well - I suppose this trip went quite different than I had hoped... I feel pretty bad, although I smile a lot at murphys...but im still hurt. Hurt about quite a number of things...but I guess it doesnt matter.. ..not to Rachel anyways. Ive just been totally blocked it seems... and it stuns me. I mean - she was the one who wanted me over for her bday and everything - and now we hardly talk to spend time together. What I do respect, however, is the trouble shes going through...but thats the other thing: she never opened up to me and told me, which would have led to a lot less confusion. I never knew about a miscarriage, etc. and it shocks me...I would imagine - along with the rape - that it takes a lot of time to process that. But Rae has to understand that I want to be there for her. I don't hate her, I don't even look down on her for dating...but its just hard for me at the same time. I just feel unappreciated, in a way. She's constantly out, comes back towards midnight, makes plans without clueing me in, and thinks that I want my distance from her. When I tried to talk to her, she said that as long as I don't question her feelings, everything will be alright... Being someone who cares about her, however, I can't ignore her feelings... I'm not sure about this one anymore, but I think she lied to me about spending the night at Kristens. She came home late the other day and talked to Ryan (her new boy) and mentioned something about a Hotel Room. So thats what I'm guessing where she is tonite, but I might be mistaken...I dunno. I wish someone would be online to talk to me... well - I'm not quite sure what to do really...im pretty down... Its not like I want to date her again, or something - its just that I still care about her, more than a friend, and I feel like being treated less than a brother... o well - I could go on writing for hours, but its gotta stop somewhere.... we'll see how it goes...im not sure if I'll extend my ticket....i havent seen rae happy at all, that I'm here....so staying for xmas would just be sort of a waste I suppose....this trip isnt just about what I want, its what the two of us want - as friends, as buddies, as whatever...