blahh i fuckin hate all this damn shit. i mean, my god, i thought my life was goin good, and now look at it... yesterday lauren saw my cuts.. meh she hit me a lil, then she didn't say anything more about it.. i bet she forgot bout it. probably did, she kinda has a bad memory, well sometimes. me, amanda, lauren and lance went and saw without a paddle, funny movie. after that took lance home. amanda and lauren spent the nite. i'm sorry, but i am fuckin tired of always bein pushed around. i'm fuckin sick of it! that's all amanda ever fuckin does to me. she pushes me around, makes me do all her shit. yeah, so last nite she made me make her spaghetti o's, then she yelled at me for gettin in the way of the tv just for like, a fuckin second. and just all this shit. blahh. so i was just walkin round my house, without a smile on my face, stayin in the living room like, the whole time, while they were in my room. i tried to call viv, but like i expected, she was asleep. then i was talkin to zeke online.. i started gettin pissed.. becuase he was ignoring me, then i started usin cuss words when i talked, and suddenly, he started payin attention. but it just pissed me off that he ignored me cuz thats what everybody fuckin else was doing also, and i was fuckin tired of it. so then i got pissed at him.. i kno i shouldn't have.. he didn't really do anything.. but i'm just tired of so much fuckin shit... i always just ignore shit, and go on with things.. and then it starts to build up, until finally i can't take it.. and so yeah, i'm finally startin to crack... --------------------------------------------- whenever i really need people, i start to push them away. like i'm doin with viv rite now. i kno she's tryin to help me. i kno she's tryin to care. i kno she's tryin to be a friend. but i keep pushing her away. it's like what i did last nite.. i always push away people when i need them.. i don't kno why i do it.. it's just something that i do.. i kno its not good for me.. but i don't kno what else to do.. i dont want anyone else gettin hurt by what i do or say or feel or any shit. that just might cause them more pain. and i hate causin pain. so i just push people away.... blahh i don't kno.. i feel like i wanna cry.. but i can't.. i never can fuckin cry.. god damn it.. and now i just feel fuckin empty inside.. yeah this is all real fuckin nice now. blahh whatever, fuck it. i'll just have to figure something out for myself.. cuz im not gonna waste anybodys time, or bother anybody..... --------------------------------------------- joanna, i really really hope things can get better for you. and i hope allison can help you when you go see her. if you ever need anything, i'm always here. you really are an amazing person, and deserve happiness.