i know everyone has heard this a million times over, but this is my diary, i made it to let out my feelings, so if you dont want to hear it just dont read it. i cannot stress the extent to which i miss him. i started "writing letters" to him in my other diary, the one thats on paper. its kind of helping... im such a wuss. i feel this empty space lying next to me at night, this empty space that holds me in its arms. myself four months ago would be ashamed with me, how dependent i have grown on other people, mainly one person in particular. where have all the walls gone? im not sure. if they are even gone at all. it feels like summer outside, it rained last night, i was happy. ive gotten to this point, where i just want to be by myself. i dont want to see anyone. i want to stay up in my room until march 22. sneak down at night to get a bottle of water and a few pieces of food. yeah... im gonna die at school tomorrow. i guess ive grown withdrawn or something, but i just dont want to see other people...my family is being good and leaving me alone for the most part. im sitting here, looking at a book full of bach that has half of the music years harder than my ability, drinking a strawberry cream pie shake from sonic, which has ceased to be able to make me feel better about anything. or maybe some things just hurt too deep for shakes and music to help. i wanna hitchhike to florida... dont worry, ill take a knife, just in case. fuck x 20934820348028944. i officially hate this week. with a passion. and if you are gonna leave a mean comment, at least sign it. cause ya know, it takes away the meanness when you are scared to let me know who you are. ___________________________ my tips have faded and grown out. now its more of a brown thats a shade darker than my hair. it looks the color of ashes. my hair...smells like a mixture of axe, lucky, and smoke. the smoke smell wont leave no matter what i do. i havnt even held a cig since august. but the insence seems to stain my hair with that smell, which is suffocating until it is washed. im going to re-dye it soon. im not sure what im gonna do, black tips, black streaks...black hair? i wish my hair was darker. my hair is the same color as my eyes. boring.