this is a letter i wrote to one of my friends, but it really gets alot out: i just got finished with reading after the rain. it was a really good book. about a girl getting to kno her grandfather, and then he died. it was interesting. but i really liked it. she was alot younger than her brothers, and so they already had lives. but i think it was her youngest bro, she would write him letters, just telling him about things that went on. or about things that happened with them. i thought it was a good idea. but the brother never wrote back. he only sent postcards about once every 3 years. yeah it sucks some times to not get replys, but sometimes it's nice just to write to soembody. even if they don't read it. well everybody in her family got together once her grandfather died, and her bro had come. they went on a walk together, and she asked if she should stop writing him. he told her not to, and that he read them. and that he just never wrote anybody back. so in other words, i guess i'm trying to say that i might do that with you. i just need somebody to write to. to just say things to. to talk about stuff. i just thought i could try to say things to to somebody that's been there for me. yesterday morning, i saw the sunset, it was so amazing. it was really beautiful. i just wanted to stop rite there, go on a hill and just watch it. i wished i was out in the country. and at nite i wish i could live out there. just to be able to see the stars better. to actually enjoy the quietness. it was just a really amazing sunrise. and a while ago, i had seen a rainbow, it was really pretty. i wished i could have just gone somewhere to look at it. but i was in the car and so i kept moving. but it really was great. i think about you when i think about nature. mainly just remembering our talks. i miss them. i really am happy that i met you though. i never thought i would have met somebody who would have liked the same stuff as me. it's good to kno i'm not alone in things. things have actually been pretty sucky. i've kinda been thinking about cutting more. i don't want to do it though. but i haven't wanted to write. so i have nothing else to do really. i haven't yet, and i don't think i will. but i don't kno, it's just getting so hard not to. if i do, i'll end up doing it on my lilke pevlic bone or whatever. i do it down there, cuz that is like the only place i kno that nobody will see. at least, i hope nobody will. eh, so yeah, things have sucked with my friends. i feel like i'm loosing them. i have nobody i can talk to anymore. i try to find people, but they aren't there. i'm loosing all of them, and i have no idea what to do. i'm scared. i feel lonely. i want my friends back. i want them to be there. i want them to care. but they aren't. and i just don't kno what to do about it. i can't figure out how to get them back. i just want things to be back to how they used to be. lance used to call me each nite, we would talk for a various times, and then we would go to bed, then the next day at skool, we would talk, we would hang out. at lunch, we would talk. on the weekend, we hung out like friday nite and sat nite. and then it got to where viv would call me each nite. me and her would stay up nite after nite just talking. we would talk online. we would tell each other so much. and then, we would call justin. we talked to him all the time. i started to become really good friends with him. then me and him would talk by ourselves. we got to kno each other really well. he was really cool. we cared about each other. we started to like each other, at least i did. even after i think he stopped liking me, we still talked a lil. i could talk to him about stuff, he cared, he was there. i used to talk to hayley alot. i would tell her so much. i would tell her what was going on, what i was feeling, just everything. and now, i talk to none of them it seems. yeah, i still talk to viv every now and then, but not that much. i talk to hayley, but not about things, just tiny insignificant things. i don't talk to justin anymore, he never calls, and i never bother him, so i never call him. he's got a gf, he's happy. and i guess he just doesn't need me anymore. lance... damn, i don't even really talk to lance anymore. yeah, we go to the same skool, yeah we sit at the same table at lunch, but that's it. we don't talk. he never calls. you kno, he called my mom tonite to ask her something, and he didn't even want to talk to me. apparently he told her he would call me later. and just like i figured, he didn't. he never does. the few times that i actually do call him, he leaves so fuckin early. he doesn't even stick around to ask how i am. how things are with me. anything. he always leaves cuz he's talkin to amanda. yeah i'm happy that they're together. but damn, seriously, can't he still have time for friends? and then, here i have to listen to amanda talk about how much she likes peter. when he's not even interested in here anymore. and i'm proud of him. he shouldn't like her. he has no chance. but she tries to tell him that he does. that she's thinking about leaving lance. she's just leading him on. and i fuckin hate that about her. seriously. i just wish i could have a friend that would care, that would listen. then i talk to zeke, eh he say's hes there, but he can't be, not when i need him. he can only be there when he can. and i don't need him much when he actually can be there. karate is going good. i like it alot. lee kinda reminds me of chad micheal murry. he's sexy. but eh, he's already back to having another gf. and me and him don't talk as much as we had. i don't go to him even if i need anybody. i guess if i get really desperate, i can go to him. cuz i kno he'll be there. and he really is a great guy. i wish i could be more of a friend with him. but i guess i never really get my wishes. eh, and that's fine i guess. ya learn to live. i learned a new technique yesterday, it's really cool. it's called, comono grab. i like it. but it's kinda confusing. but i'll just have to practice at it to get better. ooo and we have a tournament and banquet coming up. it's not till like october 23 i think, is that a sat? cuz it's on a sat. the only bad part about it, is that that happens to be my skools homecoming. o well, not like i was going to go to it. but it still woulda been nice to have the opportunity to be asked and shit. not like i woulda been asked. but still. nice to imagine.... oooo and the other day, i was talkin to lance, and he asked me if i was going to homecoming, and i told him i couldnt, and he asked why, and i told him about the tournament and banquet. and he kept telling me i should go to the dance instead. and i was like, it's not like i woulda gone anways. and he was just like, fine, if you wanna go to that, then go to that. and he just got offline after that. i was like what the fuck. he just left and was bein really gay. i'm sorry, but i like karate, it's something that i really enjoy. and i'm not going to miss a big part of it, just for a stupid dance that i wouldn't have even gone to i bet. cuz he woulda just brought amanda and ignored me anyways. everybody woulda ignored me. and i'm sorry, but i'm tired of being ignored. hmm so i like this guy in my class. but he's a football player, he plays for varsity i think? that's the main team rite? i'm not too great with football. he's in 3 of my classes. i havent even talked to him yet. but i feel kinda special, cuz a few days ago, he was passing out papers in a class, and he kne who i was. i kno, it's really stupid, but eh, it just felt good. i have a friend, well more of a person that i kno and that i talk to sometimes, but he's friends with him, and so i've been asking him for his sn. he hasn't given it to me yet, but i'll keep asking. although he told me he's got a gf. but i don't care, i don't really want to date him just yet, i just want to get to kno him. and so i have this plan, where, i made a new sn. and so i was gonna get his sn, and IM him from it. and then i would make this deal with him. if he wanted to, i would talk to him for 7 days, and on the 7th day, if he wanted to kno who i was, i would tell him. and if he wanted to keep talking to me, great, if he didn't then i would just leave him alone. i kinda thought that sounded like a cool idea. so i'm hoping it might be able to work. but it might not. knoing my luck, it won't.