Well I am just going to post a convo I had with a friend today, it pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I said that i needed her help that i thought i was going crazy because the dream keeps haunting me and i feel alone and then she asked me about the dream and this is what we talked about. ME : well to continue, my dream was that i was on this couch with a guy right, i don't know who he was, just some random guy, and well i put my feet up and they were on his lap and he just looked at me, then i said that i was comfortable and that i wasn't moving. so then he starts to tickle me and he pulls me right in close to tickle me and then we kiss right, just a little kiss, then we go back to watching what ever we were watching but this time i am in his arms and we are lying together on the couch. It was just so real, the feeling of being in someone you loved arms, just cuddling there. When i woke up i was really sad because in real life i had never known that feeling and the dream has been kinda haunting me. The feeling comes back sometimes when i am there with my eyes closed..... it is just getting to me that i have never felt that with someone that i loved it is making me depressed to be alone, like not without anyone around me, but alone, no one really loves me in that way FRIEND i can relate with you here. ME : ya but you have felt it before, you have had realationships where as i have had none. and even so you have people that want you, people that love you FRIEND no it's not the same. god, relationships are so fickle. i swear, sometimes i think i have something wrong with me but i just don't feel love. i've never been with someone long enough for that to develope. but another thing is the fact that, hey, i'm just turning 16, i don't really need love right now. i might have impulses where i want physical attention but they pass. ME : i have nothing, and i am scared to let myself have a crush on someone or something, i am so afraid to be let down again, i want someone but there is no one really likes me in that way. i have never been in a little realationship, i have never had someone i can miss, someone i can hold on to. I am really afraid for myself, I didn't choose to be this way, but it seems to be my curse. and i can't help it anymore. I just want someone, but there is no one, that is what i am really depressed about. FRIEND yeah, i can understand and relate. what else am i supposed to say? ME : i don't really expect you to say anything really, i just need someone really, i want help but i am always scared to ask, because i always feel that people never want to hear my problems, they never really want to listen or help me. FRIEND i can't really help you in this area, i mean, look who else is single. but i'll always be here to hear you out, don't feel like you're being a bother. ME : thats the thing, i feel like you are my only real friend right now, your the only one that can really understand what i feel at the moment. but i am almost breaking down. there are feelings that i have displaced for so long, feelings about what i am telling you about, i have just been saying to myself that no one wants to listen to your problems, they don't really matter anyways, you can get along by yourself just fine. But the thing is that i can't anymore, and i need someone and i don't know what to do. I really need someone, anyone really, just someone i can hold, but i don't know how i am going to find that person because i can't feel love for anyone who doesn't feel it for me. I mean if some guy came to me telling me that they liked me then i can act on that, but i have this shield... thats keeps my feelings closed it is like a defense thing that i have built from all the hopless crushes i have had FRIEND yeah, totally, you're tentative to like someone because you don't know if you'll get hurt. ME i am not asking you too do anything for me really, i just want you to hear me and really look out for someone will you. If you know that anyone likes me you will help them come to me, or tell me. Just look out for someone for me, i really need someones help, you don't have to really but keep your eye open. I give everyone a chance, all they have to do is come to me. FRIEND i get it, and i'll help whenever i can. ME thanks i just needed to do something, it was like i was breaking down or somthing, i am sure you have noticed that i never really express my feelings and well i have to do it sometimes or i will go crazy well thats it right now, i don't know if i will post anything else today....