sometimes, i really feel like im just kidding myself. i never realized how dependent i was on Him, until he was gone. i told Him that i wanted a week without Him, to see what it was like. to find out how much He meant to me. for the first hour or so, i couldnt stop talking to Him, asking Him to help me, to make my troubles go away, to come back, because i needed Him. after a few hours, my talking to Him slowly died down into nothing. its gone now, at first i felt empty, and alone. i felt His absense, after He left, it almost hurt, it felt like something had been snatched out of me by some malignant creature with horns and a mischevious grin, but i know that the only creature that fits that description that snatched Him away from me is myself. i did it. i made Him leave, i pushed Him away, i decided not to believe, if only for a week. now, i just feel down to earth. i feel, deep down inside, how alone i am. how alone i really have been for my whole life. how once i tell anyone to leave, i cant expect them to come back. because it wouldnt be fair, the world doesnt revolve around me, for which i am glad. im not important, im a small piece of the big picture, a dot in the photograph of despair. dont you see? everyone is. everyone is a dot, no one is important, we are all lost in this maze, and we wont get out until we escape painfully into nothing at the end. you, and i, are no better than anyone else, seeing the big picture doesnt get us out of the maze, it just gives us more pain because we see it as it is, and we dont pretend. he tried to catch me but i slipped through his fingers. brings new meaning to the phrase equal under god, doesnt it? i should have made this entry private. i never never wanted this i always wanted to believe i feel like making a new diary. kill me for saying this, but i do think, that this week is causing more harm to it than it is good.