ok, so i hate how, my old favorite songs that werent that well known are on the top hits list now. not the rock top hits list. the TOP HITS LIST. yes. as in, the stations with jessica simpson and justin timberlake playing at the same time. oh, and hillary duff. *shudders* ugh. and now they are going to be overplayed and by the time they are off, im going to hate them with a passion. I think something is wrong with me. I don't feel like eating my easter candy. I am going to put this quote in here that I really like, from The Glass Menagerie, which we have to read for school. "AMANDA: The world is full of young men employed in warehouses and offices and factories. TOM: Do all of them find adventure in their careers? AMANDA: They do or they do without it! Not everybody has a craze for adventure. TOM: Man is by instinct a lover, a hunter, a fighter, and none of those instincts is given much play at the warehouse! AMANDA: Man is by instinct! Don't quote instinct to me! Instinct is something that people have got away from! It belongs to animals! Christian adults don't want it! TOM: What do Christian adults want then, Mother? AMANDA: Superior things! Things of the mind and the spirit! Only animals have to satisfy instincts! Surely your aims are somewhat higher than theirs! Than monkeys--pigs-- TOM: I reckon they're not." -The Glass Menagerie, Tennessee Williams I love that quote. People DO have to satisfy instincts!! That is what love is, an instinct. Keeps the species goin. so. happy easter. i know MINE was. not really. yeah. i got this huge yelling lecture in the car for apparently saying fuck twice to my dad. um, no dad, i didnt say it. im not that stupid. i only say 'bad words' when im not around you. the first time i said 'too freakin busy' so i can sort of see how he thought i said fuck. but the second time, i was like 'dad, i had a stomach ache the whole service, but i stayed the whole service.' and he was like WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY and i repeated it. and hes like THATS THE SECOND TIME YOUVE SAID THE EFF WORD IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES and me and my brother just looked at each other like wow, his hearing really is going down the drain. i mean, i know he has to listen to the tv at like mindnumbing levels of volume, and he blasts oldies right next to my room in the morning, but i really thought he was doing that just so he could concentrate on it or something. gosh, hes only 48. i thought you werent supposed to start falling apart until your 60s? yeah so i had a stomach ache the whole service. and i had to get up over an hour earlier than i would on a school day. and it was outside, and i was freezing. so i just sat there, because i felt too uncomfortable praying to something i don't believe in. All of my old friends from there, that I miss dearly, came up to me and were like BECCA!! and i felt bad, because they have missed so much that has gone on in my life. everyone was like, so whats goin on with you. and i just said nothing, because there is too much... blue bandana. just popped into my head like that ok, so im sitting here making-fun-singing of the song kelsey could never see me seriously singing HAuhuhuh HAuhuhuh with nothing but a tshirt on ive never felt so beautiful baby as i do now now that im with you wowness. hate that song. Dream number 1: This dream was in black and white, with only one exception being a dark red color. It was night and storming the whole dream. Someone took a knife from my kitchen, and wore gloves so not to leave fingerprints. They slit my wrists, my eyes were huge but I was gagged, so I screamed and screamed but no one heard except me. I couldn't see who the person was. The blood ran down, they took off the gag, and left. And I died, with the only piece of evidence being my fingerprints on the handle of the knife. So, naturally, everyone thought I commited suicide. In the dream, I decided to stay as a ghost to take care of unfinished business: I was going to try to get people to realize I didn't kill myself. Instead, for some reason, i started walking towards [name withheld because of the violent nature of the dream]'s house. It was dark still, and storming still. I walked up to his room, and stood, and watched him sleep. He awoke with a start to find me there. He did not realize I was a ghost. So I smiled, and walked up to him and hugged him, and backed away and pulled the knife slowly out from behind my back. He looked at me weird, and then I began walking towards him. That is when he began to be afraid. His eyes were popping out of his head, and his mouth was open and twisted in a silent scream. He quickly backed away but was stopped by the wall. I had him in a corner. I took the knife, and touched the cold side of it to his arm. I began cutting one of his wrists, slowly and gently, and dark red blood flowed out of the wound. He was still afraid, and I said "It's ok, it will only hurt for a second..." Dream number two: I don't remember as much about this one, it wasn't quite as vivid. I was flying around above the pool area of some cruise ship. There were a few different levels of pools, and at the top, there was this huge dry area to sit and smoke, and there were stores selling candy and things at the end of the area. The candy was very expensive, I do remember that it was a dollar for 3 pieces of starburst candy, haha. There was one store, that had different old things in it. There was this feildtrip to a scary movie later that night, which was sort of like homecoming, everyone was supposed to dress up. There were two pretty antique dresses in this store, a velvet maroon one, and a faded pink lace one. I tried the faded pink lace one on first. I don't know if anyone who is reading this that wears dresses puts them over their head, but i step into them and pull them up. So anyway, i stepped into this dress to pull it up, and it wouldn't come away from the floor. It was stuck. I pulled harder and harder, and so it finally came up, and I realized what the problem was. I hadn't noticed that there were hundreds and hundreds of needles sticking through the part of the dress below the waist. When i pulled them up, they all stuck in my legs and my feet. So I just went to the