THERES SOMETHING FUNNY AT THE BOTTOM! SKIP THE IRRELEVANCY! i think that my grandmothers appointment was today. im interested to find out what the doctor says, because i had this growing theory that she was making up the hearing voices just so that my dad would take her places and buy her things, which was apparently ok because he saw her get beaten by his dad when he was little and that changes things now or something. he saw that, but he doesnt see anything anymore. he doesnt see the way his mom acts. my mom and him never talk while shes there, except for my mom to tell him what his mom is doing and how rude it is, and him telling her she needs to be more caring, stop being so bitchy, and force me and my brother to be more caring too. oh well. life is what it is, and i shall make the best of it. with a smile, of course books to read while on vacation: odyssey and do rest of packet red dragon hannibal jaws insomnia by stephen king the talisman by stephen king and i dont remember who else and dracula, which im thinking about leaving there, because all these books are going to be way heavy. skip this part if you dont want to read something long and irrelevant _____________________________________ i really need to start trying to live more. i see my grandma, in her adult diapers (with clothes over them, of course...[shudders]) walking around, having to smoke every five minutes and drinking a case of diet coke a day, and nothing she says is intelligible because her voice has become scratchy from an entire life of smoking too much. i see her, the highlight of her day is to count out her pills, which she doesnt even know what they do, but there are bottles and bottles of them, and she probably takes over twenty a day. i see her, and i know i dont want to end up like that, at only 69. and i wonder if she has things she wished she had done, and i know she has, because once, she came in here while i was talking to people online, and she sat down and watched me, like she often does (drives me crazy!!) and she asked me if i had a boyfriend. i told her no. at the time i think me and nathan had broken up less than a month before, and i probably told her that. but anyway... she told me how when she was in highschool, she was engaged. and something happened, i dont remember what, i think he was dating someone else while they were engaged, and so she broke it off, or he broke it off, and then ended up with my grandpa, and they enjoyed being married by ignoring their children and being alcoholics, and him beating her, and then divorcing her when they were 30 or 40 because she was hearing voices and seeing messages on pennies. _________________________________________ ok. well then. its gotten much too hot here. the heat doesnt bother me as much as the humidity. i can't have my window open anymore, and i never go outside except at night. and that bothers me. oops, that was irrelevant too. oh well. sorry. maybe ill add more later. for now, i will continue writing the unnamed book, that i dont know what its about because i dont know where its going. just add it a little at a time. i finally got myself to write some more yesterday. but i know its not going to be a satisfying piece of writing, to me at least. because i wanted something that would move people, something that asked the questions that we all want to know the answers to, something that made people think, something that made people angry at the world, or look at their own lives and realize how good they have it after all. and it seems like some stupid middle school novel. i dont think ill show it to anyone unless it ends up something good. it would be too embaressing, haha. oooh, lightning. i am so outside. ill add more later. i love summer storms. and theres a breeze now too, i love it. oh wow, the rainy day song. funny thing: my neighbor thinks my mom and the crazy guy that lives on our street are having an affair. this is probably only funny to those who have been to my house, and seen his ways. like when he was saying good morning to me like he was a ventriloquist dummy, or when he told my dad they were talking about martians on the news, or when jesse and katie and a few other people were ringing peoples doorbells 'trick or treating' the night after halloween for fun, and he told them he was a police officer and a bunch of stuff, and had them scared to death. he finds the strangest things to talk about. and i admit, he flirts with my mom a lot. but she would never cheat on my dad, and that guy just wants attention. ____________________________________ .