Something has been bothering me for a few weeks now. Today I was thinking, last night I was thinking, I have been thinking about it all the time and now I can’t deal with it anymore. I just want to let it all go, and break down. I am upset, sad and depressed, and most people can see it on my face. I keep it all in, and I try not to cry. It gets hard each day. I have turned into a fragile glass statue and when I am handled roughly I break. I used to be so strong, but this thing has weakened me. I think about it, and other things happen that put my mind in one direction, a direction that I don’t want it to go. I want to fall into a drug induced coma and forget this world, forget the things that make me hurt. I pretend to be ok, but I’m really not. Thing have been passing through my mind and I can’t think about anything else. It hurts to think about it. It hurts to know the truth. But I can’t help it; I want to stay on that thought, because there is some hope right? It isn’t the end of my life. I don’t think I have told many people why I read so much. But this really isn’t a private entry for myself, this is something to tell the people that read this that care for me (though few it may be) that I am not doing so well, and when I am not happy, and peppy as usual it’s because I am sad. But anyways back to my point, the reason why I read so much is because I want to leave. I want to leave this world that they call reality and spend some time with some other people for a change. I do it so I can get away and dream, and not think about things. I do it because the lives in books seem so much better than mine, and if you notice, in all the books I read, they all have a hint of romance to them. I day dream when I don’t read. I dream about things that will change, I dream about how to make my life better. I dream about what it would be like if…. That’s why I read. It’s a thing I do just to get away because I hate to face reality. Some of you know why my problems are, each one of my closest friends know something about me. I need to talk to people sometimes. I have told people who I cherish a lot of things. I love all my friends, you know in that friendly sort of love. I would never know what to do if you weren’t there. You can be fun, and you can be serious. I feel like I am loosing myself, I am changing into someone who cares, cares about her feelings, and wants to cry. Who is this person I am turning into, and what made it happen. I have been listening to Kane’s CD. I love it, I love the lyrics to the songs. It makes me feel better and worse at the same time. Music is always connected to my emotions, and now they are a little sad….. There’s a hole in my soul, Yeah, I should have known better, ‘Cause your loves like a thorn with out a rose. Thats from an Aerosmith song, I don't know, I just felt like adding that in. I feel a little bit random. Well there is another long entry, i wonder who took the time to read it, to really understand it..... O and if you want to see the song I wrote and read at the Espresso Legato. Go to the entry called just. All I want is someone to hold Someone to comfort me when I cry To see the tears and care And remind me that I will be ok Just someone to say I love you And mean it for once Just to be loved And to be held -me [edit] Why does he have to do this to me? Why must he cause me pain? I depend on him, and he gave me my life. It seems that he wants to take it away now. All I can do is be a failure. No matter what I do, he seems to think i have a problem with everything. when i walk by him and ot say anything there is something wrong with me. When i try to talk to a drunk and i can't handle my anger, i've done somthing wrong. When i want to go out and spend time with a friend, I've done somthing wrong. When i am upset because i can smell the booze on your breath from two feet away, I've done something wrong. So i just stay in my room, and not talk to anyone. I try not cry. This is a perfect ending to a perfect day. Another poem... Here’s to you Daddy Go on Daddy, Have another You’re not hurting us with your painful lies We’ve become numb to the sting of your blade Go on Daddy Have another It’s not our liver you pollute Our tears have turned to acid So we cry no more Go on Daddy Have another Destroy our lives Take us down with you Leave us to fend for ourselves Go on Daddy Have another So when you look into the eyes of your daughter You don’t see the shame anymore Just drink it all way You life Our lives We depend on you And you let us down So go on Daddy have another Here’s to you and all the broken promises I'm fucked up because of you....