I must confess - I didn't go to school today... :( I felt so, so bad after the phonecall with Rae...not only because of the incident that I caused....I felt down cuz of Danny, cuz of the way things have turned out with Rae, cuz of a lot of things... :( I'm so fuckin down....I never wanted to control Rae's life, and yet, there are things and moments, I feel that I need Rae to do something, in order that I everything is ok. Like when I asked her what Danny wrote her on her cellphone and she blew that I should stop controlling her life, that I keep wanting to know everything - I just asked - because thats what I do....:( Its not cuz I don't trust her, not because of jelousy of what Danny could be writing to her - but because of curiousity...and when Rae doesn't tell me - I don't mean to get suspecious...but I start feeling so bad - because of something that is kept away from me. I so hate myself for this - but I don't seem to be able to change it..... :( god.....but then also Rae frightens me.... I'm a sensitive person and have my difficulties telling the difference from someone who's joking or being serious - and when Rae critizes me or says she loves me, wants to spend her life with me and then tells me that it depends on the situation whether I may kiss her or not, or when she writes in her diary that " I know that I made the mistake of breaking up with him because I thought someone else could make me happier" I don't know whats going on inside of her...and how I should take it..... I'm just someone who needs a lot of care. Just today, someone asked me whether I was gay and that if I don't get out of my frustration and depression, she would think that I would turn gay. I wish I would've never left Bainbridge...Rae means so much to me...she changed...