ive reached a point of no return. a one way ticket. got off the train and all there is is darkness and my mind. whatever has been digging this hole inside my mind for my whole life, it has reached some depth in the last few days, that i cant go back from. a barrier has been broken, the hole is bigger than ever before, a hole too big for a few pills a day, a few beers a day, my family, or even god to be able to fill. there is only one thing that can fill a space so big, and that is emptiness. and how many will make it? and will i? will i make it? i cant smile, im too afraid, that everyone will see this gapping hole inside of me. this isnt fair. i didnt ask to live, i didnt have a choice, i dont want this. i dont want all this pain in the lives of people surrounding me, i dont want to watch the earth be destroyed, i dont want to watch all this, and see the big picture that no one else sees, and have no power to change it. i just get to sit here and watch people destroy themselves and everything around them. because the A bomb isnt THAT powerful, thats a myth. and ill look at you, with a haunted glaze over my eyes, and try to smile and try to think about the small and stupid things in life as it once was, and try in vain. ____________________ everything i ever dreamed of when i was young, the kind of things you cant touch, is gone. someone has woken me up from those innocent dreams. and i dont like what i see.