well - came back from Holland the other night. Had a fun three weeks, got away from home a little - where trouble continued in the meantime. Now that I'm back, everything seems to turn back to how it was - fights between my parents, annoyances...and im back to having personal problems. I just feel....well - I'm not sure how I feel. When I first got out of highschool, being through with graduation and all - it was just such a relief. I felt free, fond to do whatever I wanted to and I felt excited about going on with life, starting with job and studies and all...but now I feel lost. There are no finances for college, so I have to see about raising money myself. If I chose to work now, I loose another year before going to college - and where I will finally study is open as well. First I though the states, but now Holland might be another option as well - and I might start the first year here in Germany, so I have absolutely no idea whats going on. Then ofcourse, the neverending story about loneliness.....I feel I'm still attracted to my close friend, Nini. She's been always there for me, and I know it was hard on her, because I had a crush and it made things difficult because she never felt the same and always wanted to keep it at a friendship level. But she's just such a wonderful person, and I can't admit to her that I still feel an attachment, because I fear of what it might cause, if I do so. I broke down again today...just a day after returning from my Holidays in Holland, and started tearing again - just because I don't feel happy at all. Alone, not knowing what to do with my life, etc. Kiira has been trying to tell me that I'm the only one that can change how I feel...and thats exactly what made me break down, because I guess - I dunno what it was, but I think it made me feel so alone. No one to guide me, no one....urg...I know - that sounds corny and all - and I'm 19 and self-reliant, but i just have these moments, these breakdowns where I could just loose it all. My parents are another story...mom's all fond to get me out of the house. She's totally lost it, bringing me down about that I will never find a job and that I have to go to college in germany and shit....its really....arrg....SERIOUSLY I HAD IT! After 19 years of listening to that shit, I've really had it! And those are exactly the moments that make me take things in my own hand, because I just can't stand her saying things like that to me. My dad's got everything figured out as well. I must join this and this event, sign up to this and this college, etc..... I think all I need is exactly what I can't get - time. I feel like I've missed so much in my life time.....I forgot all about love - and holy shit, here I go again - "gotta find a girl", "gotta find love"......i honestly hate myself for this.............. a well - I might as well go to bed - I wish I had someone, ANYONE to talk to....but they're all asleep. see u ppl later.