i keep thinking about alex... i don't kno why. i don't want to. can't i stop? i don't think about him all the time. it's mainly just when my aunt is mentioned or something.. and i just wish to see him or something... blahh. i mean, i guess i just keep thinking about him because he was my first, and only... but, who he was... i kno it was wrong. shouldn't have happened. but it did. and i can't take it back. but i don't kno if i would want to. i felt special... but i kno i shouldn't have. there were probably many... and i was nothing special. but that's all i want to be. special. to someone. just one person. but i'm not. not to anybody. not even my friends. all of my friends are special to me. yeah, there might be something i don't like about them, but they all are special. i think viv is probably the friend that i have the least problems with. i won't write what i find wrong with each of them. but there is something. but nobody is perfect. so it's not rite for me to judge them on their problems. cuz i kno i sure as hell am not perfect. so i shouldn't judge them too. i keep thinking about justin too. i don't kno why. i don't want to. he doesn't think about me anymore. he doesn't care. i mean nothing to him. i'm not even a friend to him anymore. but yet, why do i keep thinking about him? i just want to be able to talk to him. to mean something to him. i want to mean as much to him, as he does to me. but i kno that will never happen. i will never mean anything to him. and it hurts me, when i think about inuyasha. i see how kagome and inuysha feel for each other, adn to think. justin used to say he felt that way about me. but he doesn't. i don't kno if he ever did. but i still feel that way about him. i don't kno if i ever can stop. but i do. and i wish i didn't. i wish i didn't think about him so much. wish i would live there with him. to be able to see him. i like this guy in my class. i think of him, i mean, i have this idea of what he might be like. and i want to talk to him. to see if i'm rite. i bet i won't be. it seems like lately i'm never rite anymore. but i just want to see. i want to be able to talk to him on aim, and i have an idea of what i will do. i want to talk to him on a sn nobody knos about. and i won't tell him who i am. but i will tell him, that, if he wants to, i will talk to him for 7 days. after those 7 days, if he still wants to talk to me, then i will. if he doesn't want to, then i will leave him alone. and if he wants to kno who i am, then i will tell him. i bet i won't be able to do that, but i thought it would be a good idea. so i might try it. i asked for his sn yesterday, but my friend didn't give it to me. he just asked if i thought he was hot, and i said yeah.... it was better than getting into the whole thing... and he just told me that he had a gf and that he had dated some girl with big boobs. i don't kno if he was trying to tell me that i didn't have a chance or what. but i tried to tell him i didn't care, that i didn't want to date him. then he told one of our other friends that i thought the guy was hot. then i had to leave. so i never did get the sn. but i will ask him for it again tom. maybe. i found out my tournament and banquet for karate will be on the nite of the homecoming dance. but i don't mind. i didn't plan on going anyways. i didn't go last year. anyways, not like anybody would ask me. nobody's ever even asked me out, so why bother to ask me to a stupid dance? eh, whatever. i don't care.... i kno that's a lie, i try to lie to myself alot. it doesn't work. i wish it would. i wish i could lie to myself. so i didn't have to think of the truth. but it never works. it never has. and never will. but maybe one day, i won't have to lie to myself. maybe the truth will actually be good. i hate seeing couples together. it just makes me long for something more. to actually have someone. i've been thinking about cutting alot lately. i don't really want to do it. but i don't kno what else to do. i haven't been wanting to write lately. in my journal or in here. and i kno that's not good. i need to write in something. so that way i can get my feelings out. i still remember lee telling me that he would make me do like 100 push ups or something if i went somewhere for a long time without it. i laughed at him, but he said he was serious. i've been carrying it around in my backpack, just in case if i need it at skool. and lately i've started to carry it around. i think i will take his advice, just in case. hehe, wouldn't want him giving me 100 push ups. that's alot to do, and would hurt like a bitch. but it's nice to kno he's looking out for me. but not so much anymore. he doesn't talk to me anymore really. he doesn't care about what's going on, although he never did really. he only did if i came to him. and that was never very often. i feel like i have so many emotions up inside of me, and i don't kno what to do with it. i don't kno what to do with myself. i need things to do. i can't just sit around. and write in things. i feel like i want to express my feelings. last nite, i wrote a letter thing to justin. well i'm not sure if i'll send it to him. i can't really remember what i wrote in it. i'll look it over again tonite. maybe i will end up sending it to him. thats what i had done to viv. i wrote her a letter, and then sent it to her. cuz it had some feelings inside. and that was the only way i kne of getting them out. so maybe that's what i'll have to do with justin... i don't kno. i think i'm done with babbling for rite now. i don't kno if i'll be back later or not. eh, things are just kinda crappy rite now. but hopefully i won't do anything stupid....