I think today was a hard day, not only because of the weather. Past events have altered my life for a long time. School was hard, i found it hard to be upset with myself and with andrew. We didn't even speak and i could feel the tension between us. It relived me a little to think that he was smart enough to know to leave me alone, and not to act like it never happened. I was really lonely today, what a perfect time to fight with one of the few friends you have, Amanda is gone, and i don't really have any other friends. Well i think i might but i am not so sure anymore. Not a lot of people talk to me, and i feel, well like a ghost again. I always used to be, it is an old habit that I don’t think will go away. I tend to retreat back into myself, it gives me the feeling that I will never be let down, that I can never tell lies to myself and treat myself with disrespect. I think I might be like that for a long time. I know for a fact that I will never be the same, I know it was a small lie, and it wasn’t the much, but I have been lied to all my life and I want it all to stop. It has to stop soon or I think I might explode. I really put a lot of trust into a friend, and when someone goes and takes that trust and betrays it, it makes me fell bad. Not because a close friend had lied to me, but that I let it happen, I let someone hurt me, and I let them hit me while I was week. No more of that. I really hope Andrew feels bad. He asked me last night if I will forgive him, I don’t really know if I can. Even if I do I don’t think that everything will be the same. To forgive him now, he needs to tell me that he is truly sorry for hurting me, and he needs to show me that he knows what he did, and why it affected me so much. Not only that, but it has to be to my face really, no lame ass, half apology on msn. I want to see the expressions on his face while he tells me that he knows that he hurt me. I want him to see the pain in my face and feel remorse. I don’t want him to hide behind a computer screen and tell me that he is sorry. I want to see it is his face. I won’t talk to him, every word spoken between us stabs me like a knife. I feel pain that I had lost a valuable friend. I looked at Andrew as an important friend, I cared for my friend as most friends do. He knew all my problems and all the hate in my past. I knew some of his secrets and we had a silent bond. We felt the same way on so many things. How he gets shy, and how I get shy on certain topics. We shared a lot of interests and that made us better friends. I never once looked at him as the opposite sex, someone that is a potential boyfriend. He was a friend, and when you are friends with someone, they don’t have a sex really, they are all the same in my eyes. Never did I have any feelings for him beyond friendship; never did I once judge him based on any fact. I would listen to anything he had to say, and I would help him when ever he needed it. As well I thought he would be there for me. That is why it hurt a lot when he lied, he wasn’t just lying to me, he was lying to a friendship that we had. I am hurting inside because I was lied to, I feel pain because I lost a friend, and I am sick with grief because nothing has been said about my fears. How I am afraid that I never had a friend, that it was easy for him to lie because he never really cared. Out of all that, even as I write, I am afraid that this problem will never be solved. I wonder if he cares enough to hold on to a friend, I wonder if he is just to much of a guy to care. I know I sometimes get carried away for myself, but I really, really, put a lot of trust in friends that I make. I only hope that someday I can get that same trust. I want to leave you with this quote that I kinda made up: Remorse it the product of pain, we should all feel it when a friend is hurt Please, don’t fool around with peoples feelings, they may be hard, they maybe weak, but in either way they are there. Family, and friends are a wonderful thing. Hold on to the ones that stay true to you. Because like me they could be gone one day.