D is for dazed. Which how I feel, or want to feel. I don’t know, there is just something about Sundays that get to me, they feel like the last day I have left, and the worst day of the week. I hate Sundays; they always feel like the calm before the storm. You’re never really that energetic on Sundays, I think it is because you know what is coming tomorrow, that your nice, calm, happy weekend is coming to a close. Right now all I want to do is fall into a drug induced sleep, and not wake up till Friday night and maybe than I will escape to a better place half across the world and be with other people. People, who haven’t had a chance to hurt me, people who aren’t busy doing their own thing. People who understand me, accept me, and people I can be myself around. Lately I have been feeling like I am walking around in someone else’s body, that all these things that are happening to me are not really intended for me. Like I wasn’t lucky enough to be liked, and “un liked.” Or that all the shit that is happening with my family isn’t real, and that it is just too horrible to be real life. That really I am dreaming, from a cancer induced coma. Everyday I wish I could wake up to a better life and be happy. Something always goes wrong, nothing ever stays good, and when something is good, it is always too good to be true. I have work I need to do, and I have people that need me, but right now for all I care I could say screw you, how about you do something for me for once. Think about someone else but yourselves, and do something for another person. Doesn’t have to be me, but for one moment stop thinking about what would happen to you, and start thinking about someone else’s feelings for once. Last night I was reading through my old entries, reminiscing about the days when I had something to say, and I used to write essays for entries. I feel the need to say more, and feel more, but nothing comes out. It’s not because of past events, pains, or trials. But I feel numb today. I feel nothing at all, just an empty hole where my feelings used to be. I am not upset about anything, and I am not happy about anything. And after realizing that I wrote so much about what I felt, I realized that people might call it emo. But in reality its just emotion, it’s nothing over the board, out right I want to kill myself because I am so alone, its just feelings. As much as I hate to be alone at times, I really don’t care right now. If someone happens to come along and like me for who I am, then great, I will give him a chance, but I am not going to go looking for anything again. Maybe later when I am feeling really alone will I reach out to someone, but right now I think I like where I am. Right now I feel like being around people, but not a lot of people maybe one or two people. I feel like being around friends, but not all of them at once. I don’t really feel anything; I guess I just want a whole bunch of stuff right? Well isn’t this the time of year when everyone wants? Children want the latest toy, and parents want to get it for them. Lovers want to love their other, and people want to love something they miss. The ones who are alone, and say they like it, lie, they really want someone to hold them. Different people want to party the holiday with the people they know, others want to get drunk because they have no one. Me, right now I fit into the people who really want nothing. Of course I want things, but do I really care if I get them? Nope. I could care less if I get anything; I could care less if anyone gets what they want. Christmas seems to be one of the most selfish seasons around. Everyone does what they want, not what they need to do, or what needs to be done. This is my second Christmas with out my mother, and every day it gets easier to forget the person who left you. It gets easier to let go of someone who doesn’t want you, and never did. It hurts, there is an empty space I want to fill, but not with her, anything but her can fill that space. Does anyone want to? I don’t know. Don’t think so, but do I really care? Nope. I told you, I feel nothing, and I care about nothing right now. This Christmas is going to be horrible; I might loose more than one parent. And that’s all people really need to know. I feel like I am loosing everything. My family, myself, my life. Just everything. I don’t know many people that will understand this, maybe just one, but that person doesn’t really want to talk to me anymore. I need a new life; I need something new, something to keep me going, something to look forward to. I am not giving up on anything, but for once in my life I would just love to get something good. It’s been so long that I have been getting one bad thing after another, good rarely happens with me. Is it me? Is it how I am, is there something wrong with me? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. I am glad that I can write so much, I like to write, and it’s something that makes me feel better, just to be able to form words, fiction or truth. It doesn’t matter. I have written another essay long entry, and congrats to those who made it to the end. Comment, I like to get comments they make me feel better, in some strange way.