so much has happened. i tire writing about it. nothing is a blur anymore. i'm looking at the world from under a few feet of water, and wondering when i will be able to breathe again. i'm not stupid, i'm not going to try to until the conditions are right. it would be too dramatic. so. i miss you. i'm not gonna lie. i'm sure you don't read this anymore anyway, so i don't know who i'm kidding. la dee da dee da. i'd just like someone to continually give me sleeping medication through an iv. i don't want to wake up until everything has gone away. but, no. the clock keeps ticking, dragging me through its face of nothingness. so, i shall take the advice that kgb instilled in us when we still had her. i wish we still had her. "'The best thing for being sad,' replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, 'is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devestated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then--to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the thing for you. Look at what a lot of things there are to learn--pure science, the only purity there is. You can learn astronomy in a lfietime, natural history in three, literature in six. And then, after you have exhausted a million lifetimes in biology and medicine and theocriticism and geography and history and economics--why, you can start to make a cartwheel out of the appropriate wood, or spend fifty years learning to begin to learn to beat your adversary at fencing..." -The Once and Future King, T.H. White so, right now, its history and culture of europe through the ages, along with the world's greatest unsolved mysteries. i am going to read europe 101, which is actually a travel guide version, and then a humoungous history of europe that has been described as tough reading by my father, and then innocents abroad roughing it by mark twain. its his experiences in different places in europe and how he percieved different places in europe. fun stuff. afterall, closure is only a word, and instead of it being as if something has been torn from me, it is as if it was all only a dream, my memories are only mystery artifacts that have no name or place in reality, along with the things associated with you that had taken their place in my room. it never began, never happened, so never ended. never was. so don't ask me why still i am sad. goodbye everyone. oh, and you...you know, you are eventually going to face that fact that i am saying all the hard stuff to them. this is not only making me look like a complete goodygoody who wants to ruin everything for everyone, but makes me not to want to see them again. i don't want to see them again. i believe maybe next time you request i tell them something i will refuse and make you do it yourself. its your message, your thoughts, why should they come out of my mouth every time? i don't mind, yet. what really, really bothers me, is that i havn't cried much. i feel like bawling until i have no tears to cry, because of everything, not just that, everything, but i can't. i am steel, i am stone. i can't seem to feel anything but this trapped and uncomfortable feeling. no tears. i want tears. i want you. i'm going to try to switch my schedule to ap euro, or my mom is. i want to. __________________________________________ i need to have less biased diary entries. i need to tell everything and not just weird stuff. so, i'm going to put in an application to west county mall, at famous barr. my neighbor told me to, she is apparently tight with them or something. if i get the job i will be paid to walk around tidying clothes. not the fastest paced job, but it pays money, and has flexible hours. so. i have wonderful grades right now. for the first time in 2004 i am actually doing all my homework, but my grades.... honors geometry: F history:D or C language arts: probably a B or an A Interior Design: D Choir: A Biology: F so. thats nice. my parents are going to be horrified when progress reports come out. i justhave too much tests to make up from being sick a while ago. i want to learn how to drive. my dad wants me to help him plan the trip to germany and northern france. sleeping outside on friday night has fully convinced me that i love nature. it was powerful, looking up at the stars and then sleeping, and waking up to the birds singing all around me. when i am older i am going to backpack around europe and across america. and if the weather stays nice i am planning on sleeping outside without a tent this time, with only a sleeping bag. i got a haircut. i started wearing makeup. me and kelsey layed out saturday so my freakishly pale skin has turned normal. i hate my nose. i want to rent movies. i need to clean my room. ill think of more things later.