Well for those of you who didn’t realize that, that last little poem thing was about my mother, well you know now. It’s just that she called me. After 4 months of ignoring me, she calls. But I was out, and my grandmother answered the phone. I was thankful she didn’t tell me when I got home. It would have ruined the great day I had with John, my mother called on our 4 month anniversary. So I wake up the next morning, to have my grandmother come in my room and tell me that my mother called, and that I can call her back tonight. So all through out the day I have to make the decision to call her or not. That was hard for me. I went through a lot. I thought about a lot, and I cried about the things I thought about. I don’t often cry that much. But I cried for an hour straight trying to decide what to do. Then my dad calls. Not only does he call and talk to me about what I should do, he calls to get her number and call her and bitch at her. And on the plus side he had already been drinking. So I was really upset. My dad drinking, my mother phoning, and all the other things that were going through my mind. I tried desperately to get John on the phone. But he wasn’t at home, he was busy. And I sat alone in my room crying for hours. So after a while, I was finding out things that my mother said to my grandmother on the phone, but she wouldn’t tell me the whole conversation. I got really angry and demanded to know the whole conversation, but she couldn’t remember. Finally I decided to call, and when I do that, her dumb ass boyfriend answers the phone. I almost hang up right away, or start yelling. But I asked if Sarah was there, Sarah would be my mother’s name, and he said she would call back in 5 minutes, and asked who it was, I just said “it’s her daughter”. So half an hour later, I didn’t get a phone call. I tried again, and again her boyfriend answered the phone. So I get to talk to her, but its not really talking to her. She’s not interested at all in talking to me. She asks what’s new, and I just told her that I finished school, John and I are still together and that’s about it I guess. I had no clue what she remembered about the last time we talked. Then we didn’t really talk, she talked more to her boyfriend while they were playing Monopoly then she did with me on the phone. So there was a silence and she said, that she was going to let me go, cause I’m not talking. I almost yelled at her, I almost said “what the hell do you expect, how the hell am I supposed to know what to say to a woman who hasn’t bothered with me for 4 months.” But I didn’t, and I asked, so what happened? And she told me that she was “sick” and that she’s “getting better” but I know she was addicted to drugs. Then after that, she hung up, and the phone conversation was over. I cried again for about half an hour. Then I tried to call John, but didn’t get through to him. So I had to wait for him to call me. After that I talked to him for a while. And then I went to sleep. After that I was fine. Lately I’ve been thinking. Last night my dad and brother came home at around 1am and woke me up just by being loud. So I got up, and ate some of the pizza they brought. And then my grandmother and father talked about my mother. I was sitting right there, so I could hear them. Then they started talking about how my mother tried to kill herself. And then my brother joined in. And that’s how I found out my mother tried committing suicide. She couldn’t even tell her daughter herself. I hate how I found out, and how I was the last to find out. I hate my mother. She ruins everything. I was happy without her; of course I had my moments where I wanted a mother, not her, a real mother. And then I would think about how she was never really a mother, but I still loved her, and how she just left one day. Then later on, when my dad and grandmother went to sleep, I talked to my brother about some stuff. And he told me that Jenn and my dad had a huge fight about my mother calling. So that hurt me a lot. Jenn is the only thing I have close to a mother, and I care about her a lot. And when something happens between her and my father, it affects me as well. I’m just sick of getting hurt by everyone. I’m scared to let people in now because I think everyone is just going to hurt me. Half of me wants to be alone for ever, and the other half just wants to be with one person. I don’t know how I would be if I didn’t have John right now. I’m just real messed up and confused about everything. The irony of it all, my mother cut her wrists. She has two tattoos on her wrists, of some Chinese letters. And they mean Strong and Courage or something like that. And she cut them. Some how I feel responsible. I know I’m not. But I feel like I ruined her life, and that I shouldn’t be living. That I some how gave her the idea. When ever that woman is around, or hearing from her or about her, I feel like I shouldn’t be alive. That I was a mistake to everyone’s life. And that I’m not worth it anymore. Lets do the tally, I have a father addicted to alcohol, a mother addicted to drugs. Both who have hurt me through the sixteen years of my life. And all I want is out. I want to get away from this life. And forget about everything that hurt me. I wish someone could just save me already.