ive been thinking. rainy days do that to me you know, and im happy, because its beautiful outside, in my eyes at least. the gray sky and the puddles, and the fact that no one goes outside. i just found a starburst jelly bean shaped like a tear. wow, that was random. maybe i need more strattera than two a day. but anyways, i was thinking about a lot of things today. i was thinking, about why i havnt broken down yet. i want to, i do. a lot of times i want to just give up. but what would giving up mean? think about that. if any religion is right, there is life after death. so any type of "giving up" wouldnt work. im not sure what i believe. not that it matters/anyone cares, but this is my diary, and i will write my thoughts in here every day from now on regardless about what other people are thinking about it and commenting about it. i think, from my feelings deep inside, that reincarnation might exist. because of the way i feel sometimes. its too hard to explain. what i do know, is that i would rather be a moral follower of wicca or a moral athiest, than be a christian that tells people they will laugh when the people are burning in hell for eternity. wow, thats very christian. very good maturity too, considering they are "older" than me by over a year. but then, my mind is old. someone needs some self control and it isnt me. so i was thinking, anyway, that its like i want to give up but i cant. i want to let go, but i cant. its like i gripped my hand around a hot metal bar, and its hurting my hand but i cant let go. whats that one religion, where they believe you go through lives of suffering until you reach gnosis(is that what it was? it means enlightenment, it sounds right) and then you can go to the afterlife or just end, or whatever the heck. and i wonder if christianity and islam will be looked on as primitive in 1000 years. ok, well i maybe some of you are wondering about the whole wicca thing, i am too. but i do know, that i agree with a lot of the beliefs, and have always been drawn to that religion. here are some of the beliefs that i definitely believe, and then there are some that im sort of believing, but i would have to experience it. *im pretty sure i believe in reincarnation, from the way i feel inside. *i believe that the two genders are equal. men are not better than women, and women are no better than men. *i believe as long as i harm no living thing, i should be able to do what i want *i believe in always putting good into the world, or trying as hard as i can to *i dont think earth or animals or plants were put here for us to use them. i think that humans and the enviroment should live in, this is going to sound gay, but yes--harmony. i dont think humans are more important than animals. *i believe that different religions are just different paths to the same end, i believe that people should not be recruited or pressured into a religion, i believe that people should be allowed to believe what they would like without people calling them a fucking bitch coughjakecough, um sorry im getting a cold from the rain. and i found the house today, the one of my dreams. ive always been drawn to it. i want it...im going to save for it, and if it never goes on sale, ill approach their rundown door with $300000 dollars and ask if they would be willing to sell it (its rented out, and its getting more and more rundown...) ill post a picture sometime after i get them developed. and...i have to do an outline on challenges to the constitutionality of japanese internment by tomorrow morning. i have 3 hours until im planning on sleeping (its 10 right now. hopefully i can do it) i talk dirty in french ;) oui, oui. and yeah... this week is going so damn slow. but at least its rained all week, i love the rain, i want to go out and just look up into it and let it run into my eyes. yeah...i do... anways, ill update later