i don't have anything to say. everything is shitty. friends have so many problems. i can't help. i can't help anyone anymore. i don't kno what happened. hell, maybe i never could help anyone. but i thought i could. i don't kno what to do. how to help. i'm trying. but i guess it's not good enough. viv is still in love with justin. and she really cares about him. but then he's kinda mean to her. and she gets mad because he can talk to me and not her. and that they don't really talk if i'm not on the fone. she makes it seem like it's my fault. it's not. it's his choice to who he can talk to. i didn't ask. i wish he could talk to her. i want her to be happy. and i wish she could talk to me. to tell me things. but i guess she's rite, it is easier to talk to random people. but i just wish one day, she could tell me. justin is in love with alexis. she's finally back. he's so happy. but he still doesn't get to see her that much. and he really misses her. so he's still smoking some. but not as much. so that's good. but on friday she had said she might be able to go to the football game. well he didn't think she could go, and if she coulda, he didn't think he'd see her. well yesterday i was on the fone with him and missi, and alexis IMed me. somehow my sn was on her bl. so i asked her if she went. she did. and she said she had looked all over for him and that she had cried. so then he got all sad that he hadn't gone. and really wished he woulda. but it wasn't his fault. he didn't kno she woulda been there. but he was all sad last nite. i tried to help. i was there at least. that's what i do for viv too. even if nobody's talkin, i'll stay on the fone, just to be there for them. amanda loves lance. i kno she does. she broke up with her bf. but now she doesn't wanna go out with lance. cuz all these girls are all over him. and he doesn't seem to care. and so she's getting upset about that. i listen to her. the few times she'll actually tlak to me. but apparently she can tlak to will easier. same for lance. he had "good talks" with will. when he coudln't tlak to me about stuff. i thought i was there for them more... but guess not. lance loves amanda. he wants her back. ever since they broke up, he's been sad. even if alot of times he doesn't seem like it. he still misses her alot. they've been hanging out alot more. so i have a feeling they'll get back together soon. they never stopped talking on the fone each nite even. lauren had thought she loved lance. hopefully i set her straight. cuz she doesn't. we all kno she doesn't. so hopefully she just likes him. and hopefully she can get over him soon. i'll try to help her. mick's been sad alot lately. i hope he gets better. i want him to be happy. then maybe he'd enjoy things better. instead of always seeming down. cuz i don't like my friends sad. i'll try to be there for him if i can. jo likes some guy, he seems... weird. but hopefully she can get him. i want her happy. she deserves to be. and i hope things go good with her. eh, i think that's all i'm going to say for now. i dont kno. blahh. whatever. watchin kenshin rite now. i love it. i got hw i gotta do. it's a shitload. i don't wanna do it. but i might do it if my mom leaves. cuz i don't want them to kno i got hw that i haven't done and shit. then they get all pissy and shit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it's been about 4 or 5 months since i've cut last i think. that's really good. but i still miss it. i wish i could do it more. but i won't. i finally have things to live for. things that i love. so i'm not going to ruin that. i'll just have to find another way for things. cuz i'm not going back. i can't. i won't. a few nites ago i had a dream that all of my family died. i was actually sad about it. and probably a few months ago, i woulda gone off and tried to live with viv and justin. and i thought about that. but i realized i didn't want to go live with them now. i wanted to be able to stay here. i woulda probably gone to wolfgang's rite after it happened, since he's close, and for some reason, he was the first person i thought of. then i might try to live with lance or someone. or maybe i could live with lauren. but i think lance would be better. but i was kinda suprised. when i realized i wouldn't leave everything and go start new with justin or viv. guess things really do change. and rite now, for me, i think for the better.