movie like that, with small drops of blood running down my legs. In the line for the movie, I sat down and took all of the needles and pins out of my legs. Some of them were as much as 5 inches long, but after I took them out they didn't bleed. But it was really really gross. The holes were so dry that you could see down in them. And, that's all I remember. ______________________________________ Aannnnnnndddd I still don't feel like telling anyone this weekend's events. I'm sorry. I will when I'm ready, I promise. Only a few know, mostly people that were there... this song...Makes me think of something good. *Once you seep in (once you seep in) under my skin (under my skin) Theres nothing, theres nothing in this world that could wash you away..... I'm sorry. So sorry (damn, you're so hot!!) Your beauty is so vain (damn, you're so hot!!) It drives me, yes it drives me(damn your so hot) absolutely insane* don't ask. but i love that song. I'm sitting here, on easter, feeling stupid for having gone to church, and I realized that Ive only eaten one thing yesterday and one thing today. I just havn't had time to think about the fact that i'm hungry. And when I ate a mini pizza this morning, I guess my stomach had shrinken, because I felt like I was going to throw it up after half of it was down. Things have just gone so fast this weekend, if anyone knows what I mean. So now, I'm just sitting here, listening to rock songs I liked a long time ago. remembering. blue eyes... ________________________________________ About Me Ever been so drunk you blacked out? no, lol, unless i was so drunk that i passed out and didnt even realize i had when i woke up and was still hella drunk. missed school because it was raining? what kind of weird question is that? put a body part on fire for amusement? nope been hurt emotionally? duh kept a secret from everyone? a lot had an imaginary friend? lol, no cried during a movie? yes had a crush on a teacher? no thought an animated character was hot? no. but this one manican (sp?) at the mall friday was really really hot for some reason. i didnt see what store it was, but it was on the first floor of west county, in the window of some jungle decorated store...gosh, im going insane. thinking manicans are hot. had a New Kids on the block tape? no been on stage? yes cut your own hair? i cut my short hair in the front when it gets too long ~~~Favorites ~~~~ favorite shampoo? awapuhi!!! it smells AWESOME! ahh i had to take a cold shower yesterday because i used up all the hot water. it sucked. i was cold for an hour or so. and then i was stupid and wore shorts to the point. soap? whatever is in the shower color? blue day or night? NIGHT summer or winter? i love all the seasons, they are so beautiful lace or satin? i really like my one skirt that im wearing right now, the black lace one, that just has pieces of fabric hanging down, so it looks like its been torn. cartoon character? umm?? i think i need to watch tv more. food? tacos!! and lite whip cream!! and strawberry cream pie shakes from sonic! commercial? i really think i need to watch tv more. well, once, when i had been drinking, i went in to watch tv with my parents friends, and that one comercial came on, i dont remember if it was for a car company or what, but instead of people driving/riding in cars and busses, they are running in groups with their arms at their sides...and it has this piano music going with it. it was cuz the hard lemonade, but i was laughing SOO hard at that comercial. Everyone was looking at me like I was crazy, so I just left the room. haha, i think i may have snorted a few times laughing so hard movie? too many subject? language arts?? non alchoholic drink? milkshakes or carbonated water alchoholic drink? gah, gimme gimme. i dont care what kind. but really, smirnoff ice. mike's hard lemonade is good too. i miss drinking! i havnt touched the stuff since i stole my moms cup of smirnoff at christmas at my gmas house. oh well, maybe i will get some tonight. i want to try bacardi! person to talk to? my fwends. and other intelligent people. and definitely not my dad. in 10 years hes gonna be like WHATS THAT?? and im gonna be like, dad, fuck you. and hes gonna be like, WHATS THAT NOW? hand held to ear. and im gonna be like, DAD, LOOK AT ALL THOSE DUCKS OVER THERE!! i think i should have taken my medicine. did i mention i havnt taken my add medicine for like a week now? haha. i think thats funny. look at how hyper i am. if i take it, im just dead, and i dont talk. ~~~~Right Now~~~~ wearing? a white shirt and my awesome black lace skirt thinger feeling? mwahahhahaha eating? not hungry, still feeling like im gonna puke up that mini pizza drinking? carbonated water. contains aspartame!! AHHHH!! i remember my mom wouldnt let me drink crystal light because it had that in it, and now she buys me all this carbonated water and that is all i drink. hey, its an awesome alternative to soda. tastes better than diet soda, and no calories, no carbohydrates, no fat. no sugar. thinking about? i cant tell youuuuuu!! listening to? are you gonna be my girl talkin to? mumbling to myself. actually, not realy. ~~~~In the last 48 hrs.~~~~ cried? yes. worn a skirt? right now!! met someone new? yep! had lotsa fun too cleaned your room? HAHA done laundry? HAHAHHA drove a car? nope. i need to ask my mom about that. its been a while, and i want to start drivin on roads. ~~~~Do you believe in~~~ yourself? lol, not really. soemtimes when im on strattera i do, and sometimes when im not on it i do. your friends? mostly Santa Clause? lol Tooth Fairy? lol Destiny or fate? not really, i believe in one kind of fate, which is that people cant control themselves so they are destined to make some decisions. God? not really ~~~~Friends and Life~~~~ do ya like anyone? yes who's the loudest? courtney? nicole? alex? shyest? me! wierdest? not sure where do you go for advice? i look within myself, i listen to my heart. not really. i ask my friends. when have you cried the most? lol, i think it was that one time when chris broke up with me forever ago, that is freakin sad. whats the worst feeling? feeling dead. urbody in the club gettin tipsy yep, listenin to that right now. remember yesterday in the car. god, that was so funny.