dammit, why do you do this to yourself?! i dont understand...actually i sort of do...ive been there before. ive been to that place. where something is dragging you down, and something has got you trapped, but you cant figure out what. ive been there, where you feel like you are being sucked into a black hole, and your friends dont talk to you much anymore except to give you sympathetic looks and try one more time to convince you that things will get better. and its all spinning out of control, and you want to find something to hold onto, and you cant. and everything is a blur, and you feel like you want to puke and cry and die, all at the same time. and for no reason at all it seems. so sometimes you just close your eyes, and pretend things are good, and remember when you were happy, and smile to yourself. and every morning, you get up and eat breakfast and put on your smile, and keep it on until you are alone again. and you sleep a ton, to get away from it all, and you think about doing things, running away or ending it all. but i was too much of a coward to do anything but sit and cut myself and wish i was dead. i hope you are a coward too...i dont know what i would do if you were gone... i understand how it feels, like it wasnt under your control. "im tearing away, pieces are falling i cant seem to make them stay" but i just wish i could show you things from my eyes. how you have to keep holding on until you are out of highschool, and then you can leave, you can get away. hold on, it will be alright. it was for me. the guy who "took advantage" of me hurt me but saved me. he told me some things. he said you HAVE GOT to keep holding on until you are out of high school, you can move wherever you want, to where no one knows you, and start over. and be happy. if for nothing else, you should hold on in case someone needs you to tell them to hold on too. that was enough for me. im alright now. but you gotta understand, it doenst hurt her, it doesnt hurt anyone except yourself (and me, but it shouldnt hurt me. and you shouldnt think about how i feel before you do things)you gotta keep holdin on for yourself. and you cant, unless you want to. i just fucking wish i could help you. i cant, and its killing me. im sorry...