend, i hate it all. i wish i could wake up and it all be a dream and none of this happened. this is really hard for me to say, because i am strong and don't like to show weakness, i think if i was writing on paper, that it might be a little wet. I feel like i am on the brink of crying. i don't know why, worse has happened and i stood strong. maybe it is a sign that i am growing up......but how should i kno i really need to stop writing now... good night and goodbye