Well this is a entry that I wrote yesterday, but for some reason, SitD wouldn't let me post it. I would post it, then 2 seconds later everything would become blank. It is really annoying. Well anyways here ya go. Screw it, I can make a list of people who hate me, and really it doesn't bother me at all. Im trying to make up with the people who I have had a bad past. Im trying to create something better, cause I want good memories, not to go through life seeing that people hate me. I want to tell all the people that I ever had a problem with, that Im sorry, lets try and get along. I don't know why, but I get this feeling to be friendly, and to be helpful. I think its cause im in love. But anyways! :) So Im going to try and change the people who hate me idea's about me. People call me a bitch, and people say im horrible, but I don't care. The thing is, Im going to change that! I want to change that. Im not going to get anywhere in life, if I don't get along with people. Its also hard to talk to people right to their faces. Not because im scared, but just because Im not good at getting out what i want to say with spoken word. When im focused yes, but when im nervous, or find something hard to say, it takes me a while to put it how someone outside my thought patterns to get it. Other than my mission to make it up with people. I also have decided to give one random compliment to a person each day. I got one today. this girl in my art class didn't have to say anything about how i looked, but she said i looked cute, that my outfit was really cute. And you might think that she was joking, trying to make fun of me, but even though i didn't know this person, i knew that she doesn't put down people. shes not cruel like some of her friends. she has talked to me before, and she was nice to me. I want to make people feel like i felt today. I think by somehow making other people feel better, i might beable to feel better about myself. I hate myself. But really who doesn't. Well some people like who they are. Don't get me wrong, i love who I am. But sometimes i don't. Like when my grandmother has to insult me, and make me feel so bad about myself. She has this idea in her head that i have to be the perfet house wife, with 3 children, and no future. She wants me to be able to clean a whole house with out being asked at 16. This is cause this is what her dad, and everyone else in the world told her she had to be like that. Her family had 9 kids. and her mother died at 8. She was one of the middle children. She never had much money, and her step mom, was a wife for a husband, not a mother for children. She had to everything for herself. But it doesn't, and shouldn't be like that now. Women shouldn't have to be in that role anymore. Well in general, becuase im not perfect, bueatiful, or smart, she has to insult me. Which ends up making me feel, stupid, dumb, ugly, useless, and a waste of breath and time. Its hard to get up everyday when you know that someone thinks your a failure, and that your ugly. You know what she said to me when i was picking my courses. Lindsey, you should take gym. Just little comments like that make me feel bad. When im getting a glass of juice. Lindsey, thats good for you, doesn't have alot of fat in it. I feel like a terrible person. Im very insecure with myself, isn't everyone? But its just hard sometimes. Doesn't help that andrew, John, and thomas had to flake on my today with the plans. I think they lied to me, cause they thought i couldn't handle them telling me that they didn't want me there. Thats ok, Im fine with that. ------------ No for today. Its crap. All I want to do is get out of this house now. I want to leave forever. Im getting a job and moving out. No one respects me, or what I have to say. Im in a bad mood cause everyone is insulting me. My dads in a bad mood cause hes a fuck up, and screwed all our lives up. I've been abondoned by my mother. And i can't do anything right in the eyes of my grandmother. I have an "attitude" now. Cause i have opinions, and think its not fair how my brother is being treated like hes a dog in heat. Its cause my dad is a fuck up, and he thinks his children will be too. I can't believe them. I don't have an attitude, but when all you do is insult me, and bring me down. And all you do is say angry words to me, its hard for me to be cheery. The world isn't perfect. and my life fucking sucks. Im not saying its the worst, but its pretty damn hard. I think im going to call someone later, anyone, see if someone will just hang out with me.