things would be much better if i believed i was alive. we haven't fought for two whole days. i believe we're making progress. why is it sometimes i feel as though i don't exist? i can feel the keyboard on my fingertips. i can hear the low whine of the computer. i can see the letters as they magically appear and disappear on the screen. but i'm not so sure i'm here. i wrecked my car yesterday. minor collision. i was cited for a 'negligent collision.' but the car might be totalled. if it is, 'i'm going to buy it back and you're going to learn auto-mechanics.' ryan's dogs got put down last night. god he loved those things. more than anything. he was so attached to them. i got to witness him playing with them. we were arguing. he sat on the floor next to the doorway, leaned up against the peach wall. the dogs meandered over toward him. they nudged him, the licked him. but he wouldn't move. finally he couldn't take it anymore. he broke his stare at me and started hugging the dogs. he played with them. he teased them. he loved them. he looked back up at me with sort of a softer look in his eyes. like he wasn't quite as mad at me. he held on to those dogs and didn't want to let them go. i got to witness him play with those dogs. i have yet to witness him cry for those dogs. he lost something very close to him. closer than i can fathom. i cried for him last night. i think i will cry for him again. his loss made me think of how trivial things can be. i was upset about my car. a car is such a trivial thing. yes it does help to have one around but it doesn't matter whether you have one or not. you'll manage the same way you did when you were twelve. what really matters is the feeling you have for something, or someone. you will never really know how deep that feeling is until you've experienced it. i cannot say i know how he feels. i've never lost something that close to me before. and i will never truly know how he feels until i lose something that means as much to me as those dogs did to him. rest in peace maggie and happy monday 23 january 2006