i care so much about people. sometimes, i just wish somebody would care about me the same. somebody to go about and ask me how i am. how my day was. what i did. but not just be a friend and ask. i mean ask, and mean it. ask, and care. ask, and really want to hear the answer. that's how i am with my friends, i don't ask a question unless i care, unless i want to hear the answer. but it doesn't feel like anybod is like that for me. i hate how things are. i feel nobody is around. i feel lost. alone. helpless. lonely. confused.... i don't kno what to do. i don't kno who to turn to. who to talk to. who to trust. who will care. i don't kno anything anymore it seems. and i don't like that. i like knoing things. it makes me feel better about myself even. but nobody is here for me, like i am for them. nobody cares about me. and i really hate this feeling. i want somebody to care about me. even if it's just one person. yeah, i have friends. yeah, i could talk to them. yeah, they could say the care. but that's it, SAY... saying and meaning are two completely different things. i hate it when people say one thing, but really mean another. or they say they care, but never show it. it bothers me, cuz it's like they're lying... and i really don't like lies. i just wish i could have somebody here. somebody to care. somebody to want to listen. and not just pretend to listen. or say their listening and really be doin something else. but that's how things go in my life. i get no one. i get nothing. i'm left all alone. and i'm going to have to find a way to make it. whether it end up good or bad. --------------------------------------------- i want to talk to lance. me and him haven't talked in so long. i hate it. he doesn't care about me anymore. he doesn't care about what goes on in my life. he doesn't care about what i do. he only cares about amanda. maybe a few of his other friends. but not me. never me. he always wanted to hang out with me... but if amanda came.. or if hayley came. never just with me. he used to call me. but not anymore. not since he talks to amanda. i talk to viv almost each nite, but i still want to talk to him. but he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. yesterday during lunch, he told me him and amanda watched everwood together... when he told me that, i think that just about killed me.. i kno. it sounds so little. so insignificant. but it did. me and him used to watch everwood together. he would call me right before it came on and we would leave to watch it. he would watch it and i would, and after it, he would call me, and we would talk about it or something. or if something important happened, he would call me. yeah, i kno we sound like dorks, but it was that little stuff, that i loved. i miss it so much. but now we can't do it anymore. i have karate on the nites of it. i get out at 8 and thats when it starts, but we're always late getting home. but when he told me him and amanda watched it together... i realized.... i'm not a part of his life... amanda has taken any role, i ever had... and now i have nothing... no importance to him.. no reason for him to even bother with talking to me or anything anymore... and i just hate it. i used to hate it alot too, he would always give so many girls hugs, and like never give me hugs. but lately he has been giving me hugs. and i like it. i never get hugs... not meaningful ones at least. but he gives nice hugs. not the big just dorky hugs i get if i ever get them. but really nice hugs. and it makes me feel good... but then it's over, and he leaves. and he doesn't even think about the hug. he doesn't care. because he does it to everybody... so i am nothing important. --------------------------------------------- calvin and tim have been bothering me... i kno they don't do it on purpose, but they have. anytime i'm around them, they act like they hate me... hell, for all i kno, they probably do. they wouldn't be the only ones. but it's just that... sometimes, they say some shit... and i just haven't been in a great mood that day... and i just hate hearing what they say... it just really lowers my self-esteem, and it's never been that high to begin with... peter used to do it too, but now he doesn't, not as much at least. but with him, i can tell he jokes about it. because he can say it one minute, and the next we'll be talkin and hangin out together and shit. so it's alrite with him. but calvin and tim do it every day. any time they're around me. and i just hate it. it starts to bother me... but eh... i guess i should be used to people hating me by now...