when i wrote that little thing, that stars fell on alabama, i didnt think about the part where i would have to explain how i thought of it. heres the thing....i cant really. anything i would say would sound like a big sob story. like i was wanting to have everyone feel so sorry for me. which i dont want, and that is the last thing i want. i will say this: the little girl was mocking how old i thought i was when i was really still young. and i saw all that in my head if you were wondering, i saw it when i saw the liscence plate. i might say more about it later, but it really would sound like i was just wanting attention. so i wont now. im thinking i need to call off the wild part of new years...i just had this dream last night where i got caught...and it was bad. and it got me thinking about how small of a chance there is that i dont get caught, and i thought about all the different consequences if i did. if i would just get grounded, and that is all, then i would let everyone just get completly hammered. but the fact is, i dont know if my punishment would be being grounded or many other things OR boarding school. and i do NOT want boarding school. and it isnt worth boarding school. not for a bottle of vodka, a countdown to midnight and 10 people. i dont know what i am gonna do yet. but hopefully when i decide it isnt too late. love ya becca (if i decide to call it off, im sorry nicole and kait!!) but yeah...what if it gets spilled on the carpet? yeah its clear, but that doesnt mean it doesnt smell..i think it would be kind of obvious...and by the off chance that something weird happens down there again (yes, we will be in my basement, we have to sleep down there too) and everyone is screaming and my parents run downstairs and turn on the lights to see everyone half drunk with spiked coke in their hands? or what if someone wont stop drinking? and i have to kick them out of my house? wont that be fun...only my closest friends will get hidden in the bathroom if they get too drunk. i mainly have to decide what i would do if i got caught. would i go every man for himself, or take the whole blame and risk the consequences? or would i say i had no idea it was there, im just an innocent bystander, i didnt ralize the coke i was drinking actually had vodka in it, promise! i really didnt! i would probably take the whole blame...which scares me, not because it would be the right thing to do since it WAS my idea to drink at that small party, but because i dont know what i will do if i am sent away to some reform school, i really dont want that... but im thinking if i dont call it off then i am gonna end up being the babysitter. making sure no one takes too much, no dear go in the bathroom if you are gonna puke! dont mess with that lamp, you will break it! stop wasting that, i paid good money for it! honey, GET OFF THE TABLE AND STOP STRIPPING! and i wont have any fun, and no one will understand, that if i am caught then my life is like i dont know what. but it will be bad, whatever happens. ill have to stay completly sober, not even a sip for me, nope, gotta make sure that everyone else doesnt get me in trouble, yep. and then someone will spike my drink anyway and ill end up being the one that is being all wild and destroying my basement. and my parents will never trust me again. i keep telling everyone "yeah but we are only gonna get buzzed, so its ok" i think i am trying to tell myself that more than anyone else, but deep down i know that there is at least one person that is gonna drink too much there...and i dotn know what im gonna do at that point. grandpa and kait, you are really gonna have to help me plan if you guys wnat this to work out, im worried about getting caught. ly me