C is for crazy. I feel like I am going crazy today, I am in a wonderful mood. I am joking around with my friends and everything, its great! Right now I am sitting in a class I really don’t like, so I am going to write some shit. I feel today, I am not numb, I am not upset, but I feel happy, and joyful and full of life. There is something I don’t have to worry about. And the loneliness that replaced it isn’t something to worry about, right now anyways. I can enjoy life, not worrying about the shit I used to. I am not what you call happy to be single, but it’s a relief. I still have other of other things on my mind. A lot has been happening in my head, it’s a constant battle with what is right and what is easy. I want to just forget my mother; I want her not to call me anymore. I wouldn’t care so much if she called me everyday, or once a week or something, not once a month and only when she either feels like she needs something, or is feeling sorry for herself. Sometimes I think that she is only calling because he therapist tells her too, or my grandparents tell her too. My mother is fuck up and really I can’t love someone who has lied to me all my life, and has dismissed me since I was born, she never wanted me, and she never will. If it wasn’t for my father, I would be dead, because my mother would have had an abortion. You think for one moment to realize that your mother never wanted you, that she was thinking about abortion, and then thinking of putting me up for adoption. I feel really loved sometimes. That’s why I am so sensitive to abandonment and betrayal. Its just who I am, you would be too if you were me. I think I handle things very well. I missed my mother, but by the end of the summer, (she left in the end of June) I was fine. I had serious insomnia, but there were so many other things that attributed to that. I still get insomnia sometimes, but I don’t sleep much in the first place. But I really don’t like talking about my mom so much. I am starting to read my horoscope a lot more, I don’t know why, I don’t really believe in them, but sometimes they are true, and my sign says a lot about me. The Inner You: Your Real Motivation At heart you are modest and humble, and you rarely strive to be in the limelight or in a position of power. You have a sharp analytical mind, a keen eye for detail, and you prefer to observe, dissect, and study life from a distance. Conscientious and conservative, you can be relied upon to be careful, efficient, and thorough in your work and you take pride in doing a job well. What you may lack in self-confidence you often make up for in skill - developing expertise, technical knowledge, and competency in some specialized area. You are adept at using your hands to create or fix things, and meticulous attention to detail and careful craftsmanship are your forte. Some would say you are a little TOO meticulous, for you can be extremely critical and petty if everything is not done exactly as you think it should be, and you worry about things that other people consider trivial and unimportant. You like to organize, categorize, and arrange everything into a logical system, and you are often distinctly uncomfortable when something does not fit into a neat category. Disorganization vexes you. You probably wish that you were not such a perfectionist, for besides being a stickler for details, you can be mercilessly self-critical as well. Whether in your environment or in yourself, you tend to focus on the flaws, with a desire to improve, refine, and perfect. You are strictly factual, truthful, and scrupulously honest in your self-estimation, and you often do not give yourself enough praise or credit Except the perfectionist stuff, that is pretty much me. My horoscope for today is: Initiate any change you feel is necessary in your personal life. You've been putting off the inevitable for too long. Problems while traveling or when dealing with authority figures can be expected. There has been some things that I have been thinking about changing, like my hair colour. And everyone knows I am having problems with authority figures –coughmrsharlofcough- I am a “flight risk”, although there is nothing that will make me a flight risk anymore. I don’t know why I care about my horoscope, it’s just something for me to do I guess. I really don’t have much to write right now, maybe I will write more when I get home. Because I know I will have nothing to do otherwise. Edit Well I have had a fabulous day today. Other than the fact that I had to go to school I am doing great. Of course some of my classes are very boring, but generally I have very good friends. They always make me feel better, no matter what. They are a piece of me, without them I wouldn’t be whole. So of course I forgive each and every one of you, and in some strange way I understand what you were going through. But none of that matters anymore, I have moved on, the past is the past. Its all good times ahead. I am going to have a New Years Eve party, who is going to come? I can’t wait really, I love parties, I want to have one every weekend, but I just can’t because I am too poor lol if I was rich I would. I was happy today; I think everyone could tell, I seem to go crazy when I am happy. Cavells book was fun to read. But I think the kid should have gotten snow mittens as well as snow everything else. Still an awesome story, especially when the kid started to swear at the end. My binder ended up beating Randy, Jordan, and John(aka joke :P) Its really a long story but I am making these equations with peoples names. Randy – y + om = Random Linds – nds + me = Lime Dave – ve + mn = Damn John – hn + ke = Joke Colton – lton + ol = cool Frodo – odo + ightening = frightening I will come up with more later, its actually quite fun. Right now I am just sitting here listening to some music chilling out doing nothing. I did get some good news today, which made me happy, but it’s also kind of bitter sweet news. And I have decided to write another song on Matt and Meaghan, about what happened in photography. Married? It was written in the stars, I think somewhere near mars. These lovers who both, each other fancied, Were soon fated to be married! He was the parent’s favourite, They thought he was better than chocolate. Secretly they were planning the wedding, A dress was what Meaghan was getting. Everyday was a reminder, Seeing constant wedding things in her binder. In everything she looked at, Everyone and everything wanted her to marry Matt! -------------------------------- Ok it’s a long story, but its got to do with what happened in photography and all the magazines. I really have nothing else to say, and my computer is being a jerk! W00t I am so bored!