ok well me and my friends had this idea...that i would put up real diary entries from some of the darkest times in my life, and then explain what i was thikning and why i did the things i did, so that maybe people will understand me better...i must say, i was pretty screwed up...like majorly...and i said some mean things in there about people that i love dearly now. so please NONE OF YOU take offense, and of course ill put up the normal stuff too. anything in bold is my comments on the diary page from the summer. July 3, 2003 Im starting this new journal with hopes of a new beginning. No more long, detailed, UNFINISHED stories. No more sappy love poems written about how i want to get back together with some old love who i know longer have a chance with. No more BULLSHIT. This journal is going to be for what i am thinking when i wake up in the morning but i am writing in it right now at 11:23 because frankly, i have nothing better to do. This wasnt my idea you know. It was some magazines idea about how to vent "creative energy." Sounds like something out of one of those self-help books if you ask me. Mom keeps buying them for me and they lay discarded on my shelf with books i havnt touched in years. What she doesnt understand is that they dotn work. They are just another way to make money off people who already have enough problems to begin with, who feel like failures after the "quick-and-easy-solutions" dont work for them. Anotehr false hope. Why do i feel like im being held back, like im in chains? oh yeah. i almost forgot there, its cause i AM. i just want to clarify again that this was from months ago....dont judge me off it.Ha, i bet i read this 20 years from now and think "jeez, i was one crazy bitch." well, i am what they made me. I am going to promise myself that i will never be like them. it wont be the same for my kids. wow i sound like a very angsty teenager... I promise: (as long as outside conditions like crime remain the same) *i will allow my children to express themselves *i will teach them from the beginning to be open-minded *i will use the "innocent until proven guilty" *i will let them experience things for themselves *i will not be hypocritical (we are all hypocritical in some way...) *i will actually listen to my kids *i will give them a decent allowance (lol i have changed so much since then..) *i will help my kids to have as much fun as they can, allow them to go to parties, etc (wow...i wasnt very realistic at all...makes me wonder if im still that bad.) *i will be involved in my kids lives *i will adopt kids if i dont end up married _________________________ yeah...its not real dramatic at first, more like messed up me with unrealistic views... i have changed so much in the last 6 months or so...its not even funny. anyways...i dont want to add too much at a time..ly me