*I'm tearing away Pieces are falling I can't seem to make them stay You run away Faster and faster you can't seem to get away Break Hope there's a reason For questions unanswered I just don't see everything Yes I'm inside you Tell me how does it feel to feel like this Just like I do. . . . Do I really want this Sometimes I scare myself I just can't let it go Can you believe it* anyways...today was long and fucking bad. there are so many things i feel that cant write in here...i hate that. does anyone on here EVER feel like they are standing in the middle of a crowd SCREAMING THEIR FUCKING LUNGS OUT and no one, NO ONE even hears it? and then if someone else whispers they all listen. does what i say have less importance than everyone elses? everyone says i talk too quiet. well, fuck that. i prefer to believe that they arent listening well enough. i just thought of a very mean thing to say. i wont say it. today there were like a lot of times when i would say something, and everyone else would just be talking. now i admit that it may have been a mumble the first time. so i said it louder. still no acknowledgement. so i said it to where if i had done it any louder it would have been a yell. only one person would hear me when i said these things, and i am thankful for that. if i had yelled everyone else would have been like WTF is your PROBLEM? and as a rule i dont enjoy people being mad at me, so i just kept quiet. i dont get upset. im sort of used to people ignoring me anyway. either what i say makes them feel uncomfortable, they just ignore whatever comes out of my mouth, there were more important people talking at the time, or they didnt hear it. i prefer to think it was the first or last one. there are so many people worried about me. why? im fine. i might not have much self control, but im generally a good person. im not depressed, and im not suicidal. i dont think im better than most people, im afraid of a lot of things, but arent we all? i think about the things i want every day, but i have been sober for almost 4 months. i cant seem to forget anything, and even when i am drunk i remember everything that happens. when i am alone my mind gets the best of me. sometimes i think i can do things that are not possible, and i believe in God and that everything happens for a reason. i try to do the right thing but temptation seems to get the best of me sometimes. sometimes i cant stop being mean to people. when i am alone i think everyone hates me. i dont overly enjoy living with my family, i dont love my brother, my dad doesnt talk to me, and my mom just tries to find out what is going on in my life. "they care about me" im sure thats what you all are thinking, but i prefer to think its about control. theres your psychoanalysis. its all about control. parents love to think they have control over us from the time that we are born, and it kills them to find out that they dont my parents should have learned that already, that they dont have control over me, if i follow their rules it is by my choice, they have had a shrink tell them that and it got better for a short time, and its bad again. i probably sound like an extremely angsty teenager, haha. i am not mad at anyone but myself, so do not even think it to all you friends who read this. to all you people that i know... if i want you to know how i feel then i will tell you. if you dont want to know how i feel then leave me the fuck alone. if you dont notice that i am feeling bad when i am, then i will wonder about you. but if i tell you im fine, you are gonna have to believe me. i appreciate everyone who cares about me. id be lost without you. i guess thats prolly wayyyy too much for one entry, but oh well. i feel a lot better now hehe. ill add more later becuase believe it or not there is still more to tell. ly becca