I am really happy, and I am not really happy. I don't know why, it is just how i feel today. I know i haven't been on here for a while, and i can't think of a reason to tell you all. I am happy because i got staff on a website, and i making graphics and getting hits on my own website, and that makes me happy. and then i am not happy because, well i am not happy, i think there are alot of reasons why, let me list them. 1)I am alone, really alone 2)I need someone right now 3)It seems like no one needs me right now 4)I feel ugly...again 1) I am alone, i have no friends around, and the only person here is my nanny, and i con't stand her anymore. She is getting on my nerves! I might have some friends, but it seems like none of them like to leave the house. Like Amanda, she never wants to go anywhere, and Monkey, well i can't even get a hold of Monkey. And then I have the guys, come on lets face it, hanging out with just guys is a little strange. Then i have Megan, and Megan is just letting me down in everyway. I think i have been on holiday for what, 3 or 4 weeks? and i still have not seen her. My Best Friend, that i couldn't be seperated from is not around. The whole moving thing is really hurting right now, not only did i leave my friends, i came to a really boring city, there is nothing to do here. I think one day i am going to pack up my bags and go to Richmond Hill and stay in a hotel!! I swear to god! Then there is emma, this time last year me and her went everywhere together! I stayed at her house for like a week! But she is always busy as well. This sucks ass, and i don't mean to hurt any of the new friends i have here, but i really miss all my old friends, i really really really miss them all. I sit on the computer all day and i have no one. last summer i had some friends that would come and rescue me, but none this time. I don't even have a park near my house! i have to walk 15 minutes to get to one! There is nothing here....please...someone save me from myself! 2)I need someone to hold, and kiss, and just to need. I know writting it down on the internet isn't going to help me find someone, but for those who know me, know that i am not good looking, i am ugly. No one loves the ugly girls. It is like this huge sign that hangs with me, I am ugly, don't come near me. I hate it but i can't change it. I really do want some one right now, I want some one to say i love you. and to go out with me. I am sure you all feel it sometimes, but none of you really know how i feel, none of you. You all have your girlfriends, and boyfriends, or aleast had one. I have never even been close to having one. In the history of my life, almost 16 years now, no one outside of my family has looked upon me with adoring eyes. No one. i once liked a boy, who broke my heart. Not many people know that about me, not many can guess that i would have liked a boy none the less gotten my heart broke. But it is broke, and i think it is still broken. I don't know how to heal it on my own. I need some one to help me heal it. I like someone now, but not really. I don't know anything about him, he isn't even in my grade. No one knows who he is, well Amanda and Monkey do, but i don't want anyone to kno. He is really just a crush. I like the way he looks, i would like to get to know him more, but o don't want to become his friend. Because you make that bond with a friend, and most of the time i would never imagine breaking that for a highschool realationship. but the thing is no one ever wants to be more than just a friend. 3)As i said a little above, no one seems to need me right now. Not any of my friends, no boy around here. No one in Richmond hill. Megan called yesterday, but it was a short phone call and she said she would call back, but never did. I don't even bother to call her, she won't be home. She works at a camp durring the day, works at her real job durring the night, and then on weekends she is either working or at her cottage. Then Emma, i can't call emma, the bill is too much for her. Then now and ays she is never online. I never get to talk to her much anymore. I haven't seen her since her b-day party, in may. I miss all of them. even amy. Marcus looks more like a boy now, but i bet i can still get him in a dress XP I want to see them all now. No boys need me, they don't need an ugly girlfriend who will probably cling to them like glue. i think i would be a really touchy feely kinda girl. But i don't really know. 4)I feel ugly, i really do. I used to not care so much, and still don't care about what other people think so much, but i feel ugly. I was in the stores trying on clothes with amanda and i couldn't find anything in my size. and the mirrors everywhere were just as painful. I can't help who i am, i was born this way, and brought up this way. I have no self confidence what so ever, and everyone knows it too. I see cute boys at the mall and i think it would be nice to know them, and love them, but would they really think of me as anything more as a friend. I feel like a vampire really. I am different from everyone around me, and i wish to know and love them all, but i can't because i am different. I feel distanced from everyone because of my body. I have so much love to give, but no one to give it too. There have been people in my life that i have loved, but wasn't able to get any closer to them because of me beign different. But alas, you have to remember, they don't make ugly vampires. I even feel distanced from my own metaphor. I really must stop talking now, it is starting to make me more depressed. I have been depressed for a long time. I know what will help me get out of it but, we discused this no one loves me, or even like likes me. comment, it makes me feel better, but if you do, please say something more than just interesting. †EDIT† I am kinda pissed off at Frodo now. He thinks that he has to help everyone, then goes and puts in his name that is it hard for him to think about himself when others need help. I don't think that is about me, i hope itisn't about me, but when he tried to help me, i wasn't asking for it, and i didn't need his help. I know he is trying to be nice and all but you don't try and be nice and then go and complain about it. I didn't ask for help, and really didn't want to tell him what i told him. I don't feel that there is anyway that i can make better memories for myself. No one really knows the pain i have gone through, and i like it that way. i don't like it when people have to assume that since i am depressed that i need help right away. I am dealing with it in my own way. If it is about me then i say the hell with it, i wasn't asking for help in the first place so don't get all high on yourself and thing i was. You didn't have to continue with the converstaion we were having, and i stoped it remember. You made me very uncomfortable. I am hoping it isn't about me, but still to go around helping people and complain about it is really low, well thats my opinion. One might think, frodo is probably going to read this, and you know what i hope he does. because i don't hide my feelings, well most of the time. This is how i feel about it and i am going to say it. Really i could care less if he hates me, never talks to me again, that sort of thing seems to happen alot to me. but none the less, thats how i feel. Don't expect me to grasp your out look on life, because you haven't lived mine. maybe someday you will understand, but you don't. no one does exept me.