ive unofficially become my family's new travel agent. i did a bunch of research, made a chart, gave my dad selections, he said sounds good to me and piled the books i hadnt read on my desk. i still have to read europe through the back door, a guide to germany, switzerland, and austria, and mona winks: self guided tour of europes top museums. its ok that the work has been put on my shoulders, i took it from his hands from the start. actually, its become my momentary passion. doing nothing but reading about Paris and Nice and Lyons and Berlin and Koln and Munich. and every day i anticipate august, and hope i can make it that long. because the more i work on it, the better it gets, the easier it is to pretend im there, the better it will be when i do get there. ill really have some time to think when everyone around me is speaking something i cant understand, and hopefully ill pick up a few words in german and french the best way possible: firsthand. for a day, i felt my age, im glad for the break. i felt like a kid in her first year of highschool, well its back. the tired feeling. i think i want to see that lady as soon as possible. at least he proved to me im not the crazy one. i seem to have gotten a lot more self control. im proud of myself actually, because i really didnt say anything all that mean to him. there were a few things i said that were the diet coke of mean, but i never really directly attacked him. he attacked me, all the time, he really was acting insane. i feel bad for him more than anything else, its obvious he has a lot of anger inside. you know, behind the mask, i do feel. i do smile sometimes, when no one is looking, i swear. there just isnt much worth smiling about these days. i remember i used to smile so much that my cheeks would be sore from holding that position. that would mostly happen when relatives gave me tons of toys i didnt want for christmas and my birthday, because i was still gratefull even though i wouldnt use some of them. im talking about when i was little, if you didnt realize. i realized why i developed a disinterest in piano, and why im taking a break. its because she always gives me happy music, G and F and C major, and sometimes D major, songs called things like "the merry farmer returning from work". i want something in a minor key. D minor, sounds very good right now. i want something that isnt too much sugar in the koolaid. something dark, classic, gothic victorian. but its also, just that im tired of everything. and i used to say that a lot, and overused it, and its a deeper feeling now, i feel like its become a part of my personality, this fatigue of life in general, not the bad things in life, just everything. i think maybe ill reach a point in my life, hopefully not in the next few years, where im so tired of everything that you could offer me love or money and id turn it down. [can you say emotionally unstable wreck? i can. but thats not me, you know] i dont know what im trying to say. ill take my pillow (not the one on my bed, the one thats on the bed that i want to sleep in)'s advice and go to bed, i do know what im trying to say, i just dont want to say it. i hate the walls, you know. i put them up all the time, concrete and barbed wire and my past hurt displayed with grafiti, so i can i only let people hurt me if i want to. but you know, i feel things, just the same. whatsthepoint?idontknow, i wish i did, im rambling. if i make it to 19 or 20 without running off somewhere or going on a spur of the moment road trip without telling anyone, basically legally running away from home, it will be a miracle. i just want to get away from here, from myself. canibalism is illegal, next time you bite my head off ill blow yours off. actually, ill just tell you to shut the fuck up, because you dont make sense. but who cares anymore anyway. im going to request that i can see the person in the next 5 days. a few of you know what person im talking about. is it so bad for me to want an extraordinary life? i want to make up my mind, i want a permanent set of beliefs and opinions, i want to not feel so tired all the time. santa, how about a 1/4 christmas gift? or maybe ill get used to it. ill mutate, ill like the tired feeling. but ill still hope i dont pass it onto my kids. this is the last time im listening to it tonight, i swear.